Don't Even Think About Calling/Contacting/Changing/Comforting Her
It has been a long time but I think I am there!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
What does detachment feel like? How do you know? Maybe a simplistic question with an obvious answer, but I want to be there!
Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. -Dune
I am indifferent.
It took me a long while to detach. Not so much with wanting to contact him or talk to him. I struggled more with having to hear about him moving on with OW. I got stuck for a little while in the anger and pain.
That sucked. I had a lot of shit thrown in my face - their vacations, him taking her to meet family, my kids meeting her and her brats, them moving in together. All of it. It was like a shit storm and I couldn't get out from under it. For a long time, I would get very anxious if I knew I had to see him. I also wanted to scratch my own eyes out every time I had to hear the slunt's name.
Those issues have gotten a lot better. Now, when I hear about them or I have to see him, it doesn't ruin my day. As far as I'm concerned, as long as my kids aren't being hurt, those two can both go eat a dick.
Maybe that should be the new, much less classy slogan for detachment - just eat a dick and go away!
as long as my kids aren't being hurt, those two can both go eat a dick.
I love it!
Am i completely detached? No, but i'm making progress. Here's how i know:
STBX and DS11 walked to my house last night. Story is DS11 wanted to take a walk but his ankle hurt and he couldn't make it back, so she asked me to drive them back to her house.
I was working in my flower bed, and was more irriated i may not get the new flowers in before it got dark than i was about seeing her or wondering why she showed up at my house in the first place.
She and OM can both "go eat a dick" for all i care!
Some things I feel now are this huge disgust at Perv's lifestyle choice, for he is thought of as a jigelow on "my side of the family" now and I am finally feeling like it was his own fault.
And yes, I feel interrupted when he shows up for his daddy daughter visits-not by DD but him, or if my messages beep and his name is there, I have a feeling of "what now?"
For Abondad, it takes a long, long time. It took me enough hurt and being hurt enough times to form scars and now I won't let them be peeled back by him. I'm on a year to a year and a half that he's gone, but just 4 months from DDay, as he managed to hide it that long. I mention that to give an idea for how long it takes and yes, I do have set backs.
I find if anything reminds me of him, or I see his belongings or pictures, I'm "done in", so to speak and have a set back. If I have to see or hear his voice I can't tolerate that, either.
I don't know if those things help, but I find that we who are left behind in the old life have more trouble moving forward because things are not new or neutral. And you're having to go to WW's place I don't think helps to detatch, for wonder of her or what will happen there?
One thing that works here is to have him do all the transportation-he f'd up, right?-and he leaves DD in the basement, which sounds awful, but is okay. She just comes up and greets me and I don't have to see him. All I hear is his car or truck, but I blare the tv/radio so I don't.
I think the more anyone can do to avoid contact, it's truly better and sooner.
As to how it feels, it reminds me of a stranger almost, or someone in school who was a bully, who I just have to get away from.
I think there is a fog we go through as BSs with regard to detatchment?
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
