"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

anv5 posted 5/28/2013 13:01 PM

My husband & I were separated 5 yrs ago & he had a female roommate. We reconciled & he swore on everything that there was nothing between them & she was just a roommate & she was "old, fat & nasty" so I had nothing to worry about. She was 15ish years older & heavy & not very pretty so after months of convincing I beleived him. I just found out yesterday it was a lie & they did have sex (more than once) he says only 3-4 times & that it wasn't cheating because we weren't together & he lied because "he didn't want me to be hurt" It hurts so bad...in some ways its better because I have the truth but it's not right because I deserved to know the truth THEN I am getting another std test I just don't know how to deal with everything it's my fault though I told him that to try to make things work this time I need the whole truthI'm sorry i guess this is more a vent than anything I just don't know how to deal with it all...really wish he would have upgraded instead of someone like her I am by no means a model or a saint but compared to her I am it took him over 3 months to decide he wanted me back instead of her & then lied all these years. The lies hurt most because our reconciliation was built on lies plus it makes it soooooooooooooo hard to beleive him now that there was no sex this time (btw not separated this time so he can't use that excuse... that's why I wonder if he'd tell the truth or lie ya know)

kiki1 posted 5/28/2013 13:09 PM

Hello Anv5. I know just how you feel. I had an inkling my husband had two girlfriends, but it took him 2 1/2 years after dday to confirm it. Having suspicions didnt make it easier to bear. It still hurts like hell. Its not your fault, it never was. He made his choice regarding your relationship and never bothered to give you a choice. Not your fault. (((anv5)))

Chefj9 posted 5/28/2013 14:29 PM

I'm sorry. I just found out abuot OW#2 & 3, after being told that he had told me everything..... UH, not even close. And I think there's more.

(((hugs)))

1Faith posted 5/28/2013 18:36 PM

Anv5

How did you find out? The reason I ask is if he was being honest and confessing that is different (in a way) than be caught. Has there been a recent A?

Either way it is hurtful and deceitful and wrong. I am sorry for you.

What is his response since you found out?

Good luck. We are all here for you.

(((Hugs and prayers)))

anv5 posted 5/30/2013 11:13 AM

1Faith
I caught him contacting girls on craigslist a couple months ago, he swears it was only texts & emails no calls, meeting or touching in any way. When we were separated 5 yrs ago he had a female roommate...he made up the most elaborate lies creating the girlfriend my son met (but swore he didn't have sex with her or the roommate even though we were separated) last week his mom (trying to defend him & not knowing the lies) assured me he only had the one girlfriend that lived there that I already knew about...so I confronted him & he admitted there was no girlfriend the woman my son met that he was seeing was the "roommate" and that yes they had sex I have a hearder time with the 4-5years of lies than the he had ssex with her but when he confirmed I did unfortunatly get so upset I threw up. He has been trying to be understanding & he is remorseful but in some ways he just doesn't get it...he will let me look at his phone but "doesn't understand because I'm doing good now" I wish he'd understand that being good now that you got caught is not the same as having never done it...I didn't check his phone or email for a couple years until now *sigh*

1Faith posted 5/30/2013 11:59 AM

Anv5

So so sorry. It is hard for the WS to understand the hurt of the BS.

Look in the healing library as there are couple of great articles there that vividly describe the devastation.

(((gently)))
I think you knew all along in your gut that he was lying about the roommate. You just didn't have proof. So it hurts because your worst fears have been validated. It is not easy to reconcile deception and betrayal. You are hurt and in shock and understandably so.

Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up. You didn't create this. But do allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. Anger, sadness, despair and hope. All has to come out in order to move on.

The second thing is the Craiglist bs. It is a trigger for you. I don't care if he met up with anyone or not. It is an EA every time he connects with someone that is not you. Period.

He is putting time and energy into a lie and fantasy vs. his marriage.

I suggest IC for you both and eventually MC. But first he has to get to the root of why he chooses to prowl CL for hook ups. WRONG on every level and it has to stop.

Hang in there and be strong. You are better than this and you know it.

Sending hugs

gonnabe2016 posted 5/30/2013 12:04 PM

I didn't check his phone or email for a couple years until now

Yea, and what did you find? That he was trolling around for girls on Craigslist.

The guy is NOT *doing good right now*. He doesn't get a flipping cookie for doing what a husband is SUPPOSED to do <-- NOT contact random strange women on the internet.

anv5 posted 5/30/2013 14:42 PM

That was my point too...if there was nothing to hide it wouldn't have been an issue. Anyone can see, look at, play with my phone at any time I don't care...because I have nothing to hide. I swear I feel like telling him for him to say that is like a drug addict protesting a drug test because they've been clean for almost two months so they have proven they will never do drugs again right