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Wonderingwhy11 posted 5/28/2013 01:11 AM

Since DDay I have been doing lots of reading and reflecting. I think I am a weak person. My WH says I am very strong. I feel I am weak because I put up with his my way or no way behavior, l let him come and go as he pleased, I picked my battles, I tried to keep peace, I didn’t ask for more help with the kids or household. I realized I let this happen because of my childhood. My mother was always “sick” and my dad had to support and take care of us. My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was a toddler. My mother made me take care of my younger brother because she couldn’t. I resented my mother because she sapped the happiness out of all of us. Most of my childhood was spent trying to keep the peace. I did not want to be like my mother. So did the opposite. Tried to do everything. I felt if WH was the main financial provider then my role was to take care of the household and kids so he could focus on work even though I was worked full time until the kids started school and then cut back to part time so I was home when they were out of school. I always felt I earned my “keep” and did not spend more money on myself and our kids than I made. I admit I was not perfect and I did not expect a perfect family and house. I tried to be a good wife, mother and employee. Most times I struggled because it was impossible to be the best wife, mother and employee. I would tell WH this.

I was hurt and angry when I found out WH’s LTA. I didn’t understand why he would destroy our marriage. I didn’t understand why he could see I was trying to be a partner in our marriage. I have come to realize his decision to have an A had nothing to do with me. I have learned he had his own FOO issues which I was aware of but didn’t know the extent of how it damaged him. I didn’t know he felt insecure about himself and that he felt he didn’t make enough money. I know he needs to work on his issues and I need to work on mine.

I still struggle with I can’t be everything I think I should be. I tell WH I just can’t be the sexy wife when the kids are playing or fighting with each other or need something. I don’t feel sexy when I am paying the bills or cleaning up the house.

My hope is through all this we learn to be happy, healthy couple. Still a work in progress but it is slowly getting better – one day at a time.

ArkLaMiss posted 5/28/2013 02:19 AM

Regardless of your baggage, he alone is responsible for his decision to cheat. We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that counts.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but please do NOT claim any of his baggage.

LA44 posted 5/28/2013 07:44 AM

I think reading and learning as much as one can about this is so important, so good for you for doing that. I spend some time on the Wayward site as well as I find their posts insightful.

I too am doing a lot of introspection. Like you, I did it all. Called myself "the fixer". Would run to everyone's rescue but my own. But I can't fix this. We can only work together and work on ourselves. I am determined to grow from this and for our M to be happier. We are doing so well at this point. I understand that it is hard to feel sexy and be sexy when you are cleaning up runny noses and constant messes but I hope you can make some time for you. Our boys are 8 and 6. It feels like that hard part is over and becoming much easier to see myself as a "woman"!

l let him come and go as he pleased, I picked my battles, I tried to keep peace, I didn’t ask for more help with the kids or household.

I let this happen too. I would either let it go, or scream at him for not helping out more. He was running over boundaries and I was letting it happen. That, IMO, is worth looking into it. I believe I got that from Emily Brown's book on the Repercussions of Infidelity.

So, while it is impt for you not to own his A, I do think it is important to look at our own weak spots - how we helped to create space in the M.

Best wishes,
LA