Me and my WH had had a good few days, we went on a mini holiday and for the most part it was lovely.
I have wedding photos on FB and when we got back, someone had commented (nicely) on one. It sent me into a spiral because I now hate my wedding photos. I don't recognise the person in them- the smiling, happy, hopeful person. It feels like it happened to someone else. Our vows feel like a mockery and the OW was there, watching us take them, and she still carried on and had an affair with my husband.
I told him how I was feeling about them and thinking of deleting them all off Facebook and he became very upset. He said his first response was utter rage at himself but he went into the bathroom and calmed down as he didn't want to shout (this is great as his temper and shouting is something he needs to work on and something I've asked him to, so him going away to calm down before shouting is a step forward). When he came back he said he felt completely gutted about it.
We had a long talk. He said he wanted us to get back to the way things had been. I said they never will and the old relationship is dead now. That's the horrible reality of it. He agreed and said we need some time to grieve that. He said he is worried I want to divorce him. I said I didn't in my heart but sometimes my head wants to but I'm aware that's my trying to protect myself.
He started crying and saying, "Why did I do this to you, you didn't deserve this, I can't believe I did this, I've taken your wedding day from you". I didn't really comfort him. I hugged him but didn't disagree, he did do all those things.
He said he wants to be better, give me a better husband. That part of the conversation was good but I got drawn back into talking about the OW and what happened. But also said aloud, why am I asking questions and before I do, I want to think if I will learn anything new or if it will help. I am rehashing a bit at this point- and talking about what actually happened between them is the most difficult thing for him too. We have talked about it a lot and he has been honest with me so I think some of my going over it is picking scabs. The other issue is that I find her betrayal almost as hard to deal with me. She was my friend, she lied to me, she was at my wedding, hen night etc (partly why I hate the photos now) and I ask him for understanding when I will never get it. I know she is messed up and I am never going to get an answer. But I feel violated by her, too.
It was a good conversation that had no resolutions. I am glad he's opening up to me more. I do know he feels awful, he is incredibly remorseful and he is trying. I just don't know how to get past the whole, "the old relationship is dead" part and that my wedding photos are meaningless now. It's so sad. And we have our first anniversary in August and I am dreading it. And Valentine's Day, because this one he was in the A through.
Anyway, just a ramble.