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Communications with Ex

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LeftBehind08 posted 5/28/2013 21:33 PM

I have a great deal of issues with communications with xwh. I am, probably still not over it all and can quickly spiral into the wrong conversation and agreeing to things I should not agree to.

(Him, I am over. The lost years, wasted dreams, memories, blah blah, I still fight with. I fight with more how awful he is to me now. Like it is my fault. Narcissists for ya )

Any who, due to this, I try not to talk with ex ever as he can turn things around on me in a heartbeat. I donít even like being in the same area as him. I will avoid it with every ounce of my being, including skipping DD events on their time (yes, I know, badddddd, I should still go to all those soccer games (they do)). We do not talk in person, talk on the phone about 1-2x per year, and ever since I threatened harassment, the emails (single subject and always kiddo related) have dwindled to <3 a week.

My MO is to hear about something from him and crawl into a shell of self-doubt and what-ifs. Yes, even after 5 years of getting the ILY but line, I still give him that power.  I usually wait 2 days to respond and it is a factual, short (and sometimes a sharp) reply.

About 3 weeks ago, I must have let me guard down and said something funny in an email exchange. I got a response (as yes, sometimes we donít even give the other respect enough to answer questions until asked 2-3x) and have been doing it ever since. An example is my DS has finally learned to say, ďoh, itís at my DadísĒ for an excuse about something missing. I am missing his winter coat (since April) & emailed xwh if he had it. I put a big hahaaa that it took DS 5 years to figure out that excuse, but now I needed him to look for it on my behalf at their home before I go box diving at the schoolís lost & found. He responded within an hour stating they would search for it that evening. ( I really didnít need that email as he could have looked for it and then gotten back to meÖ)
I told my SO about what I have been doing and he thought I was 1) being naÔve as in the long run it will make no difference in the relationship as you cannot change the color of a skunkís stripes 2) he thought I was being manipulative in my approach in getting things done (as I am really not being nice) 3) I am playing with fire since xwh uses every email in court. SO feels that I need to get back to formal only emails.

Guess it makes me sad to be so formal and not to be me. I also understand when dealing with such an a-hole, I should never put my guard down either. Reallllly torn. And tired.

edited due to rambling

[This message edited by LeftBehind08 at 9:34 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Faithsurviver posted 5/29/2013 14:21 PM

I hate to admit it but I have stopped ALL communication with my XWH, just to receive any type of text, e-mail, etc, puts me in a negative mood so I choose to not respond.

We do have 2 children, both are older teens, but from past interactions with XWH, I learned that whatever I say will come back to bite me in regards to our children. XWH seems to deliberately do the opposite of what we had agreed to as parents while married. Its sad that he has chosen to be that way after all. I continue to raise my children as we had originally agreed on as I can honestly say that I am the more stable parent.

I met a gentleman 4 months ago and we have been dating ever since. He is respectful of myself and my children, something that my XWH had stopped being around me and our children the last few years of our marriage

Now that you are divorced, he cannot have a hold over you, unless you allow it. Remember that and it will serve you well. Good luck!

Exit Wounds posted 5/29/2013 14:27 PM

(((((LeftBehind08))))) I have no words of wisdom. I think you are going great and I wanted you to know that you have been heard. I think you are doing your best and you have grwon tremendously as your show in your writing.

Luvlyla posted 5/29/2013 17:26 PM

What is it your still secretly silently sub-consciously still expecting in communication with him?

When you figure that out, and address it you should find it easier to communicate without that niggle worm afterwards. It doesn't have to be rigidly formal, you'll be able to be blunt without holding back emotions.

Just in case it helps (based on nothing except your last post - so ignore it if its all wrong)
I'd hazard a guess that you perhaps:
still want some affirmation that he finds you funny.
that you miss that friendship with him.
that you miss having someone who has the same connection with your kids as you do.
That you want to disprove his 'marriage rewriting' by reminding him and yourself that you are a nice person.

Maybe its all of those or none of those but write out whatever it is, and write a response. then affirm that to yourself every day, or every time you're pondering an email reply.

so: affirmation that finds you funny?
SO finds you funny, your friends find you funny, the only person you should care about laughing is you. He doesn't make you laugh.

reminding that you're a nice person?
He knows you're a nice person, that's why he took advantage of your trust, he just doesn't want you to know you're a nice person who can be happy with someone else...

etc etc.

Its easier said than done though, the niggle worms still eats my heart every time i hang up and realize I wish he had asked how my week had gone. But I keep reminding myself not to expect it from him, and even if he did, what good would that do? It wouldn't mean anything.
Good luck!

Catwoman posted 5/30/2013 04:29 AM

If he is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits, the only thing he is looking for in your interactions is what is in it for *him.*

I keep it businesslike, civil and impersonal in dealing with my NPD-ex. Yes, it would be nice to have different interaction, but it is impossible because of his personality disorder. So this is it, I make the best of it and I don't second guess myself. This is what works for ME.

Sometimes when you have been beaten down by someone, you have problems seeing what is in it for yourself.


Dawn58 posted 5/30/2013 10:28 AM

Fortunately, I do not have any children with him and am still in the divorce process. For where I am right now, NC!!! Every time I heard from him, or even about him, I would cycle down. So, I changed my phone numbers - no more phone calls or texts, so my body does not clench up every time the phone rings or a text comes in. I blocked his emails as well.

All communication goes through the attorneys. It's a pain in the butt (there are some financial things I need to talk to him about) but it is giving me the space I need right now. I am in self-preservation mode and am over getting slammed to the floor ever time he contacts me.....his communication would start off civil enough but then he would start to threaten or try to manipulate.

No more, he can direct all that bs to his new skanky girlfriend, she is the one that has signed up for that now......

LeftBehind08 posted 5/30/2013 15:36 PM

Thank you all for your replies.

Now that you are divorced, he cannot have a hold over you, unless you allow it.

@FaithSurviver I am trying to take back my power. Your words are great to remember

@ Exit Wounds. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them and you.

@Luvlyla - WOW! I guess I hadn't thought of it from that direction. Very interesting. I can see where I could be doing some of this...

that you miss that friendship with him

I know I miss that friendship. It is gone and will never come back. I couldn't even allow it. But I do mourn that I trusted so blindly in that friendship. Such a mistake.

@Cat Thank you. Your whole post rang loud and clear for me.

If he is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits, the only thing he is looking for in your interactions is what is in it for *him.*

Funny, it could have been my mom talking with me. She is a prof of Psychology and often tries to get it through my thick skull he will not change.

(Xwh (and I) took huge (both multi part and multi hour) psych eval tests as part of the parenting fight. He scored in the narcissistic range Ė twice. And on the high range with both. His attorney even had both tests go through a psychometrics (and something else) to review in hopes to suppress the results.)

I donít know why I cannot see that he is this person. He is incredibly arrogant / self-entitled and really his poop never stinks and is never less than perfect.

Overall, this whole post and everyone's comments has reminded me that I do need stay official. While, I can be funny, I should be funny for me!!

Luvlyla posted 5/30/2013 16:44 PM

Cool! Glad to be of service chica!


I know I miss that friendship. It is gone and will never come back. I couldn't even allow it. But I do mourn that I trusted so blindly in that friendship. Such a mistake.

Write down a sentence like this near the phone, when he rings / emails, read it again. and every day until its natural to remember its gone and you actually don't really want HIS friendship, just A close friendship.


While, I can be funny, I should be funny for me!!

try noticing the next time you're funny in communication. do you feel validation from his laughter? then ask yourself quickly if you need it, and in fact, do you want his validation sitting in your heart?

Wanting his validation is just a by product of living with a narcissist and an unequal relationship for so long.

You can be nice because you're a nice person, and he wont change who you are, but you're not being nice FOR him, you're doing it FOR YOU.

I cant tell you how liberating it is when you suddenly catch yourself holding onto a crumb of validation in communication and then think:


PS: if hes the narcissist - HE wants it, HE needs it.
what a looser.


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