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brokensmile322 posted 5/28/2013 06:11 AM

Is that possible?

It seems that we are in a spot that R could be going well. OW is clearly moving on, has a new significant other, and making plans. Yay me...right?

Plus my WH will not be working with her anymore. Yay me...right?

Our relationship is better. We enjoy each other's company. We have great sexual chemistry, we take walks, plan dates, hold hands, snuggle, have our shows we enjoy together, etc...

Why do I pick fights?

Is it possible to be addicted to the drama of the A? It seems I should be moving on...

I still trigger. Like this AM, my WH left for business. As soon as the alarm went off at 4am, the acid started turning in my stomach.

Now its silly really, because I do trust him with other women. It is just this particular woman that got to me. She is no longer a factor, won't be where he is etc...

But it 'reminds' me of that time...KWIM? His traveling and ignoring me. I didn't bring it up to him. Tried dealing with it on my own because I know why I feel like I do. Sometimes this feeling will make me pick a fight.

Or sometimes I will go back and relive the past...think of something, get mad and hurt and pick a fight.

I know you will tell me it takes time and I get it, but the fight picking is detrimental, KWIM? It is not helping matters.

Are there things that you guys do to help yourself in these situations? What coping strategies have you found that work? I know talking with him will be a suggestion, but I end up fighting with him if I bring it up to him. (not because of him, but because of me, it's like I get mad that he can't go back and change it)

So I am trying to find other ways to cope and maybe your suggestions will help me.

Flatlined123 posted 5/28/2013 06:20 AM

It took me a long time to deal with the feelings of being reminded. That hurt ran deep.

It's just something that's going to take time. You're going to have to decide you're done with it. Again, as I said before, it took me a LONG time. I'm talking like almost 3 years.

What I finally did was start reminding myself he's not like that anymore. I remembered the changes and I also thought about all the nice, loving things he's done for me in the past few years. It works for me.

Don't be hard on yourself. It takes time. Broken bones don't heal quickly and broken hearts take even longer.

letting_go posted 5/28/2013 06:47 AM

For me, working out helped clear my head and released the feel good endorphins. In addition to working out I focused on my interests. The better I felt about myself the less angrier I was towards him.

watchtheskyy posted 5/28/2013 10:04 AM

Many, many times I have thought that I became addicted to the drama of all the A crap. It's not an easy thing to admit because I don't want the "drama queen" label but the roller coaster had big highs to go with those lows (HB, anyone?) and A fallout is just a constant whirlwind. Almost 2 years out life has evened out to our new "boring" normal.

As far as picking the scab, I've had to set new boundaries with myself. Just like we expect our spouses to not act on impulse, neither can we. Its very hard to change ourselves but try not to stay in the habit or reliving old hurts. My previous way of dealing with issues was talking things out but that doesn't work with us when it comes to the A either, its always an argument. I gave myself a week or so if I feel like I need to know something, if it's not important I'll forget about it. What I really have to ask myself before bringing up the A is, "is this going to help me...do I already know the answer...what am I looking for by talking about this"? If I don't have a good answer to this, he's not going to have a good answer for me. Honestly, another thing that has helped is to distance myself a little from SI. I visit when I feel the need and there's tons of help here but it does keep the A front and center (for me) if I spend too much time here. Sometimes other people's stories even trigger me and I end up mad, or a new question is raised that I feel the need to bring up to my WH. I read a story here one day that paralleled my own, my husband walked in and I was just instantly mad at him. It lasted for hours

I've also picked up a new hobby, I love going to yard sales and 2nd hand shops to find old furniture to fix up. The build-up of searching for, and then finding (!) the perfect little table or chair gives me a little rush that's now replaced the adrenaline of an argument. Since I can't get out often the repair and painting keeps me busy and when I'm done I have something positive to show for all the energy I've put into it...much better than a fight! I've always said that my husband and I "love passionately and fight passionately" so, I still live him! I just had to find a new passion until I feel like our marriage has fully healed :-)

sisoon posted 5/28/2013 11:19 AM

You may be using anger to hide other feelings. Especially if that's the case, watch's technique of asking what you want to gain from picking a fight is a great one.

Since you trigger when he's not around, you're well situated for watch's technique. A slightly different approach is to ask yourself if any feelings or thoughts are lurking underneath your anger. A 3rd technique is to write by hand (not type) 'I'm angry about...' or 'I'm angry that....'

OTOH, if you're feeling grief and fear along with the anger, you may just be normal.

brokensmile322 posted 5/28/2013 12:47 PM

Thank you so much everyone for responding.

That is why I love this site, so much knowledge.

Thank you Watchthesky.

You really made me feel better. I do think visiting here sometimes triggers me. And sometimes I do read on here and get angry all over again.

I am going to try your techniques about asking myself what I am trying to gain by asking the questions over and over or by getting angry yet again.

Part of it is that I just want a good answer to 'why". We all know there never is a good enough answer to that question.

Part of me wants him to take it away. And he can't. This past weekend he finally said to me. "I can't change the past. It happened. I'm sorry. I can only move forward, show you everyday that I love you and want you, show you that it will never happen again."

And it is true. He can't change the past. I think on some levels I have to come around to 'acceptance'. It happened. It is what it is...

I do like everyone's ideas of focusing on myself and exercising. These are two things I am actively working on as well.

And Sisoon, it may well just be that I am 'normal' lol! I am going to start journaling again. Maybe that will help get out what I am feeling without starting a fight. Thx...