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Am I being too hard on him?

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Amberdawn posted 5/29/2013 05:41 AM

My WH sent inappropriate text messages and received inappropriate pictures from OW. As far as I know, that's as far as it went. For various reasons, I do kind of believe him. I hope I'm not being nieve. He said he did it because he liked how it made him feel. He has apologized profusely. I found out about 3 weeks ago. From all appearances, things are going well. However, I am very distant at times because certain things will trigger. A little over a week ago, we had sex a couple of times. Things have been going well, but I'm having a hard time feeling connected to him, because I sometimes can't this out of my mind. I know he's getting frustrated. It's also important to note that he had a PA about 11 years ago. So, of course, that's been on my mind again. However, if the inappropriate texts are as far as this new situation went, am I being too rough on him? Should I just try and forget and forgive and move on? I know he's frustrated by my lack of affection toward him.

authenticnow posted 5/29/2013 05:44 AM

Of course you should not forgive and forget and move on!

He has a history of cheating and he's getting frustrated with you? You need to heal. You need to talk this through with him and he needs to be remorseful and empathetic to your feelings.

Is he doing any work on himself? What will prevent him from cheating again?

I think you're not feeling connected to him because you haven't been allowed to safely work through your feelings. It's his job to create a safe environment for you to do this. And it's certainly his job to work on fixing himself before he expects anything from you!

Amberdawn posted 5/29/2013 05:56 AM

We are both going to MC and I have seen some change in him. What he did is considered cheating, right? It's so much harder to put things into perspective when there was no physical contact. He has not voiced his frustration. I just feel like he is at times. In fact, he's saying all the right things.

authenticnow posted 5/29/2013 06:22 AM

What he did is considered cheating, right?
IMO, yes. I wonder how he would feel if men were sending you sexual pics. Would he consider that cheating? Or if you were sending pics of yourself to other men.

He has not voiced his frustration.
Feelings and attitudes don't have to be voiced to be heard.

Like I said in my other response, he needs to make a safe environment for you to feel comfortable talking things through with him.

I'm glad you're in MC. Is he owning his shit? Is he questioning whether or not it was cheating if no PA? Are you talking about your feeling of disconnect with him because of your unresolved feelings?

It takes time, but please don't rugsweep. That never works. Sometimes we pretend things are okay because we so badly want them to be.

he's saying all the right things.
Saying and doing are quite different.

To answer your topic title, you are not being too hard on him.

libertyrocks posted 5/29/2013 10:03 AM

Any time they're taking time from YOU, it's cheating in my book. Sexually or not, emotionally is worse.

tushnurse posted 5/29/2013 10:11 AM

No you are not being too hard on him. I would be very concerned about him, he clearly has weak boundaries. Anything that they do that requires hiding, lying, or ommission of truth is cheating. PA/EA it doesn't matter.

As Authenicnow said rugsweeping does not help. He needs to deal with the why's of this and his past PA. If not you will most likely be hurt again.

You need to establish clear boundaries, and requirements of behavior from him for you both to heal and get past this.

It's ok to feel a disconnect right now. He needs to understand that he broke your trust again. He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. Is he being remorseful for what he did, or is he just sorry he was caught? This is a fine line, but a big difference in so far as successful recovery.

(((and strength))))

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