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Gains Vs. Concessions

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stronger08 posted 5/29/2013 03:58 AM

Been gathering all of my personal paperwork together in order to scan and save on a thumb drive. Its amazing at how much paperwork one gathers over the years. So I'm sorting through it and scanning what's needed and shredding the rest. Anyhow I come across a huge manila folder. The kind that has the big rubber band around it. I look inside and its my entire legal file from my D. Everything from the S agreement to the final decree and all offers in between. Thumbing through it I realized what an asshole I was in the beginning of the process. And I'm sure my attorney earned his retainer back then.

What I saw was an angry, revenge seeking, bitter man out for his pound of flesh. For years I have blamed my XWW for holding up the D. And to an extent she did. But so did I. And I have to admit that now. I did not want to give her anything except for CS. I was willing to fight her at each turn. I was fighting a losing fight per the laws of my state. It brought back conversations my attorney and I had about the law. And I remember the anger that I felt. There was no way she would get my 401K, there was no way she would get half the equity in my house, There was no way I was paying maintenance to a woman who lived a double life, who claimed she loved me while engaging in affairs. The same woman who had me arrested on false DV charges. I was a man on a mission. And I also saw the progression of my life throughout the process. Eventually after months of trying my attorney was able to calm me down and we actually sat down and made an offer she could not refuse.

And in that offer I had to concede certain things. I gave her half the 401K because according to the law she would get it anyway. I agreed to temp maintenance which expired after a year. I gave her 60% of the equity in the home. Which at the time was a 40K hit to me. But in return I took on none of her debt which was around the same 40K I paid out. She also took on the note for her car and I took the older SUV that was paid off. She also paid her own attorney fees. There was some other smaller shit like the furniture that she took. I did not want it anyways as she had tainted it with her OM. Reading through it I realized I pretty much had to give up a lot of material things. But most of that was concessions that according to the law I had to give her anyways.

Looking back I think the best thing that I gained from all of that mess was my freedom. Sure the first couple of years were tough. I had to rebuild a life. Financially it took about the same time to get myself in order as well. But with what I got from the equity in the home I was able to pay off all of my debts. I then was able to throw myself into my career and that took off like a rocket. By the time I retired last year I was making at least 50% more then the day we signed the D papers. But I was free and that was the main point of this post. She on the other hand never paid off her debts. She blew all of her money on her subsequent affairs of the month. She lived good for a few years. But now she's a working stiff living paycheck to paycheck. So my advice here is to not try and fight the system. Go with the flow and make decisions based on legal and business grounds. Take revenge off the table and think with your brain, not your heart.
After all the main goal to attain that magical freedom with all its possibilities.

Dawn58 posted 5/29/2013 04:31 AM

Dear Stronger,

Your post is most timely for me. I have started the divorce process and at some point in time, will meet for a voluntary financial conference.

It has been 6 months since Dday, so I am still very emotional and reactive. I am hurt, angry and want my pound of flesh as well. This is not the frame of mind I want to be in when I go in for the negotiations. In truth, I'd rather not even be there, just let the judge make the decision and be done with it.

The money will never heal my heart, will never undo the devastation or pain I have been through for the past few months. I don't even know that I want my freedom right now.

In truth, I wish I had the life I thought I had, I wish I was married to the man I thought I was married to.

It is so hard to not think with my heart....I have to trust my attorney's to do their job and to allow myself some time to think things through and not just do a knee jerk reaction to whatever deal is offered.

I am happy to hear that you are doing so well and that life is good for you. Gives me hope that everything will be okay.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/29/2013 04:56 AM

I have to trust my attorney's to do their job

Please do this. I tried to get my atty to do things differently, but he was right. I got some money out of the D and I have options since I have a bank account. I can also take a small vacation if I want. I can buy a small mobile home in Florida if I want to retire there.

I just wanted my WH back, but he wasn't coming back, so it's best that I am finacially ready for the next phase of my life.

SBB posted 5/29/2013 06:31 AM

Take revenge off the table and think with your brain, not your heart.

A-men brother.

Family Law is no place for justice. Its all business. Seeking vengeance legally is just adding a wing to another lawyers holiday house.

The best and fairest divorces are the ones where everyone is a little pissed off. I accepted that fact very early on. That doesn't mean lay down and take it in the rear - it means pick your battles. Work out what you can win and what you can't. Let go of the rest. Whatever 'wins' the other side has is not for any merit of their own but purely dumb luck for a legal system that is ill-equipped and frankly not designed to dole out fairness or justice in these matters.

Great post stronger. It makes me smile all over. I can do this.

movingforward13 posted 5/29/2013 09:11 AM

Such wise advice!

dmari posted 5/29/2013 11:49 AM

Thank you for sharing!! Your post is filled with insight. I will remember your post when meeting with my attorney.

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