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User Topic: Need Your Insight
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to share my story and gain insight from others that have/are going down this path. I have been with my husband since I was 18years old. He had a couple of one night stands when we were dating, so I have somewhat been down this road before. He did rebuild my trust and at age 19 years I was married. He is 11 years older than I. Throughout our marriage, he has been a severe alcoholic. Naive me, I thought you get married and have kids and quit drinking, but I didn't realize that he had been married once already and had a child and still partied like a 21 year old. Throughout our marriage he has been very crude and flirtatious to women, right in front of me and in front of the kids. He progressed to no job and drinking over a 30 pack of beer per day. The marriage looking back has always been a difficult one. I have never felt loved and have certainly been an enabler justifying everything that was going on. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and everything that goes along with alcoholism, but I truly did believe that he really loved me. I know think maybe he is very dependent. Regardless, everything always has seemed more important to him that me and our kids. Last October, he was becoming so angry and becoming so abusive to the children that I left him and filed for divorce. From there he decided that he would go to treatment and I ended up dropping the divorce to see where we would end up. He came home and really seemed like a different person. I let all of my resentments go and was ready for a new life with him...and then I found a love letter from a lady at treatment. I started searching around to see if I found anything else and found a stack of porn in one of his tool trailers, I then found a track phone that he was calling this lady on. From there I looked at his "formal" cell phone and found a text that had no name on it, but he had texted this person after coming home. I questioned him on everything and he denied everything. I then decided to call the number and it was a girl (20 years younger than him) that he overtly flirted with at the grocery store. From there small lies started coming out. "She was coming out here and I kissed her a few times, but they were friend kisses". To, "well, I had sex with her once" to find out it was an affair lasting for several months. I told him that I suspected him of having multiple affairs and named the people I suspected. I told him that I didn't want to find out years from now that there were more. He assured me that there were not. A month later.."there was another lasted about a year". All in all, he admitted to 2 affairs and takes no accountability for EA or whatever from treatment. He was sneaking out of the house when the kids and I were asleep and having sex with them on our property in his pickup and in the garage/shop and had a track phone so that I couldn't catch him on the phone bill or see a text. These women are really nasty and I know them both as they both worked at the grocery store. I saw them almost everyday. The last one he admitted to I had suspected at the time and questioned him 3 times. I had also found the phone and he told me it was his friends and he had forgotten it when he was charging it. Where is the conscience? He said that he always loved me, but thought that I didn't love him because I did not want to have sex very often with him and he needed sex and attention. I admit that our sex life was not good. I worked non-stop, as I was the only employed parent. Did the laundry, dishes, most of the cooking..and I held a lot of resentments about his being drunk and not helping me and that was probably not right of me. I was disgusted with him and I guess that he could feel that. I don't know if that is what caused the affairs or if he has been doing this for the entire 14 years of our marriage. I don't believe anything that he tells me know. He keeps telling me that I need to get over it and he won't do it again, that he is changed and could never do that sober. I disagree and I believe he proved that by still contacting other women behind my back after coming back from treatment. He does not appear to be cheating now, but I really have no idea. He tends to put all the blame on me and pull every conversation to himself. Like, well if you would have given me more attention I wouldn't have cheated. I felt like you were forcing me to have an affair. ( I did tell him once in anger to marry a whore, because every sentence and conversation we had was about sex and he put constant sexual pressure on me_boy I regret saying that) He said that if I would have "put out" more that he wouldn't have had to have sex with someone that he didn't love. He wanted me, but I was unavailable and they were very available. All he had to do was call. He said that they came to him and they should have said no. I said "you are the married guy, you should have said no". I got angry and said "what did you go on a f...fest or what? He said yeah but they "f" me, they wanted me, they came to me. Every time I tell him that I am feeling sad, he says yeah me too. He said this is harder on him than it is on anyone else because he is part of the cause, but he has to leave his home and his kids. (we separated yesterday). I know that this isn't my fault, but somehow I feel like I caused this because I wasn't showing him enough affection and giving him enough sex:-( I love him and I am so confused by his responses. I don't feel like he is very remorseful even though he says he is and that he is sorry. He says that he has a deeper love for me than he has ever had. He also said that when we got married it wasn't in a church so it wasn't Holy and he didn't feel Holy. What??? I know that people can get through affairs, but I am feeling very hopeless at this point. It has been 8 months and he finally said that instead of wishing that he didn't get caught he wishes that he wouldn't have done it. Wow, it took 8 months to figure that out? Is that normal? I feel like I am going insane and I don't feel that I can believe anything that he says or does. I don't understand why he even wants to stay married? He constantly says that he loves me, but then he adds- I love you and I am showing you and changing everything about me. I am not drinking and I have a job..why won't you try harder, just try to let me into your life. I love you, why don't you love me and show me your affection. I am a different person than I was, that drunk guy is gone now. If you would be more willing to work on this, we can have something beautiful, but you won't try. I have been "trying" for 8 months, but I just can't get over the hurt and the lies. He told me that I just need to suck it up and maybe I could just come down off of my high horse down to his level for a little while and show him some compassion. I honestly have been very empathetic and compassionate to his situation and I gave him 8 months to try to sort through this and stay until graduation (his daughter), but I feel like I have failed miserably and that I have been blind for a lot of years. How did I not see this? I get so depressed when I am around him and I just can't quit crying. My counselor keeps telling me to judge by the actions and not by his words and I find that so hard to do. When I do, I see that he hasn't done any of what she asked him to do, including an amends letter to me (he says he hasn't had any time, reading the 5 love languages, and the love dare. I have done all of them within the first month. I am having a hard time believing that people (him) can hurt someone so bad to begin with. When I say that I am hurting, he says "well,I am hurting too- I don't know why people forget that I am hurting too". Again, is this normal?

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
♂ 39135
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a far better person than this man deserves. I rarely encourage D without at least giving R a chance. But if everything you have said is true, you need to get yourself and your kids away from him. Take care of yourself and your children.

You are not crazy, and his piss poor choices in life are in no way a reflection of your value or worth, and they are entirely his bad decision making and lack of coping skills. You did not drive him to this, he got in the car and drove himself. Its not your fault in the least.

Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree whole-heartedly. Make a real life for you and your children. You owe it to yourself and them to show and teach what is healthy and what is not.
You are an abuse victim, its all you've known. Now you can break this cycle and save your children from the same fate. That includes you. A wonderful life awaits you.
Get strong, and go get that healthy, loving life. He's not changed and very likely not going to.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get yourself into IC or at least alanon so you can learn how to love yourself enough to stay away from this man. You deserve much better than this. You have suffered much abuse. It will take awhile for you to learn how to stay away from him and to stop listening to him.

Continue to come here and post and listen, there are many here that can help you through this process.

Big hugs to you.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your input. He is now showing affection and being kind to me, but than he answers exactly as I stated. I do know that I need to get away from him, but I just don't know how to let go. I do not quit anything and I always believe that people can change. His reactions, to me, are not anywhere close to normal remorse. It took everything in me to stand my ground and try to block out what he says to me so that we could get separated. He is an alcoholic, sex addict, spending addict, horror show addict, sympathy junkie, and the most I get from personality is socio-pathic tendancies. I don't understand how he can be so sweet and loving externally and be so egotistical at the same time. Maybe after being away from him for awhile I will be able to think clearer. How can he state, I love you over and over and over. Such a confusing situation. It makes me sick to know that I have been married to him for so long and sucked in to always giving him the benefit of the doubt and he took advantage of it every time. I feel so bad for my children, that I chose this man to be their role model:-(

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry ((((brokenandconfused)))). This sounds like a very disfunctional situation at the moment. Even if he is now sober, he still has the alcoholic mindset. Basically a dry drunk who is still not owning his shit. You also have to realize that you can't fix him. If you gave him sex 3times a day everyday he would still be broken. It isn't about you. It is about him and his issues. Only he can fix those and it doesn't sound like his actions are owning up to his words. He is blame shifting everything onto you and you are letting him do it. Only you can say when enough is enough. I spent over 20+ yrs with XWH#1. He sounds a lot like your WS. I finally had to stop and say enough already. I had to get rid of my co-dependant issues and quit trying to fix him. You can't fix him or change him either. You don't have that power in you.

The pre-A issues are 50%, but the A is 100% his choice. You have to realize that fact before you can get to a better place in your healing. Do not allow him to blame you for his bad choices. They didn't come ask you for your opinion on their affair, did they? Of course they didn't. Sometimes people are so broken they can't fix themselves. That was my XWH#1 and it's looking like WH#2 may be headed down the same path. It is really a shame that someone is that unhappy with themselves. (((HUGS)))

BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 8796 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What darkonius said. ^^^^^^^^^
I've lived with an addict and a cheater and the one thing I've learned is, you can't love them out of either lifestyle.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Sad  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your response. I am having a hard time accepting the situation for reality. :-(

I had a text conversation with him last night and told him that I felt like he was selfish and that I needed to see much more humility and honesty from him. I also told him that I will no longer tolerate any verbal, emotional, or mental abuse from him and that it seems that he is a sympathy junkie and uses sympathy to manipulate others. His response was "how am I being selfish? How do I abuse you? and I don't want your fucking sympathy, I want your love" The conversation was much longer of course, but he obviously can't see it. Even if he did change at this point, I am not sure that I would believe it. Too many lies, too many illusions. I am so grateful that I found this site. I do have IC, but is so beneficial to have a group of peers to ask. I can't tell reality from illusion anymore, but I think that I am getting better at it.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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