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cuppacoffee posted 5/28/2013 09:37 AM

What does a good or great day look or feel like? I am determined to have a good day. I just don't know what do to ensure it. I told the h that I am not feeling loved and I need to feel it right now.

tired girl posted 5/28/2013 10:02 AM

Well, I feel that there are two different ways to have a good day. And in your post, you yourself seem to want to go about it two different ways. You say you are determined to make it happen, which indicates you are going to rely on yourself for your happiness. Then you say you don't feel loved by your H, which indicates you are wanting his help in having a good day.

So what is your H doing to help things along in R? And what are you doing to help yourself in R? Both of these things are important in having a good day.

When I was early on, I didn't force myself to have any kind of day. I let myself feel what I needed to feel. I didn't wallow in bad feelings, but I didn't rugsweep either if that makes sense.

TXBW68 posted 5/28/2013 10:14 AM

We have had some really fantastic, out of the ordinary days since we started R. We went to Vegas for our 17th anniversary in March - first no-kids vacation in 12 years! But the best days are now the "new normal" days. They triggered me at first after he moved home. We discussed them and now we make an effort to spend time together every day.

So here's a weekend "good day": Wake up with him beside me. Spend some time whispering to each other about our feelings while we are wrapped up together. Have sex. Eat breakfast together. Hang out with our kids. Work in the yard together. Flirt...all day long. Lots of random touching/kissing/hugging throughout the day as we pass each other in the hall/kitchen/etc. Dinner. A movie at home or in theater - holding hands through most of the movie. Kiss our kids goodnight. Climb into bed and wrap around each other again. Sex again. Fall asleep curled up together.

There is a theme to our day - Togetherness. Other than work, we are together most of our days now. We didn't do that before. He would be in one room while I was in another. He would be gone to band practice 3-4 nights a week, which meant practicing but also drinking/hanging out with inappropriate people, while I was stuck at home watching the kids. It became easy for him to take me for granted and me to allow it under the pretence of being a "good wife and mother".

Now, he randomly texts me during work days just to say "I love you" or "I miss you". We have lunch together twice a work week. We have planned date nights - and planned family nights. Somehow, we have managed to fall in love again. But we are actively working to remain "in love" by putting our relationship first above all else, including the kids.

My apologies for not knowing your story but from your registration date, it seems that you are fairly new to all of this. My best advice to you at this point to give everything time. I hated that word a year ago. But it is true that time helps heal. Take care of yourself first and foremost. The rest will work itself out in time.

Wishing you a good day!
((hugs))

sisoon posted 5/28/2013 11:31 AM

cuppa, IMO, R is life. A day in life has ups and downs, so does a day in R.

I understand you're filled with pain. That's your life right now, so a 'good day' is feeling and releasing pain. As you release your pain, joy will come back. It's just that it takes a long time, much longer than you'd like.

Another way of putting this is that a good day for you, fresh from D-Day, is different from a good day for me, almost 30 months out. A good day for you is different from a good day for anyone else, because we're all individuals.

Let yourself feel. Let yourself be.

(((cuppacoffee)))

mysticpenguin posted 5/28/2013 11:47 AM

A good day in R for me has two parts.

First and foremost, it involves me making myself feel good: working with the dog on a sticky behavioral issue / teaching her a new trick, performing well in my classes, making a decent amount of sales / getting good customer feedback, having a good workout, etc.

Secondly, it involves my WH & marriage showing improvement. It's the little things -- having a good discussion, him reading part of a book I've recommended he read (re. the infidelities), him speaking my "love language," doing something thoughtful for me (like emptying the dishwasher even though that's normally my chore -- something like that), etc.

As sisoon said, R is life. There haven't been any big "clouds parting" moments for us, really, other than the realizations and discoveries we're both making about ourselves and our relationship, and even those are just a bit at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. :) But when I look back on our relationship a year ago, I can see a WORLD of difference... and that's the important thing to me.

cuppacoffee posted 5/28/2013 14:12 PM

:) We are like 12 days out from his D Day. We have been having good moments but then something triggers me. Then I become a hot mess.

he's been showing me love through sex but I need more than that. During the A he felt like he wasn't connected to me but we never stopped having sex at all. Not even for a week or two. I feel like I need more than physical love from him. I need to feel it through his actions.

Today we did have a good day so far. We talked a lot and sat out on the porch together for tea/coffee. He has to leave for work soon and I'm just thinking about him going and the former COW that he was with. I'll be all alone with the kids (all 6 of them) and then my mind starts to wonder.

A good day I think would be spending time together not fighting but discussing is okay. Sharing thoughts and stuff.

I just am afraid we are not going to do this right. In my sleep the other day he was talking to me and I was telling him that we are horrible people who don't deserve love or to be married.

brokensmile322 posted 5/28/2013 14:41 PM

Every relationship has ups and downs. In R, you will have good and bad days.

The difference is in the WS. They aren't doing things (gifts, flowers, dates) because you are telling them to, they don't stick to conditions of R because you dictated it, they are really doing these things because they desire to. They want to and you can feel a difference.

I agree, that it is the togetherness. But it is being PRESENT in the togetherness.

Pre A my WH and I were together, but we weren't in the moment together. Don't know if that makes sense.

There is lots of hand holding, snuggling, doing things we enjoy together, taking care of our kids, our house, our lawn together, cooking together, vacationing, etc...

The difference is that we are both PRESENT in whatever we are doing. Lots of discussions about what the heck we were thinking before, the time we missed out on, life being too short and not wasting a minute more.

Now there are lots of times one of us needs to run an errand and we are asking the other one to join us, not for any other reason than to just BE TOGETHER, holding hands, laughing, sometimes being silent together.

I don't know how else to say it... Hope that helps.

Yes, you are very early out. You will go through many stages before you likely get to this kind of spot. I still question myself, him, our M. It's a Marathon, not a sprint.

LA44 posted 5/28/2013 14:44 PM

((Cuppa)) You are SO close from your D-Day. This was not even possible for me at this point. I didn't even know if I wanted to R until 6 weeks in and then I was wavering.

But you do know and that is your biz...so here's a suggestion...when I was ready to R, we read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. It's short, easy, and makes a lot of sense. With 6 kids, I am sure you can appreciate a short read! The real life et examples in it are wonderful.

When me and H follow the 5 LL, we find ourselves having a great day in R. But as Sisoon says, everyday is R. There will be ups and downs.

And yes - you do need MORE then sex. Since your H had the affair, I would ask him to start speaking to you in the language you need to receive love. First step, he reads the book, or at the very least he takes the 4 min. quiz on Gary's web site by the same name.

Please don't be hard on yourself at this early stage. And take good care of you. Sure this is very hard with the children....but do find a little moment or two for you every day. If not now, when?