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Long talk yesterday about wedding photos

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hobbeskat posted 5/29/2013 04:56 AM

Me and my WH had had a good few days, we went on a mini holiday and for the most part it was lovely.

I have wedding photos on FB and when we got back, someone had commented (nicely) on one. It sent me into a spiral because I now hate my wedding photos. I don't recognise the person in them- the smiling, happy, hopeful person. It feels like it happened to someone else. Our vows feel like a mockery and the OW was there, watching us take them, and she still carried on and had an affair with my husband.

I told him how I was feeling about them and thinking of deleting them all off Facebook and he became very upset. He said his first response was utter rage at himself but he went into the bathroom and calmed down as he didn't want to shout (this is great as his temper and shouting is something he needs to work on and something I've asked him to, so him going away to calm down before shouting is a step forward). When he came back he said he felt completely gutted about it.

We had a long talk. He said he wanted us to get back to the way things had been. I said they never will and the old relationship is dead now. That's the horrible reality of it. He agreed and said we need some time to grieve that. He said he is worried I want to divorce him. I said I didn't in my heart but sometimes my head wants to but I'm aware that's my trying to protect myself.

He started crying and saying, "Why did I do this to you, you didn't deserve this, I can't believe I did this, I've taken your wedding day from you". I didn't really comfort him. I hugged him but didn't disagree, he did do all those things.

He said he wants to be better, give me a better husband. That part of the conversation was good but I got drawn back into talking about the OW and what happened. But also said aloud, why am I asking questions and before I do, I want to think if I will learn anything new or if it will help. I am rehashing a bit at this point- and talking about what actually happened between them is the most difficult thing for him too. We have talked about it a lot and he has been honest with me so I think some of my going over it is picking scabs. The other issue is that I find her betrayal almost as hard to deal with me. She was my friend, she lied to me, she was at my wedding, hen night etc (partly why I hate the photos now) and I ask him for understanding when I will never get it. I know she is messed up and I am never going to get an answer. But I feel violated by her, too.

It was a good conversation that had no resolutions. I am glad he's opening up to me more. I do know he feels awful, he is incredibly remorseful and he is trying. I just don't know how to get past the whole, "the old relationship is dead" part and that my wedding photos are meaningless now. It's so sad. And we have our first anniversary in August and I am dreading it. And Valentine's Day, because this one he was in the A through.

Anyway, just a ramble.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/29/2013 07:16 AM

I can relate with the wedding photos. I cant stand to look at them anymore. I have grown to hate them as they represent lies.

I dont recognize my WH is any old pic. I actually dont like looking at any past pics.

Undone1 posted 5/29/2013 17:02 PM

hobbeskat...I am in much the same situation at 7 months out. Last week in MC, my therapist said that my asking the same questions over and over was obsessing and not helpful to our recovery. What could I learn that was new? Nothing. How does living in the past doesn't. I have been working hard to stay in the present and see my fWH for who is today and who he is becoming. Journaling and contemplation has been helpful to me as has stopping myself with I start to "go there" (the start of my spiral).

You have double betrayal, which is SUPER hard! You have two relationships to grieve over.

In my effort to stay present, I have not been thinking about my wedding or my vows. Looking at pictures would be painful! I am not ready to do that, or even go to the city where we were married, since he had sex with her there one time.

I am not going to lie...staying in today and not looking back is so freaking DIFFICULT!!! I do know that picking at the scab is not what I want to be doing. Focus on you, your emotional health and stay strong.

musiclovingmom posted 5/29/2013 17:46 PM

I am 9 months out. I still rehash old information. Not because I want to pick at the scab, but because I am still trying to understand everything. Finding out your spouse had an A is traumatic. It all seems surreal. Our brains rehash the details to help us come to terms with the reality of it. We also rehash to fill in missing details. So often, something just doesn't add up in my head - the pieces don't quite fit because some tiny, forgotten, overlooked detail is missing. I think it is both normal and healthy.
Focusing on the present has its place too. I no longer go back over old phone records or sift through old e-mails or yahoo chat transcripts or text messages. I do still check all these things occasionally for current activity.
Healing has to be done at your pace. An A is a gaping wound. If you let it scab over on top before the inside is healed, you are most likely headed for an infection. If you keep it from scabbing completely over and let it heal from the inside out, you'll always have a scar, but it won't be nearly as intrusive as that infected wound. Just my 2 cents.

TXBW68 posted 5/29/2013 17:51 PM

I took ours down about 3 weeks after he moved out. I put all of our wedding gifts, pictures, anything that reminded me of US in a box on his empty side of the closet.

When he moved back in, I made him take the box to the garage. He asked what was in it and I told him. I also told him that they will never be displayed in my house again - even though we have reconciled.

Those people don't exist anymore. Those people were not jaded, as I am now. I can't look at those pictures every time I go down my hallway.

I told him that maybe next year we could have new ones made.

((lots of hugs))

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