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14 Months.... Need Help

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WantsToForgive posted 5/29/2013 07:30 AM

I am 14 months into R. I am having a really hard time lately holding on. My WS still occasionally see's the OM when he comes into her office to see his spouse who works in the same office. She says nothing is going on but since all of this has happened i have become so focused on every little detail of life that i am analyzing myself crazy. I turn everything into "cheating behavior or not cheating behavior".

I only have the word/actions of my WS to believe that nothing is still going on. I was lied to for a long time when my suspisions arose to the A. I have no way of knowing what is going on at her office. Only a couple of people in her department even know that things happend and if they noticed something they would tell me. I just have my imagination and the word of my WS. I mentioned a polygraph and my WS says that she needs me to trust her. While I want to trust her how can I?

Any suggestions on how to really trust my WS?

[This message edited by WantsToForgive at 7:49 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

ItsaClimb posted 5/29/2013 08:24 AM

I am working through the same feelings. I have been in such a bad, dark place in R lately and have been really digging deep. I have realised that for me, if I am to remain in this marriage I have to somehow find a way to let go of at least a good portion of the pain that surrounds the A that I am clinging to and I am also going to have to develop a level of trust in my fWH. If I can't do those two things, then frankly, this marriage is not worth anything and is only going to bring me pain.

In my sitch, fWH had his A with a co-worker and he slept over at her house twice a week for 4 months when I was led to believe he was travelling for work. He still works with this woman, although not closely now, and he still travels a LOT for work. You can imagine the trust issues I have! Every time he travels I sit at home in an insane he REALLY travelling or is he with OW or some other woman? Can I believe him? It's crazy-making.

This month he will be away a LOT and over the weekend I made myself sick (literally) with worrying about it. That was when I realised I HAVE to make a decision to trust him. I have to just QUIT the obsessing. If I cant do that I might as well walk.

fWH is honestly working SO hard on doing every single thing I ask of him. It's taken a LONG TIME, he was a SLOW learner, but I can truthfully say that now he is everything I could wish for in a fWH. Based on that, I feel that I should be able to give him at least a decent degree of trust - not blind trust like I had before D-Day, but a level of trust that allows me to feel comfortable. To help me fWH is doing things like phoning and messaging me a LOT while he is away. Last night he phoned me about 4 times during the course of the evening and the one time we chatted for an hour. He sent me a photo of his room service meal, supposedly to show me the food, but I think part of it was to reassure me that he was in the hotel and alone in his room. Things like that put my mind at rest.

So what I am (long-windedly!) trying to say is that I think that provided the fWS is working REALLY hard and is showing the BS by their actions that they are committed to R, then I think it is up to the BS to offer a degree of trust. I think the BS has to do this for their own sanity and to bring a level of peace to the relationship. That being said, I feel that the fWS should understand that trust does not come easily to a BS and they should do what they can to reassure the BS.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 8:26 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

trynhard posted 5/29/2013 08:25 AM


My thoughts… I know you want to forgive... but a WS should act in a certain way. If not, you are not going to be at peace.

One of the hardest things to do after such an offense is deciding to reconcile. You need to decide again, that is ok. Both you and your wife should now have a goal of filling every need of each other and living a much better life. If one is not, then make a decision to reach for peace. And this is a process and does not need to be an ultimatum at this point. You can let her decide and see what she will do. Then make the final choice. This is about you.

See, you can only change YOU. Others may want to change but don’t have the Willingness to change. Willingness is a key word. Many people want, but cannot because they have no willingness. Maybe the same can be said about some of us who were BS. Our own willingness to get to peace.

Sometimes we let fear rule us. A man has courage and does not fear the consequences no matter if they stay married or not. Like I said, this is about you now. Your inabilities to trust will always bringing you fear. Eliminate it. Trust is earned by the willingness of what you wife will do or not do. Then you can make the choice to trust.. and feel trust feelings.

You can live your life wanting peace or have a willingness to get it.

Strong is attractive. Your woman wants an attractive man. Be that man.

Willingness… Invite her to take the polygraph then make her do it. It will ease your mind. It will be peace. She might say yes in hopes you will believe her and not do it. Don’t accept, “You need to trust me” She must prove it and be willing to prove it. . She must be willing. If she says no, you have your answer. Make a new life with courage... She is not worthy to have a man like you.

“honey, I don’t feel safe with OM working so close to you. You can certainly understand given what has happened. It’s up to you to decide what you need to do. Me, I am NOT going to be in a place where I once was… naive. Finding a new job is up to you.”

Then give her time. Say these things in strength. Say these things and do not get rattled but matter of fact. Not in any anger at all. This is not a debate.. this is what you believe will help you trust.

One key thing we all must change after infidelity is to learn how to be more intimate. As tough as things are to say sometimes this is attractive and intimate.

I wish you peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:35 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

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