The first thing he needs to do is get another job.
He and the OW decided together to have NC..after he spent the night with her. I call bullshit. The affair is most likely going underground.
Please be very careful. You can not trust this man.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You cannot be overbearing in this process. He either mans up, RIGHT NOW, or you move on. You MUST be firm, and hard, and dead serious in your R demands at this time.
My FWH OW is a coworker and I hate it. Since commencement of R, he has stayed with same company but moved offices, some does not see her every day anymore. Fine has to work in the old office, he has to tell me in advance and if he is expecting to see her for work reasons or not. He tells me when he gets in if she is there or not as she has external meetings and he no longer knows her schedule. He tells me after every meeting with her and I demand to know exactly what he is feeling about seeing her etc.
He also has to travel with her and others which is absolutely awful, only rarely, but is dreadful. This last time, he kept in touch with me all the time, didn't drink, left as soon as the meal was over, sat other end of tale, did not discuss anything personal and avoided all eye contact. He only spoke to her about the work and made it quite clear that he did not talk to her about anything else. I have to recognise he has to work away occasionally, but I make him define his boundaries and report back on them. It's hard but it is getting easier.
I drafted a contract with him which I made him sign. It has worked for us and he has kept to the letter and more, whilst I have not kept to my side. I have screamed and shouted and got hysterical and he has stuck right in there to make me feel better.
Your BH needs to show commitment and do whatever you want him to do to make you heal. In my view, there has to be NC except for essential work and complete transparency about an work contact. He should also aim to cease work contact over a reasonable period oftime
No way. He wants you, he needs to show actions, not words. His not leaving RIGHT away is your first sign that this is not the kind of R you are looking for...
Spell out what you need to R, what are deal breakers with no questions asked, and what the consequences are/will be.
Do not take him back until he *SHOWS* he is doing what you need for a substantial amount of time. Like a few months.
First thing would be his job...how much does he work with her and how closely? Are you able to live with this arrangement? How will you ever be able to monitor their interaction? These are some hard questions you need to ask yourself. And you need to know the answers to these questions before you say YES to R.
Protect yourself. No one else will. Hugs!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
I found my ws lying to me and cofronted them at the ow's house on Friday night.
Now he says he wants to try to work things out.
Moving home is a reward for proper married behavior. Responsibility for his actions.
Don't reward him for ***king OW till 6a.m. Saturday morning!
[This message edited by ladies_first at 1:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]