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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Good Wife or Mommy?
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH got a little miffed at me this past week. He has run out of a prescription and needs to see the doctor before he can get a refill. He wants me to make a doctors appointment for him. I don't want to.

Let me explain. I have made doctors appointments for him in the past. When I tell FWH the time or day, he gets upset oftentimes and says "Why did you make it that time/day?" Also, sometimes the person making the appointment asks me questions that only FWH would have the exact answer to. So, I feel that FWH should make his own appointments. He knows what days, times works best for him and he can answer the questions, if any.

FWH's perspective is that I am home and have all the time in the world to make his appointments. I am a stay at home mom. He asks when will he be able to make an appointment? Well, he gets home before the doctor office closes many days. He can call then. He can call on his break or lunch breaks. He can actually call anytime during his day because he has no supervision, he is his own boss, but he is very ethical about work. Always has been.

Then there is the making of the lunches. Many, many years ago I would make FWH's lunch. He would complain 3 days out of 5 about the lunch I made him. Finally, I stopped and he made his own lunches, but complained that I didn't make his lunch. He then started working a different job and pretty much ate lunch out all the time.

He is now working where there really isn't the option to eat lunch out. He packs a lunch. He would like me to make his lunch. However, I don't function well at 4:30 am and making lunch at 4:30 is just sickening to me, and as I said, I don't function well. I have offered to make his lunch the night before (I am more of a night person) and put it in the fridge for him. Nope! He wants his lunch freshly made in the morning. I do make sure every week that FWH has all the supplies he needs and wants for his lunches for the week. I do get up at 6:30 am to make DS17's lunch.

We have been married a long time. FWH has oftentimes forced me into the "mommy" role and then resented me for it. I also resented being forced into a "mommy" role and I can recall many arguments where he would yell at me "You're not my mother" and me being pissed because he forced me into the role.

Does this make sense to anyone? I just shared two blatant examples of where I feel he was making me his "mommy" but there are many more. More subtle. What do you all think? Is he trying to make me his "mommy" or should I be doing these things as part of being a "Good Wife"?

I do feel that his forcing me into this role of "mommy" played into his being able to have an affair.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is acting like a giant baby and absolutely putting you in the mommy role! Can't make his own appointments? Seriously?! Sister, you are absolutely right. You are not his mommy, and it is not a dynamic you want to get back into.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see the Dr thing as his responsibility, and if he is wanting you to make his lunch and you stay at home that is a wife thing. That is just my opinion though.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respect your opinion, TG. Don't you think me offering to make his lunch at night is being a "good wife" though?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SMS,

I'll be honest - SandAway makes my lunch and doctor's appointments. And I appreciate the hell out of it. She does a lot for me that I could probably do (and used to) but since she is a SAHM, it takes some of the weight off my shoulders. It's just more efficient for us - but she knows my schedule, and I try to never bitch about the appointment time . That, and she makes a great lunch - I eat at my desk (I don't take a lunch break) so it's usually fruit, yogurt, a salad etc. thrown into my old lunch box. I don't look at it as her being a "mommy" to me, even though she's usually making our son's school lunch the same time she's making mine, if she didn't want to do it, I would. All that being said, I think you have some valid reasons for not wanting to do those routines for your H, I'm sure SandAway wouldn't either if all I did was complain.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4091 | Registered: Dec 2011
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He needs to make his own appts, and there is no reason to expect you to get up at 4:30 to make his lunch. Then again, I also wouldn't make lunch for a teenager...


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wouldn't make lunch for a teenager...
I knew someone would give me a hard time for doing this!

eta: FWH's did EVERYTHING for FWH and his father. He was/is her "Golden Boy". Probably why he expects me to do everything like his mommy did. And, I am teaching my DS17 the same thing, huh?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:35 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, the struggle of always wanting to do small special things vs letting them do it themselves.

My mom used to say "you know I love you but you have two hands" when I was wanting her to do things for me that I was capable of doing.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
idiot85
♂ 38934
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife used to do more for me but more recently I've been doing things for myself and for her- we both work.

It depends how you feel in my opinion- there's no right or wrong answer- if you feel like you're Mothering that's bad- if you feel like you're being a good wife- that's good!

I feel like I have a tendency to... 'Father' that sounds weird- I'm going to use the word Mother because it's less creepy- I have a tendency to Mother my wife recently but I think there are fine lines between supporting and taking care of and Mothering.

It's a tricky one!!

Kierst- when I was a kid I asked my Mum to do something for me (can't remember what now)- she walked over, knelt in front of me and squeezed my ankles, lifted each foot up and examined my toes. Stood up and said "YOU CAN WALK ON THEM".

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:40 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Josephine01
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are totally within your rights. he does want you to take on the mommy role. This role played a part in my WH cheating too. When he respected her time much more than he ever respected mine.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can A make appointments for B unless A controls B's time and calendar? And what's in it for A if B complains after the appointment is made? I don't see a good compromise here - your H should make his own appts. (fact, not opinion?).

Is your H not OK with making his own lunch? If so, I don't see anything wrong with his compromising on when lunch is made, like shortly before you hit the sack.

You might mention to him that if you get up at 4:30, you might be too tired for awesome moments and whatnot in the evening....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it depends on what you are making, if it is sandwiches I can understand his point. If not, and making it the night before really doesn't affect the quality of what is being made, then no, it shouldn't matter.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
jellybean22
♀ 38732
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see why a grown man can't make his own lunch and appointments. Especially if he consistently complains about the acts that are done for him.

I am in the camp that my teen would make his own lunch also though. My boys are 5 and 7 and have many of their own responsibilities here. Lunch isn't one yet, but it's coming.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he should make his own doctor appointments for the exact reasons you stated in your post - he knows the times/days that are most suitable for him.

I do think it's a 'wife type thing' to make your husbands packed lunch - but for him to expect you to get up at 4.30am to do it is unreasonable in my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to get up at that time in the morning to make something for me that I am perfectly capable of making myself - whether they were at SAHM or not. You've offered to make it the night before, if that's not acceptable to him then he should make it himself without complaint...imo.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:59 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sms - To answer your question - yes,there is a little bit of "mommy" in here. I feel he should make his own appointments. I cannot stand being the middle-man for that type of thing altho I see how I put myself into that position simply by agreeing to do it some days.

Second....BY ALL MEANS, making the lunch the night before should NOT be an issue. Good grief. Did he grow up in the Royal Family?

And for those that even quetion why you are making the lunch...I suggest reading the 5 Love Languages. My Love Language is Acts of Service and Affirmation. Gifts is pretty much in there too. So...when my H empties the dishwasher, I am pleased. When he cleans out my car, he will be rewarded, when I see him folding the laundry and he has just bought me my favourite coffee,and oh what's that? He has just told me I am beautiful? well....the kids are going to be early that night!

Sms, just let him know that you are happy to make the lunches but compromise is they are done the night before. Period. And he must make his own appointments. I DO help my H out with certain calls when his time is limited. I know he appreciates it. My boys are in school now...I have the time to do it!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2613 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SadFlower
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake, I side with you, especially about lunch. It is unreasonable to ask anyone to get up at 4:30 to make a lunch.

As for the doctor's appointments, that's hardly an onerous task for him to take on--certainly he should, if he just complains about the days and times you choose.

In Sexual Detours (I think--I may have read this somewhere else) the author says that when the husband sees the wife as a mother figure, it is difficult for the husband to see her as a sexual being--and that feeds into seeking sex elsewhere.

(Digression: That hit home to me, because although I don't do many mommy things for my FWH, I am a lot like his mother in some ways--avid crossword fan, always looking things up, similar sense of humor. She and I got along very well. Eeek...)

That doesn't mean one shouldn't run routine errands (like picking up dry cleaning) or perform kindnesses, of course. But where does one draw the line between performing kindnesses and mommying? I don't have the answer to that.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's going to complain about everything you do, then he can do it himself. IMO, I think he's forcing you into the mommy role.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6029 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether its your husband or a neighbor or a friend.....if you are doing a kindness for someone out of the goodness of your heart and they bitch about it????

Bottom line, you stop doing it. Learned that the hard way and thru many paid visits to my IC.

A spouse does not have absolute rites to anything if they do not treat the person they profess to love like shit. All those nice little things you do for him are out of the goodness of your heart, not just because he expects it.


Posts: 5698 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
TXBW68
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has always made his own appts and his own lunch. Before and After the A. He irons his own clothes too. I don't know his schedule, what he wants to eat or what he wants to wear. All of that is entirely up to him. He's a grown man who is just as capable as I am. The thing with my husband is that he would never ask me to do it - just as I don't ask him to do it for me. If one of us is injured, obviously the other would help - and we have in the past. Otherwise, we take care of our own business.

IMO, he needs to either compromise with you by letting you make his lunch at night, if you are still willing, or make lunch for himself. Same goes with the appts. Either give you a list of times he can make it, and don't bitch about the final appt time, or make the appt himself.

At some point, he has to act like an adult about these things.

((hugs))


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its not the acts, but rather his complaining when an act is given that burns my rear. If he thanked you and appreciated all your doing with occasional flowers, than my guess you wouldnt feel like his mommy but rather a his wife.
To me the problem lies in his response and entitlement.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 46
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