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I am not a freakin sex object!

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mangledmom posted 5/28/2013 23:17 PM

Back story: Hubs had 2 A's in a 8wk time period. He left us for OW#2, they shared ILYs in there whole 3-4wks together, and he lied for 2.5yrs saying they didn't sleep together. He had a serious porn habit and was diagnosed as a sex addict. He's been abusive, hateful, mean, and a liar. Baby girl had major surgery on April 17, then I had major surgery on April 30. Literally on my way home the next day from my surgery, my life fell apart, aka I discovered the truth. he was not only lying for 2.5yrs, but he has stolen THOUSANDS from his grandpa to pay for the 20ish prostitutes he had been sleeping with for the previous 8mnths!!!! needless to say, I kicked him out and HE STILL LIES!

Anyways, I work for the courts. I was in shock and asked one of the lawyers what my options were because he had asked a while ago to be my FB friend. He gave me the name of an attorney. When CPS was called, I asked him a question about it,without going into any real detail either time other than to say I like faithfulness and hubs didn't. He kept saying he would NEVER do that to me, blah, blah, bullshit....but apparently doing it to his wife is ok. Hmmm....and repeatedly. I wish I hadn't asked him, but I was just in total shock and quite honestly was terrified for my kids. I am on medical leave, so I have 0 money to get legal advise.

Anyways, he messaged me and asked how things were and if I had contacted an attorney. I said fine and yes, thanks. end of convo. Well, he waited a couple days and asked when I was returning to work, and I told him I wasn't sure yet considering daughter still wasn't walking. He said bummer, he needed something nice to look at and he needed some excitement. I told him we weren't going there, so knock it off. He apologized. I SHOULD have deleted him there, but didn't. (working on codependency stuff, so my guess is it was a fear of not being liked)

So, earlier, he messages me to apologize. I said thanks it's dropped. He then proceeds to tell me he wants me so bad. I said "YOU ARE MARRIED." Miraculously, he is getting a D...since last week when he was adding his anniversary to his FB page. He said if I added excitement to his life I wouldn't need to pay for legal fees. I was shocked, said that sounded pretty illegal, and he said he was joking. He asked if I had any tats near my p*ssy so he'd know what to expect when he tastes me the first time. I flipped the fuck out. I am NOT that kind of girl #1. I don't and never have just gone around and slept with whoever. I don't give married men my phone # and I surely would NEVER, EVER sleep with one (HELLO!!! I'm here because I was on the other side of the coin and have been MANY times!)#2 I have NO IDEA what gave him the clue I was even remotely interested in anything like that, esp with him! I haven't talked dirty, I have never reached out to him to small talk ONLY legal advice. I was in complete shock, unfriended him, then blocked him right there.

The shock is gone and now I am PISSED. I see growth in this anger though! I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I have ALWAYS attracted wanted and unwanted attention with my body. When I was about 13, I was told by a boy he could get with my body but not my face. Having such ugly messages given and those boundaries violated so young, I only felt I was worth what my body could bring. Well, ironically when I met SAWH, my thought processes had begun to change. I recognized after constantly being told I was pretty, or at least attractive (still have a hard time saying beautiful/gorgeous even though I hear it all the time). I had a rockin figure, but I was worth more than that. I was loveable, not just fuckable.

Hubs crap was a self esteem blow, but then I realized this was his issue, not mine. While he was self destructing, I was: busting my ass to lose 70lbs, working fulltime and going to school fulltime while maintaining an almost 4.0 GPA, growing from my issues, gaining healthier friendships and going way out of my comfort zone, dropping many/most of my codependency stuff, and being the best damn mom in I could. I am way more than a body. I am smart, funny, loving, supportive, compassionate, witty, loyal, faithful, a good friend, sexy, a damn good mom, and I was a good wife! I am a pretty/gorgeous yes, but I am so much more. I am the whole package. I carry myself that way and had for years.

So....I am FURIOUS! I am SICK of attracting sickos and men feeling that it is ok to talk to me that way. As soon as people heard I was separated, man the pervs came a calling. Even men I respected! I see the growth so much. I used to love the ego boost of ANY man saying I was hot, now, not so much, especially the ones that talk like that to any woman that walks by, aka fisherman looking for the one that will take the bait! I still respect sex and relationships. I still want and I deserve to be loved for real. I also deserve respect! I am NOT a freakin sex object that can be talked to however. I am a human being that deserves respect because I respect myself and dare I myself now!

Pass posted 5/29/2013 01:16 AM

Right on, MM!

You are surrounded by idiot males, and always have been. It's great that you are respecting yourself. Stay strong! There are some nice guys out there, and some day you'll meet one.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/29/2013 04:37 AM

One thing I notice in this post is that you are standing up for yourself and you can see thru the bs.


Do not answer any more fb. Also, it's possible his wife was the one on the account and was trying to see who would bite.

mangledmom posted 5/29/2013 06:47 AM

Thanks guys. I was just shocked he even went there considering there had NEVER been any of that talk. Like it went from hi and work talk at work always, to hi and how are you on FB, to messaging about my privates and screwing me, and add in the illegal proposition. I could probably have his job in a split second!

Also, I am positive it isn't his wife. I've heard stories. He actually was caught receiving oral feom a coworker in his office by a paralegal once. I have heard more than once he hates his wife and his daughter hates him. He's definitely a cocky philanderer. (and NOT anything to brag about!) He friend requestede around the same time a bunch of others did, but he rarely says anything on there ever, so he was fine. This just made my skin crawl.

And I call his type fisherman not because he was attempting to bait me per say but because he's the kind that tells you a compliment then turns to the next woman and says it. There's another one there that calls me gorgeous all the time....but the next woman that walks by gets a "well hello you." With a silly eye brow thing, and the obvious stare downs to any female. We all know them, the kind that throw out bait till thet find that one woman/girl with low enough self esteem that she drinks it up like water. Sadly, sawh admits to this tactic. When I spoke to OW she kept saying he said all the right stuff. I asked "like what?" And she proceeded to say he told her she was pretty and hot and sexy. So, thats ALL it takes to het you to fuck someone? Tell you you're pretty? Shit, I'd be screwing multiple times a day if thag was the case! Even when I liked the validation years ago, I never jumped in bed with those guys.....EVER. Guess even bavk then I understood "the game" more than I realized.

Pass posted 5/29/2013 09:30 AM

Or if you didn't understand, maybe you just had some self-respect. That stuff has cock-blocked many of these guys, I'm sure.

mangledmom posted 5/29/2013 09:44 AM

I've been accused of that often. Oh well. My sawh was only the 4th partner I'd ever had. Sex still means something to me.

mangledmom posted 5/29/2013 20:45 PM

So how does someone move beyond being looked at this way OR from attracting that?

Ashland13 posted 5/29/2013 21:02 PM

I don't know if we ever move away from it, I am thinking lately that it may be a part of life and the world and it makes me very sad.

I had an interview for some lawyers who wanted me to sign some forms and they had to do with waiving sexual harassment ruls and regulations. I would not sign the papers and I didn't accept the job. After reading some of the cases they took over the last years, I'm glad I didn't get hired there and have association with the place.

And I've been "solicited" by this guy who was a bf of mine over two decades ago but for some reason contacts me every half a year or so.

He learned of my "situation" from a friend and was "in touch" again and is married with children. I think he was working on an EA with me and probably hoping for some more, based on his language...describing how horrible his wife was/is to him but he can't leave because she is chronically ill, all the awful habits she has and so on.

He went so far as to talk about advice he was given and waived the D word in there at me and then, for the final straw, he actually spoke of possibly searching for someong "in the same mess".

So when he said that and offered me a cyber hug, I did write back a no contact letter and was utterly horrified at the position he put me in, knowing all that Perv has done.

You know, after my friend told him I am pregnant, I don't hear from him anymore again? Thank heaven, I always thought it so bizarre!

And I remember an office A that Perv used to talk a lot about after the people got caught. It never occured to me that his heightened interest should be a red flag, but he had every detail and repeated it.

Anyway...I'm sorry there are such people in the world where boundaries and respect just are not factors in their life.

And I'm sad that "physical relations" mean so little. Sure is old fashioned-sounding, huh?

mangledmom posted 5/29/2013 22:14 PM

Omg, yep, it's like a cheaters manual for philandering fisherman. He was rambling about his horrid wife. Wtf ever. But hey, I picked a SA to marry, so obviously I attract these peeps. Before though I was a fixer/codependent/overfunctioning mess, now though, screw that shit. I have 0 desire to fix anyones crap. I wasted alot of years on that only to be fucked over in the end. I have goals and dreams I am focused on acheiving, like finishing nursing school, toning my bod again, buying a home and turning it into my dream home, and getting my masters before I'm 40.....i have 10yrs! Also, I wanna get healthy and maintain that as an example for my kids. I wanna break the cycle of broken! I am just so sick of it.

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