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Newest Member: sponger77 (61470)

User Topic: Respect, etc.
♀ 27886
Member # 27886
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband has been out of the house for two and half years and we are very close to divorce. This is his choice, not mine. I would have prefered to keep the family in tact, work on getting over the affair and improving the marriage for all of our benefit. Initially in my counseling the counselor told me my husband was disrespecting me and the marriage. Well ever since my husband has used that word "respect" against me. He says I didn't have any respect for him. He said that was his number one goal in counseling "me giving him the respect he deserves" and I failed. It is so frustrating because it is like he views me expressing any opinion, view or emotion of my own as disrespect. And right now, as his estranged wife, I couldn't be any nicer to him. I don't think he ever fully gave up the affair and has certainly continued it for the two and half years.

We have a disabled adult daughter who he had the nerve to say was held back by me not pushing her enough. Like everything I did in 21 years was not good enough or someone else could have done it better. The woman he is with never had children let alone any with disabilities.

He says we didn't talk enough at home about the counseling/affair, etc., so he just gave up. We have always talked about a lot of things. But affair talk agitated, upset and irritated him, so I just didn't push it because I wanted him to be happy. Now he is using that has another of his reasons for giving up. Never told me he was giving up either, and was back with the OW before he even left.

Just having a hard time dealing with all his crazy making and still seeing myself has a nice and good person that I thought I was.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

still seeing myself has a nice and good person that I thought I was. 

Honey, you need to change this sentence around. It's all backwards. Tell yourself "I still see myself as a nice, good person," adding in "I'm not going to let him make me feel otherwise." Now that we fixed this sentence, keep repeating it to yourself.

You did a great job raising your daughter which is no easy task on any given day let alone when you're working with a disability. So this also shows how strong, loving, and patient you are. He can't take that away from you. The only thing he can take away from you is what you let him... don't let him.

All he wants to do is blame you so he doesn't have to own his shit. Because if he did he would have to come to the realization of what a worthless piece of shit he is, and he can't have that now can he.

Respect is earned, never given.


[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the mom of a special needs kid that is married to a disrespectful jerk also, I say......Fuck.That.Guy.

If I point out to Sultan that he's disrespectful, I get the same thing that you do. His response is: "respect is a 2 way street."

He has never said that I'm a bad parent to my SN kid....I think he knows that he wouldn't be able to get away with that. I was always fully present for my son and my family....quite unlike the one that's attention is focused on some completely irrelevant non-family person.
Again -->

Although he has said a couple of times that no one will *want* me with a son like DS. Nice, huh?

Of course your mean-ass WH is going to say that he *gave up*. That's a pretty convenient excuse for him isn't it? Sultan still, to this day, insists that he TRIED but I was just too tough and so he gave up. Heaven forbid that he just admit that he's a weak dude that'll chase the next easy, bright and shiny that comes along.
And yet another -->

Now I need to go and lie down because I'm dizzy from all of that eye-rolling......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Respect) This word has been a very heated topic of conversation around our house lately.

I had said once that WS doesn't love me or he wouldn't have done the things that he did. He has always said, He loved me. So then one day he said, he loved me, but he did not respect me.

That has always had me puzzled. Was it my fault he did not respect me? Was I the one responsible for that. Than of course I thought well, I have loved you, I have given you a second chance, I was faithful to you, I don't lie to you. So I wondered how he could not respect me.

But what I wanted to say to you is that in your post I found something the very same that my WS does.

And this you must realize

He is turning every thing around to make it your fault. Why? because he can't stand to live with what he has done. He is lying to himself to make an excuse for what he has done. He is turning it around on you.

He knows what a good nice person you are and he is trying to lower you because he can't bare to think that you are better than him. Even though he knows it

Also my WS does not want to talk at all about what he has done. I think if he did then he might have to take responsibility for it. He is allowing himself to get away with not doing the hard work. He wants you to be all happy and love him and be over with everything and sweep it under the rug. So he can go on with himself feeling less guilty.

He says we didn't talk enough at home about the counseling/affair, etc., so he just gave up. We have always talked about a lot of things. But affair talk agitated, upset and irritated him, so I just didn't push it because I wanted him to be happy.

That statement doesn't surprise me one bit.

He hasn't taken responbility for his actions or he wouldn't be blameing you.

This is where I am at also. Only still married.

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

Posts: 1745 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 4

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