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Housefulloflove posted 5/28/2013 23:28 PM

I *finally* put my foot down and told STBX that his visitations need to happen some place other than my home. The bi-weekly (or more) visits give him an in to my life that I just can't handle anymore. He is unremorseful, vindictive, blameshifts constantly, projects all of his faults and behavior onto me and ABSOLUTELY refuses to give any sort of apology that isn't proceeded by how his actions and decisions are all my fault. The marriage is dead and rotting but he thinks I owe him some sympathy because...I don't know..cheating isn't that bad when a great guy like him does it I guess..

I can't heal and look at that pouting face that only has sympathy for himself anymore. I can't heal and be around the man who betrayed me but has the nerve to see himself as the victim of an angry spiteful wife who dared react to his affair and confront him with his evil deeds.

And he's trying every angle to convince me of his right to spend his visitations with the kids here, from threats about money to guilt trips about how I'm hurting the kids. He even threatened to come here anyway and told me that I wasn't going to make a scene (he didn't dare test that theory though!) Now I'm the scapegoat for why he has only seen the kids once in the last 2.5 weeks. I made it clear at least a dozen times that he is free to have his children whenever he would like, he is however not free to spend that time here without an apology (something he is incapable of).

The divorce papers are in process but I need him out of my life now! Every interaction with him is so draining. Now every visitation day is filled with texts of how it's all my fault, I'm the crazy control freak, I never loved him and this is proof, he can't afford to see his kids, I'm the vindictive crazy woman hurting her kids to get back at him. etc..etc.. My kids are my world. A point he tries to use to justify his affair. So I know he's only saying that to try to hit me where he thinks it will hurt because I'm not doing what he wants. But it still drains me so much and truthfully it stings too even when I know it isn't true.

Chrysalis123 posted 5/28/2013 23:50 PM

Yes it stings. Yes, it is unfair.

But, good for you for standing up for you and your kids. They need you strong, and you need to take care of you to be strong.

Let him have his man-trum. He needs to learn tantrums will get him no where fast.

EasyDoesIt posted 5/29/2013 03:06 AM

I wonder if he thinks his blame-shifting is an original idea. Asshat. Cheaters 101

Sad in AZ posted 5/29/2013 06:20 AM

Gently, hon, you need to separate your emotions from this process. He should not be coming to your house, apology or no apology. You shouldn't be discussing ANYTHING but the D, finances & the kids. If he give you shit, you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Once you recognize that he is not the man you thought you M, life gets easier.

itainteasy posted 5/29/2013 10:29 AM

He "can't afford" to see his kids?

There are no public playgrounds where you live? I'll never understand how these people can lie, cheat, and steal themselves and time away from their families....and when they get caught they STILL think they can do whatever they want!

FTG.

hatefulnow posted 5/29/2013 10:56 AM

Keep standing up and stick to your guns. I'm proud of you!

hatefulnow posted 5/29/2013 11:04 AM

But remember it IS YOUR FAULT. His dick just accidentally fell in that vagina...over and over again. Can't you just forgive him? (You know I'm being sarcastic, right?)

dmari posted 5/29/2013 11:44 AM

You are so strong!! Keep it up!! There is absolutely NO reason for visitations to be at the house. NO NO NO!! Ridiculous. And fuck him and his lame ass excuses and bullying tactics. FUCK HIM!!

I am sending you STRENGTH to continue on. You see him for who he truly is. KNOW that everything he is spewing out at you is garbage. Hang in there! Hugs and support, dmari

Ashland13 posted 5/29/2013 13:18 PM

I'm sorry, Housefull.

That's going on here in a big way. I was going to post a similar thread.

FWIW, I work really hard not to be rattled by it and it makes Perv much more agitated. I used to get very easily riled and cry often and was bullied by DD, but neither of them have that "permission" any longer, to do that to me. Other family members did it all my life-my mother and sister as well. Life is so full of bullies.

One thing coming out of all that Perv's done is that these people don't have that ability any more. I wish that for you, Housefull. It took a long time for me and tons of research, but these are toxic people we've stepped onto the same path through life with and even if it makes them mad, we need to stand up for ourselves-as parents, as ourselves and in the name of simple right and wrong.

I'm glad you've started to decide that he shouldn't come to your house. I've taken a long time and lot of hurt to realize that with Perv too, as I struggled to keep a peace among two toxic people and myself (he and DD) and then me in the middle.

It's very hard now to see them struggle with each other, but I don't step in very often, even when Perv breaks promises, as he's doing.

One thing I do is let them play in the semi-finished basement or yard, and then DD gets to play with him "here" but I don't have to be anywhere near it. It's not for very long but helps her transition back home with less drama and tears. You don't have to be involved with their visits, you know and you don't have to reply to the rants you're getting from WH, though it's not easy.

Yes, I say things like "Sorry you feel that way" and such, so that something he did doesn't become my problem just because I noticed it or he feels like I should be awful and not him.

You certainly do not owe him anything and yes, Perv tries to rugsweet and make pretty the awful things he's done. He's even compared himself to other cheaters and said he's not like that or those people. ??

Housefulloflove posted 5/29/2013 14:15 PM

Thanks guys!

I've tried to make this stand once before but backed down after getting sick of his pity party and hoping that it would bring some peace and he'd quit. I'm slowly getting that there is no peace with a person like him. Giving in to his demands for the sake of peace is like giving in to a two year old's demands. It's only going to come back to bite me on the ass later and make it even harder to set boundaries.

After 10 years of appeasing the forever-two-year-old it's no wonder he is fighting so hard against me making completely reasonable boundaries. But I thought I was married to a functional man...it's taking me forever to get it through my skull that he isn't going to respond like a man normally would.

SadinAZ you are right, an apology shouldn't make a difference. I really only added that "out" of sorts for my own benefit I guess because I end up feeling so guilty standing up for myself (something I am working on). I knew he would rather not see his children and use me as an excuse than say a simple 2 word apology because I asked for one. The sad state of him makes me want to .