He is in IC but I have sat in on a session where the IC basically told him something HUGE he did before the A that helped lead him down that nasty path - the way he turned off emotions when I got sick. BINGO! That was HUGE. Somehow, WH just didn't GET the significance of that concept. So he just doesn't *SEE* this stuff, even when his IC points it out. He says he feels like a 4 YO emotionally. Sadly, he is kinda right.
How can I get through this part? Patience has never been my strong point and I am just struggling so much here with this. I know I can't *MAKE* him figure this out, I know it is on him. How on earth do I not drive myself crazy with this one? I can handle 2x4's if needed - I realize this issue is both of us, not just him.
I guess try telling your WH that you need more from him in order to feel safe? If he balks, try reframing, telling him that he can take it defensively like you are saying he isn't doing enough, or he can take it as you needing him in order to be able to heal; and this is something he can do to really help you. For a long time my WH needed a reminder that being defensive was a choice he was making.
We are on different timetables as far as processing and healing goes.
What is it that you need from him, now? What's missing?