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huRtZ413 posted 5/28/2013 16:46 PM

how could they ? i dont understand this person wasnt better looking than i and little to "no figure" so he says . my curves are womenly and in damn good shape for a mother of two small girls im not big or unattractive i can pull any mans attention if i wanted but i dont !!! when men attempt to come up to me its so easy to say no thanks im married . not for him he says yeah im married yeah i have kids, then she spits outs " well i dont want a relationship and you shouldnt be alone tonight" and bam she has my man !!!! i hate it . why is it easy ? she made him feel hot and that was enough for him.

sisoon posted 5/28/2013 17:37 PM

It's not about you. It's not about the ap. It's all about the WS.

BTW, I believe there's a thread in ICR for BSes with partners who had ONSes - http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=328431

Pudding posted 5/28/2013 17:57 PM

I don't get it either, but as I've come to this forum, I have learned that its not about us nor is it about the attractiveness of the OP. Without meaning to sound boastful, I know I have have so much more to offer than my FWH's OW and I am sure you are the same.

It seems to be about something in the WS needing more validation, boosting their self esteem, thinking they can get away with it, disconnecting sex from the rest of their life or whatever. I take some comfort that he wasn't emotionally involved and in the cold light of day would never have considered doing what he did. I have won hands down over the OW who never stood a chance with him. It was meaningless, so why should I let 10 minutes or however long it took to shag her in the back of her car to ruin my life?he still loves me and is full of remorse and will do anything to help me stop hurting. She meant nothing to him and never did. I think I find that easiest manage than if it had been a long emotional attachment with more meaning.

What is important however is that the WS works hard to get to the bottom of why they did it. At some point, they did make the decision to go ahead with the ONS. It didn't just happen without their consent. They need to know the why. If they don't work on the WH, there is always the possibility that they might do it again, shod the same circumstances arise. They need to workout the why and then ensure that they avoid similar situations. And your WS needs to share it with you, so to feel safe.

mysticpenguin posted 5/28/2013 19:52 PM

My WH had two ONSs, one with a stripper ( ) and I can completely relate. At the time he had the ONSs, I looked the best I have ever looked in my life -- came in 4th place in an NPC Bikini contest! It's not about us.... it's about them.

I completely relate though -- it is really scary -- the ego stroke is all it took? Really!?!? To risk throwing our marriage away, to risk throwing me away? It makes me sick if I really think about it.

(((((hugs)))))

La Traviata posted 5/29/2013 00:35 AM

It has nothing to do with you, or the person he had the ONS with.

It has everything to do with his issues.

twodoves posted 5/29/2013 09:22 AM

Yeah, when my WH had his ONS i had looked my best since having a baby. I was running and lifting, preparing for an obstacle course/ race we were doing later in the summer, i was looking good.

All his APs disgust me, but the ONS is one of the worst. She knew he was married, he even showed her a pic of our then 6 month old.

Both of them are broken, broken people.

huRtZ413 posted 5/29/2013 16:48 PM

It's sucks doesn't it ! We went to our first MC today though I got to say my WH surprised me and got straight to the point and said what he has done to our MC and said he badly wants to fix us and opened up so willingly .