I think reading and learning as much as one can about this is so important, so good for you for doing that. I spend some time on the Wayward site as well as I find their posts insightful.
I too am doing a lot of introspection. Like you, I did it all. Called myself "the fixer". Would run to everyone's rescue but my own. But I can't fix this. We can only work together and work on ourselves. I am determined to grow from this and for our M to be happier. We are doing so well at this point. I understand that it is hard to feel sexy and be sexy when you are cleaning up runny noses and constant messes but I hope you can make some time for you. Our boys are 8 and 6. It feels like that hard part is over and becoming much easier to see myself as a "woman"!
l let him come and go as he pleased, I picked my battles, I tried to keep peace, I didnít ask for more help with the kids or household.
I let this happen too. I would either let it go, or scream at him for not helping out more. He was running over boundaries and I was letting it happen. That, IMO, is worth looking into it. I believe I got that from Emily Brown's book on the Repercussions of Infidelity.
So, while it is impt for you not to own his A, I do think it is important to look at our own weak spots - how we helped to create space in the M.