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Trying Again

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meplustwo posted 5/28/2013 11:55 AM

Hi All
So I find myself back here (after he promised to stop talking to her, told me he hadn't talked to her, then finding out it was a lie) after an insane weekend where I found my ws lying to me and cofronted them at the ow's house on Friday night. At first, he tried to put it on me (I was a crazy stalker. I already told you I was confused...). I left saying it was over. He called at 6:00 am he following morning saying he had talked to the ow and they agreed on NC, except as necessary for work.
Now he says he wants to try to work things out. I already told him I don't trust him and his actions will speak louder than words. He knows my demands if he is to move back in with us (NC, transparancy, etc.).
Do I accept him back in to try to work on things after ths very abrupt event which shattered his false reality (and mine)?
If we do start (restart)reconciliation, should we have a contract where we spell out my requirements and his while we try to work things out?
How do you deal with trying to not be overbaring while trying to rebuild trust?
Thanks in advance for any advice!

confused615 posted 5/28/2013 12:04 PM

I wouldn't let him move back in yet. Tell him he has to show you,through his actions,that he is changing and putting you first.

The first thing he needs to do is get another job.

He and the OW decided together to have NC..after he spent the night with her. I call bullshit. The affair is most likely going underground.

Please be very careful. You can not trust this man.

Rebreather posted 5/28/2013 12:12 PM

Persoally, I would not consider R until he no longer worked with her. Period. He's already qualifying NC by allowing contact at work. No bueno. Death to a recovery after that many lies, TT and ddays.

You cannot be overbearing in this process. He either mans up, RIGHT NOW, or you move on. You MUST be firm, and hard, and dead serious in your R demands at this time.

Pudding posted 5/28/2013 12:19 PM

Insist on NC apart from essential is not up to the two of them to decide. What she thinks, feels etc is irrelevant. If he wants to rebuild the M, he has to agree to NC and then he tells her NC. No ifs no buts, that is how it is. You and he need to stand together. OW has nothing to do with it. She has to be told clearly and firmly its over.

My FWH OW is a coworker and I hate it. Since commencement of R, he has stayed with same company but moved offices, some does not see her every day anymore. Fine has to work in the old office, he has to tell me in advance and if he is expecting to see her for work reasons or not. He tells me when he gets in if she is there or not as she has external meetings and he no longer knows her schedule. He tells me after every meeting with her and I demand to know exactly what he is feeling about seeing her etc.

He also has to travel with her and others which is absolutely awful, only rarely, but is dreadful. This last time, he kept in touch with me all the time, didn't drink, left as soon as the meal was over, sat other end of tale, did not discuss anything personal and avoided all eye contact. He only spoke to her about the work and made it quite clear that he did not talk to her about anything else. I have to recognise he has to work away occasionally, but I make him define his boundaries and report back on them. It's hard but it is getting easier.

I drafted a contract with him which I made him sign. It has worked for us and he has kept to the letter and more, whilst I have not kept to my side. I have screamed and shouted and got hysterical and he has stuck right in there to make me feel better.

Your BH needs to show commitment and do whatever you want him to do to make you heal. In my view, there has to be NC except for essential work and complete transparency about an work contact. He should also aim to cease work contact over a reasonable period oftime

brokensmile322 posted 5/28/2013 12:24 PM

He stayed with her until 6 am to decide he will have NC except for work?!

No way. He wants you, he needs to show actions, not words. His not leaving RIGHT away is your first sign that this is not the kind of R you are looking for...

Spell out what you need to R, what are deal breakers with no questions asked, and what the consequences are/will be.

Do not take him back until he *SHOWS* he is doing what you need for a substantial amount of time. Like a few months.

First thing would be his much does he work with her and how closely? Are you able to live with this arrangement? How will you ever be able to monitor their interaction? These are some hard questions you need to ask yourself. And you need to know the answers to these questions before you say YES to R.

Protect yourself. No one else will. Hugs!

ladies_first posted 5/28/2013 13:49 PM

I found my ws lying to me and cofronted them at the ow's house on Friday night.

Now he says he wants to try to work things out.

Moving home is a reward for proper married behavior. Responsibility for his actions.

Don't reward him for ***king OW till 6a.m. Saturday morning!

[This message edited by ladies_first at 1:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

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