Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce 12-19-16
I am hoping I can actually articulate this issue. We are on different timetables as far as processing and healing goes. This is becoming a MAJOR issue and I have no idea what to do. Officially in R for like 6 weeks, Dday was 9-20-12. I process faster than he does. When we married, he was more in touch with his feelings than I was. Over the last 4 years or so - he lost that ability. He is finally starting to be able to actually explain and identify feelings again which is good but wow - it's so slow. He is meeting all the basics of R very well, transparency, honesty, NC etc. He sees what his A has done to him, to me and to us. he gets the *NOW* stuff but NONE of the *THEN* stuff if that makes sense. However, his lack of "going back" to figure out any aspects of his A is driving me bat-shit crazy. I do *GET* that people process at different speeds, I do. That doesn't help me though. I am at the point where daily I have to seriously fight the urge to give up. I don't want to. We have talked about this a lot. He says he isn't avoiding it on purpose, he just doesn't know how. I am having mega issues feeling safe. he isn't doing a single thing now that makes me suspect he is having current issues but he can't see his faulty ways of thinking during his A, so how would he even know if his head started acting all stupid again? He has always had BIG justification issues, how can he stop them if he can't even identify what were his lies to himself were during his A?
He is in IC but I have sat in on a session where the IC basically told him something HUGE he did before the A that helped lead him down that nasty path - the way he turned off emotions when I got sick. BINGO! That was HUGE. Somehow, WH just didn't GET the significance of that concept. So he just doesn't *SEE* this stuff, even when his IC points it out. He says he feels like a 4 YO emotionally. Sadly, he is kinda right.
How can I get through this part? Patience has never been my strong point and I am just struggling so much here with this. I know I can't *MAKE* him figure this out, I know it is on him. How on earth do I not drive myself crazy with this one? I can handle 2x4's if needed - I realize this issue is both of us, not just him.
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an