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Reconciliation :
Email from OW - Respond? Crickets?

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 3kids30years (original poster member #38879) posted at 8:27 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Okay, short recap. OW's daughter and my DD are on same soccer team. I have to see it ALL THE F*&KING time. She and her BH are separated (have been since before the A - I *think*). I do not like to talk to him, never have. Now he is a trigger for me. (He does not know about the A, according to WH.)

So, OW forwards an email to WH (not me!) and he (her BS) is asking it if he has done something because we (WH and I) are "cold" when he talks to us. WTF? Its email says "You two have left me no choice". Really? Choice to do what? You made your choice when you went after a married man. Tell him you were sleeping with MY WH? I'm fine with it telling him. I wanted to, but didn't because of the girls. Didn't want them to have to deal with the backlash.

It received the email from its BS late Friday night - didn't forward - to WH only, not me!- until this morning, after WH was at work. Sent to both personal and work emails. I told WH that it is fishing, looking for a way to wiggle back into his life. Looking for a response from him so it can respond back. If it was REALLY concerned, it would forward email to both of us. My response is no response. Go fish somewhere else. Thoughts?

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 2:47 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

BW - 52 on Dday
WH - 53 on Dday
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: NorCal
id 6352260
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brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

I'd have no response. Let her explain.

Why are her emails not bouncing? They should be blocked IMHO.

If not, I would look into it now. Just a thought...

((Hugs))

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

posts: 2040   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6352264
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 3kids30years (original poster member #38879) posted at 8:34 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Its emails go straight to spam - but can't do anything with the work email.

WH received the one at work and then checked his spam folder. He did contact me immediately (at least from the date stamp of the email).

I'll have to check and see how to just let it bounce back to it.

BW - 52 on Dday
WH - 53 on Dday
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: NorCal
id 6352266
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

3kids30years,

Please note the Reconciliation Forum description:

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6352287
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 3kids30years (original poster member #38879) posted at 8:48 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

Apologies, - didn't realize I was venting or name calling.

BW - 52 on Dday
WH - 53 on Dday
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: NorCal
id 6352290
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fourever ( member #30631) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

I think I would send a note or better, call the bs saying: " Based on your wife's affair with my husband from date to date, please tell her, her continued intrusion is not welcome in our marriage. Please ask her to refrain from contacting my husband and me again."

Just because they were/are separated before, after, during, doesn't really matter. Married is married. No gray line here.

Pull on some bitch boots and make it very clear. And hopefully painful!

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

posts: 917   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2011   ·   location: Northeast
id 6352294
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StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

My thoughts are that she's going to keep fishing because she can. If you're fine with telling the BS, tell him. It takes that away from her and forces her to deal with her own shit the way your WH has to deal with his.

The BH being in the dark is also going to continue making assumptions about your behavior.

Don't respond to her but don't be surprised if this continues indefinitely.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

posts: 7918   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 6352299
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Searchingforhope ( member #38437) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

I agree with letting her BH know the truth. Why should he be the only one in the dark? I think that is so unfair. Even if you don't like him, I think it's his right to know.

As far as the girls (daughers) I don't understand... what backlash? Is it not possible to keep this between the adults only?

Yes, she may be fishing...and after her BH find out she may wish she never threw out the line.

Me: BW 51 at the time(didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54 at the time(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs at the time
DDAY 04/25/12
Working on R
PA Lasted 2 weeks. OW totally screwed up $@#%.


posts: 271   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2013
id 6352305
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 3kids30years (original poster member #38879) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

I think I'll talk to WH tonight, after work, and suggest we send an email to its BS and let him know why we are distancing ourselves. It can explain to him if it wishes to. No secrets anymore. Not my problem.

BW - 52 on Dday
WH - 53 on Dday
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: NorCal
id 6352309
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losingmyground ( member #36070) posted at 3:18 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

Respond by all means.

But I suggest that you do it by exposing her to her BH. You should have done that a long time ago.

Also, there is more than one soccer team out there. Please separate you kids from their kids.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

posts: 291   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2012
id 6352728
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Want2help ( member #20547) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

Separated is not divorced. Please tell the BH.

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point. His OC, my OC...

UPDATE: Divorcing after almost 20 years.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2008
id 6352864
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ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 5:20 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

You say you "think" they are separated (I heard that one too), but that does not mean divorce, and perhaps they are using this time in limbo to figure out whether their marriage is worth saving, but he doesn't even know what he is trying to reconcile from!!

The fact that she sent the same email to her BH and your WH tells me that she is keeping her dirty little secret and banking on you and your WH not saying anything since they are "separated." Perhaps his "separation" will lead to "divorce" if he knows the truth.

My advice is to send a strongly worded No Contact letter to the OW, including the threat of harassment if she bothers you by this means again.

And I would DEFINITELY tell the BH what you know so that he can make his own decisions regarding his marriage. She is obviously lying to him, and completely using him by including him in the "why can't we just be friends" email. This is and of itself proves that they are not fully separated as they are talking to each and working as a team to try to keep mutual friends..

I feel so very sorry for betrayed spouses who are kept in the dark, and the people who continue to keep the secrets from him give him much more pain than you can imagine.. That was one of the most painful things for me after D-Day when I was trying to figure out who knew and who didn't, and you definitely don't want to be part of the problem here causing his pain.. Please tell him everything you know. This woman is using and manipulating him, and it's just not fair to him..

Good luck to you..

ETA- Just a thought, but perhaps you are being kept in the dark with these emails as he knows more than he is letting on and is trying to deceive you, as he doesn't think you know the truth. I really think it's time for an honest conversation with the BH..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:23 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

xBW~ 40
Two DS~ 15 and 11

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Flat Earth
id 6352890
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BeyondBreaking ( member #38020) posted at 5:42 AM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

I am with fourever... That kind of an e-mail to the BH would answer his question and leave her with a huge fish to fry, since she loves fishing so much.

Further, I would have your husband reply and add to it that any further contact from her will be considered harassment and you will be forced to take legal action protecting yourselves and your family from such harassment. That should shut her up- or give you a one way ticket to an attorney's office for a restraining order. Either way, not your problem anymore.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

posts: 879   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2013
id 6352913
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Searchingforhope ( member #38437) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2013

Just sending you lots of support and ((hugs))..

Me: BW 51 at the time(didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54 at the time(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs at the time
DDAY 04/25/12
Working on R
PA Lasted 2 weeks. OW totally screwed up $@#%.


posts: 271   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2013
id 6355147
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guarded ( member #25364) posted at 11:30 AM on Saturday, June 1st, 2013

I am not sure what the "you leave me no choice" is supposed to mean. Does she plan to tell your daughter?

I'd respond by email to her BS, explaining her behavior (A with your H) and cc her as well. I would also comment on failing to see why she would forward and share what was obviously personal correspondence b/w them with another married man.

Just saying, that is pretty low if you ask me.

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

posts: 546   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2009   ·   location: NY
id 6357542
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