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Starting to face reality

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Thorston posted 5/28/2013 12:28 PM

I have been in NC for 2 weeks now, after moving out. When I decided to leave, which was a few months ago now (stupid lawyer stuff took forever), it was to give her "time to think about what she wants". However as time goes by, I am really starting to realize that it probobly really is over and her wanting to think about what she wants is just her way of making me file for D.

Now that I am gone, I am really wondering if I just should file and completely move on with my life.

I know everyone says file and you can always stop it, but in talking to my lawyer, therotically I can file today and be divorced within a couple of weeks, but most likely couple of months. (Waiting time is less for Adultery and we have almost surpassed that time).

I guess I just don't really know what to do.

suckstobeme posted 5/28/2013 12:45 PM

Is she still with OM?

Even if the answer to that question is no, if she's doing nothing at all on her end to facilitate communication and show you that this is not what she wants, then you are most likely correct in that she's already checked out and is not going to turn it around.

That said, even if she did, what would you want? We spend so much time in the beginning worrying about what the wayward is thinking and what they need, we essentially ignore ourselves. I think that's where you will find your answer - when you stop worrying about her and start really thinking about whether, after all of this and a period of true NC, you could ever think about R. Read in the R forum for a bit and you wil see what a tremendous amount of work and pain is involved. Could you really see yourself doing that? IMO, the BS is so shocked and thrown off kilter that our fantasy in this scenario is to just put it all back together and have life return to normal. That's a big fantasy. Life, as you know it, whether you R or not, is over. A new normal is going to emerge and you have to decide if you want her to be a part of it.

My situation was a lot like yours. After a couple weeks of him doing nothing at all to talk to me or even act like I was still alive, I knew what had to be done. He chose to erase me from his world and the pain was unbearable. He forced me to file because his life wasn't going to change one bit whether we D or remained S forever. As along as he no longer had to deal with me, he was fine. I wasn't willing to be on the other end of that kind of constant, horrific disrespect. I decided to D because he gave me no choice and I realized that I was hanging on to something that didn't exist anymore.

I'm sorry you are hurting like I did and that she is insensitive and cruel enough to force you to take charge of a situation that she created. There's no saying you have to do this immediately. As long as finances and kids ( if you have them ) are protected, you could stay like this for a while. At the same time, filing helps you to feel like you took back some of your power because God knows she took it all away when she decided to make a unilateral choice about your future.

7yrsflushed posted 5/28/2013 12:45 PM

it was to give her "time to think about what she wants".
NC has a way of helping you come to terms with your situation. I would suggest you turn the above around and use the next few weeks to actually think about what YOU want instead. I know for me I couldn't make a decision to file until I changed my mindset from focusing on my STBXWW to focusing on me and what I wanted. I also am in the camp that my WW no longer wnated to be married but didn't have the courage to file so I ended up doing it.

tabitha95 posted 5/28/2013 12:54 PM

Her time to think about what she wants was when she was planning her A.

I believe it is all about the BS after discovery. Whatever it takes for the BS to recover.

It sucks to admit that you mean so little to someone after you've given them so much of you. I don't want to be with XH, but the rejection still stings to this day and has hurt my self-esteem.

Allowing her to continue to call the shots is not going to help you heal.

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