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Life Sucks

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Patchy posted 5/28/2013 22:40 PM

I'm almost 44 years old and have been a nice little Christian girl my whole life. Until I was deeply betrayed. Now don't know who or what I am, but I get drunk on occasion to ease the pain when I used to have maybe one drink in an entire year. I absolutely never cussed, but after being ridiculously civil for a long time I finally cussed the OW out in an email and told her if she ever showed up at a group ride I was at (road cycling), I'd kick her ass, make sure everyone knew what an adulterous bitch she was, and trash her bike. This was after other more civil but assertive attempts to get her to back off of the group, which I live a mile away from and she lives 15 miles from. She never did back off, not from the FB group anyway, and RSVP'd for rides even though she didn't show up, and I finally decided I was done. I hate that I let her win, but I couldn't take the turmoil anymore. So, yeah, she truly is a bitch.

I can't go for a walk around my neighborhood because my second Dday happened on a walk with my husband. I can't drive my car because we sold it, partially so we could move away from all my triggers . . . yet we're still here for now. I hate driving his truck because it makes me think of him going to see her in it. I can hardly ride my bike because of fatigue issues partially related to all the stress I'm under, plus riding makes me think of her cause she rides . . all the roads I ride. Even if I don't see her, which I don't, I feel her "essence" everywhere. And the handlebar tape on my bike was put on by my husband when he borrowed my bike to do an event she was at while he was having an affair with her. (That's going to change . . . the handlebar tape, that is.)

I don't go to church anymore, partially because I can't worship, yet I used to be a worship leader. I can't pray because I don't believe God actually answers my prayers or talks to me and if he does, I've been missing it for 44 years, and not for lack of trying. My church is also a half mile from "her" house.

I hate seeing posts on FB from my cycling friends, because many of them know her and it just makes me think of her.

So, basically I have no life. I don't go to church. I don't ride or socialize with my cycling friends, or go much of anywhere and if I do I might find myself crying because I'm driving his truck, or drove past Sprouts where he saw her after they "broke it off" and decided it was time to reconnect with her.

They didn't even sleep together, or so he says and I'm 99.9999% sure I can trust . . . and I can't even imagine the torment many of you go through because your spouse did sleep with the OP. But he was supposedly "in love" with her. He kissed her and had his arms around her and held her hand and said "I love you" and snuck around to see her and private messaged her on his fake facebook account and thought about leaving me for her, after 21 years of marriage and raising two amazing daughters together.

I homeschooled my daughters until this year, so now I'm not a "teacher" anymore. I'm a writer, and have been writing more, so at least I have that to keep my mind busy. And yet here I sit, crying and venting on the internet after a shot of rum.

He loves me again. He realizes he never loved her. We're going to be okay and that part truly is great. But he kissed me a while ago and I just don't know how I'll ever be able to kiss him again without feeling his lips on hers.

LIFE SUCKS!!!! And I just had to scream it to someone.

Okay. Thanks for letting me vent. It's been a while since I did that and it just spilled out. I guess I'm done now.

AppleBlossom posted 5/28/2013 22:54 PM

From one road cyclist to another, I just wanted to commiserate on the loss of your cycling group, and understand how much that must hurt.

It is not so bad to swear and drink under these circumstances, and I know you understand that this is a long hard road.

Much strength to you.

Patchy posted 5/29/2013 00:17 AM

Thanks Apple Blossom. Hopefully we'll actually move soon and my health will get better and I can find a new group to ride with.

Are you familiar with Strava? She appeared on it recently, after never having any interest in it. Before I blocked her I commented on a ride of hers and told her ... Really? She had to be there too? Just had to give me one more reason to curl up on my closet floor? I can block her from seeing my profile, but I'll still see her lovely name when she's on the same leaderboards as me. We're moving about an hour away, but as you know, cyclist's ride everywhere, so she can show up on leaderboards in my new area too. And if she ever takes one of my QOMs from around here or there or anywhere else we might both ride in the entire state I live in, I'll get a lovely email from Strava letting me know. Ugh.

Okay, I'm done venting again. Thanks for your empathy. Take care.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 5/29/2013 07:50 AM

Hi, Patchy,

I saw your post and hope you're not offended but it made me laugh!

"almost 44 years old and have been a nice little Christian girl my whole life. Until I was deeply betrayed. Now don't know who or what I am, but I get drunk on occasion to ease the pain when I used to have maybe one drink in an entire year. I absolutely never cussed, but after being ridiculously civil for a long time I finally cussed the OW out in an email and told her if she ever showed up at a group ride I was at (road cycling), I'd kick her ass, make sure everyone knew what an adulterous bitch she was, and trash her bike."

I am 63 and almost never swore before. A few years ago my coworkers and I started going thru terrible work related age related stressors. One day another and I were trying to figure something out on the computer at work and she said "I've turned into such a bitch!" I said "Me too!!!"

Then the next year (March 2011) I found out the A, and that set me in stone. No more nice little Christian girl. All us older coworkers (we were all nice little Christian girls) had to let it out some way and we've all been cussing ever since. Actually we all were BSs at one time, only I didn't know til my DD. The only one left working with me (we're the oldest), you'd never expect to hear it out of her mouth she's so sweet, but when it comes now she lets it rip. If I think of her doing it even when I'm away, it just makes my day laughing.

She's the one who told me she cried every day for 2 years after her DD (22 years ago). And that she also worked every day without a day off just to cope with the thoughts of DD.

It has changed everything for me too, and it's been 2+ years now, and am still trying to find my place. Have found there is still new fallout too. But it is better.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 7:52 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

ItsaClimb posted 5/29/2013 09:11 AM

Just wanted to say I identified with so much of what you posted. I have been in a really bad place lately... I lost a lot of hair from stress about 3 months after D-Day (never saw THAT coming! It's growing back now thankfully) I have been hiding out at home because all fWH's cycling buddies know about the A and I am just so self-concious about it, I have been having HUGE issues with trust... and so very many things trigger me. It all just SUCKS! My life sucks...

BUT this weekend I had a good, long hard talk to myself... and I told myself that it is time I made some changes! I have to make up my mind that it is enough now, it is time to pick myself up, dust myself off and start living my life again... Of course it is WAY easier said than done and it isn't going to happen overnight unfortunately. But I can't let myself go on like this... I look in the mirror and I see a sad, scared, unhappy, old woman and I don't like it! I am going to start reclaiming my life and my marriage. It is time!

Pass posted 5/29/2013 10:06 AM

Cussing is an amazing outlet for bad feelings.

And for the record, at no time in my Baptist childhood (and atheist adulthood), have I heard of a place in the bible where it says, "Thou shalt not say 'fuck'".

Cuss on!

JustAShadow posted 5/29/2013 10:23 AM

Last Friday as I was tooling down the highway with the music on, I suddenly found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, "F**k y**!!!" multiple times. With the first one I barely realized I was doing that until I was doing it.

It did make me feel better. Although I saw my mom later in the day and she asked if I was sick because my voice was hoarse. :)

Sometimes cussing is the only help there is.

TrustGone posted 5/29/2013 13:14 PM

I live on a 10 acre farm in the country. I have literally went out into the pasture and screamed at the top of my lungs, cussed, stomped, threw tantrums. etc. The cows look at me funny, but who cares what a cow thinks. I even have one who is a sweetheart and comes up and kisses me. It's hard not to laugh when you are being loved by a cow you know. It's great therapy

JustAShadow posted 5/29/2013 13:27 PM

It's hard not to laugh when you are being loved by a cow you know. It's great therapy

Love that!

PinkJeepLady posted 5/29/2013 13:43 PM

It's so hard not to be able to enjoy what you love! Can you go on a bike trip to somewhere you have always wanted to go, maybe some different scenery would help?
I too have never been much for swearing....until I inherited my father's jeep after he passed away. He was known for his colorful language and when I get behind the wheel of my pink jeep, it's just comes out I tell you. Sometimes I feel my dad just smiling down on me as I say, "watch out you @#$% jack ass"! I just want you to know you are just fine and you still are a nice little Christian girl, no matter what comes out of your mouth!
I am surprised too, that sometimes even in a good situation, I actually do scream out, "this sucks". Is it the physical pain coming out? I don't know but I say, scream and cuss as much as you want!
Kissed by a cow? AWESOME

starmoonchild posted 5/29/2013 15:52 PM

Feeling for you right now, life changes completely after an A, and it will never be the same. There are triggers everywhere around me, in songs, movies, TV shows, and of course in him. He looks at me and I imagine them together, he touches me and I imagine him touching her, he kisses me and I imagine him kissing's hell,. really, even though he is trying so hard to make it up to me and I think it is over with the OW finally for good. But, don't believe the no sex part because that's what my FWS told me after I took him back the 1st time, and then he slowly let it out when I forced him to tell me. It can take hours of screaming and questioning before they let the whole truth out, believe me.

Brokenpetal posted 5/29/2013 17:35 PM

Patchy, I soooo feel you! I wasn't much of a Cusser either, or a drinker. I started the 180 last week, and a couple days in, my WH said " if we are going to live like this I need my own space." We have a spare bedroom, with a bed, and his dresser has been in there since an earlier separation, but he's been sleeping on the couch. My reply? That's your problem, that's not my problem. The obvious answer is for him to move out. Or sleep in the spare bedroom, duh. But I'm not solving his problems anyway, he sleeps on the couch, and he was on the couch most of the holiday weekend, and every time I had to go down the hallway to MY bedroom, I flipped him off behind his back. Immature? Yep. Felt good? Yep. No one got hurt and I felt giddy. Fuck him. This 180 is hard, so sometimes I need to lighten the load and relax, so I don't let him get to me. Flipping the bird, saying " fuck you" under my breath, very liberating. Having a couple drinks before bed? I sleep better. Fuck him.

[This message edited by Brokenpetal at 5:35 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

momofone79 posted 5/29/2013 20:21 PM

Oh, Patchy, I'm with you and the others on the "not so nice girl" thing anymore. The words I've called the OW are words I never ever thought I'd use.

I'm also a writer. I've been doing a TON of writing. None of it's related to the A or WH...what it is, though, is a fabulous escape.

I've also lost my regular exercise (due to WH not being around to watch DD for me). That's the worst, because it was such a stress reliever and it was something I really enjoyed doing. I hope I can find a way back to it, and I hope you can get cycling again!

nowiknow23 posted 5/29/2013 20:29 PM

((((Patchy)))) Oh man, I can out-cuss a longshoreman these days. And I used to be so... demure.

Patchy - I hope your move comes quickly, and I hope you are able to reclaim cycling for yourself again.

Sending you strength.

Patchy posted 6/3/2013 00:00 AM

Thanks so much for all your replies. Most of them made me laugh.

I've been doing better since the day after I wrote that. I've been pretty consumed in a new direction I'm going with my writing, which is great cause it gives me something to be excited about and "live for". But yeah, sometimes it feels good to just let it all out and say what you're thinking even when it's not pretty. I have a friend, also a good little Christian girl ... who recently found out her husband cheated on her and who also found colorful words coming out of her mouth. Another person I never thought I'd hear such words. But, damn it hurts and you just let loose sometimes.

Thanks for your supportive comments and for making me laugh. For now life doesn't suck so much. For now.

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