Let me explain. I have made doctors appointments for him in the past. When I tell FWH the time or day, he gets upset oftentimes and says "Why did you make it that time/day?" Also, sometimes the person making the appointment asks me questions that only FWH would have the exact answer to. So, I feel that FWH should make his own appointments. He knows what days, times works best for him and he can answer the questions, if any.
FWH's perspective is that I am home and have all the time in the world to make his appointments. I am a stay at home mom. He asks when will he be able to make an appointment? Well, he gets home before the doctor office closes many days. He can call then. He can call on his break or lunch breaks. He can actually call anytime during his day because he has no supervision, he is his own boss, but he is very ethical about work. Always has been.
Then there is the making of the lunches. Many, many years ago I would make FWH's lunch. He would complain 3 days out of 5 about the lunch I made him. Finally, I stopped and he made his own lunches, but complained that I didn't make his lunch. He then started working a different job and pretty much ate lunch out all the time.
He is now working where there really isn't the option to eat lunch out. He packs a lunch. He would like me to make his lunch. However, I don't function well at 4:30 am and making lunch at 4:30 is just sickening to me, and as I said, I don't function well. I have offered to make his lunch the night before (I am more of a night person) and put it in the fridge for him. Nope! He wants his lunch freshly made in the morning. I do make sure every week that FWH has all the supplies he needs and wants for his lunches for the week. I do get up at 6:30 am to make DS17's lunch.
We have been married a long time. FWH has oftentimes forced me into the "mommy" role and then resented me for it. I also resented being forced into a "mommy" role and I can recall many arguments where he would yell at me "You're not my mother" and me being pissed because he forced me into the role.
Does this make sense to anyone? I just shared two blatant examples of where I feel he was making me his "mommy" but there are many more. More subtle. What do you all think? Is he trying to make me his "mommy" or should I be doing these things as part of being a "Good Wife"?
I do feel that his forcing me into this role of "mommy" played into his being able to have an affair.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I'll be honest - SandAway makes my lunch and doctor's appointments. And I appreciate the hell out of it. She does a lot for me that I could probably do (and used to) but since she is a SAHM, it takes some of the weight off my shoulders. It's just more efficient for us - but she knows my schedule, and I try to never bitch about the appointment time . That, and she makes a great lunch - I eat at my desk (I don't take a lunch break) so it's usually fruit, yogurt, a salad etc. thrown into my old lunch box. I don't look at it as her being a "mommy" to me, even though she's usually making our son's school lunch the same time she's making mine, if she didn't want to do it, I would. All that being said, I think you have some valid reasons for not wanting to do those routines for your H, I'm sure SandAway wouldn't either if all I did was complain.
I also wouldn't make lunch for a teenager...
eta: FWH's did EVERYTHING for FWH and his father. He was/is her "Golden Boy". Probably why he expects me to do everything like his mommy did. And, I am teaching my DS17 the same thing, huh?
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:35 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
I know, the struggle of always wanting to do small special things vs letting them do it themselves.
My mom used to say "you know I love you but you have two hands" when I was wanting her to do things for me that I was capable of doing.
It depends how you feel in my opinion- there's no right or wrong answer- if you feel like you're Mothering that's bad- if you feel like you're being a good wife- that's good!
I feel like I have a tendency to... 'Father' that sounds weird- I'm going to use the word Mother because it's less creepy- I have a tendency to Mother my wife recently but I think there are fine lines between supporting and taking care of and Mothering.
It's a tricky one!!
Kierst- when I was a kid I asked my Mum to do something for me (can't remember what now)- she walked over, knelt in front of me and squeezed my ankles, lifted each foot up and examined my toes. Stood up and said "YOU CAN WALK ON THEM".
[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:40 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
Is your H not OK with making his own lunch? If so, I don't see anything wrong with his compromising on when lunch is made, like shortly before you hit the sack.
You might mention to him that if you get up at 4:30, you might be too tired for awesome moments and whatnot in the evening....
I am in the camp that my teen would make his own lunch also though. My boys are 5 and 7 and have many of their own responsibilities here. Lunch isn't one yet, but it's coming.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
I do think it's a 'wife type thing' to make your husbands packed lunch - but for him to expect you to get up at 4.30am to do it is unreasonable in my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to get up at that time in the morning to make something for me that I am perfectly capable of making myself - whether they were at SAHM or not. You've offered to make it the night before, if that's not acceptable to him then he should make it himself without complaint...imo.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:59 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]
Second....BY ALL MEANS, making the lunch the night before should NOT be an issue. Good grief. Did he grow up in the Royal Family?
And for those that even quetion why you are making the lunch...I suggest reading the 5 Love Languages. My Love Language is Acts of Service and Affirmation. Gifts is pretty much in there too. So...when my H empties the dishwasher, I am pleased. When he cleans out my car, he will be rewarded, when I see him folding the laundry and he has just bought me my favourite coffee,and oh what's that? He has just told me I am beautiful? well....the kids are going to be early that night!
Sms, just let him know that you are happy to make the lunches but compromise is they are done the night before. Period. And he must make his own appointments. I DO help my H out with certain calls when his time is limited. I know he appreciates it. My boys are in school now...I have the time to do it!
As for the doctor's appointments, that's hardly an onerous task for him to take on--certainly he should, if he just complains about the days and times you choose.
In Sexual Detours (I think--I may have read this somewhere else) the author says that when the husband sees the wife as a mother figure, it is difficult for the husband to see her as a sexual being--and that feeds into seeking sex elsewhere.
(Digression: That hit home to me, because although I don't do many mommy things for my FWH, I am a lot like his mother in some ways--avid crossword fan, always looking things up, similar sense of humor. She and I got along very well. Eeek...)
That doesn't mean one shouldn't run routine errands (like picking up dry cleaning) or perform kindnesses, of course. But where does one draw the line between performing kindnesses and mommying? I don't have the answer to that.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
Bottom line, you stop doing it. Learned that the hard way and thru many paid visits to my IC.
A spouse does not have absolute rites to anything if they do not treat the person they profess to love like shit. All those nice little things you do for him are out of the goodness of your heart, not just because he expects it.
IMO, he needs to either compromise with you by letting you make his lunch at night, if you are still willing, or make lunch for himself. Same goes with the appts. Either give you a list of times he can make it, and don't bitch about the final appt time, or make the appt himself.
At some point, he has to act like an adult about these things.