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Telling the other spouse?

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getting_stronger posted 5/29/2013 07:47 AM

Do you let them know if its nothing more than the start of an emotional affair? There is 4 hour distance between my spouse and the OW. I don't know her (former classmate) but I did find her and who I think is her husband.

400+ text messages between them yesterday, a few hours worth of phone calls. He says our marriage is over. But that they are just friends- she's someone to talk to. I've been down this road before, unfortunately. But this is my first time dealing with another BS.

fourever posted 5/29/2013 08:17 AM

You absolutely let him know. Today!
I can't believe your wh would say that to you. 400 texts! Good grief!

If this is yet another go around with your wh, pull out the rules right now!
If he said the marriage is over, I would at this time, call his bluff. Right after I open and fund a bank account in my name, see an attorney to check on my rights and options, then kick him to the curb with his stuff and some garbage bags for packing. If he's going to come around and fly right, this may do it. Good luck.

Skan posted 5/29/2013 09:33 AM

Yes, you tell the other BS. Also provide them proof. They need to know what their WH is up to so they can take appropriate action. EA/PA, it's all alienation of the affection and emotions that belong to your spouse.

I agree with four_ever. He's telling you that the marriage is over? Fine. Start acting that way. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are for SS, CS, property, etc. File. Set-up your own bank account and transfer 1/2 of the money. Cancel all of your joint credit cards and set-up one in your name only. Start dividing up the household goods, kick him out of your bedroom, and detatch. And go find a counciler to talk to, if you need to. I think it would be greatly helpful.

As you've said, you've been down this road before. Please don't watch the same-ole scenery. Choose a different road. (((hugs)))

tushnurse posted 5/29/2013 10:14 AM

Absolutely you tell the other spouse. This is inexcusable behavior.

I would also second and third what others have said. He's obviously wanting to cakeeat. Stop that stuff right now.

((((and strength))))

1Faith posted 5/29/2013 12:57 PM


Wouldn't you want them to tell you? It also outs the affair.

The other spouse can then be looking out for signs if the A is still happening.

Be as gentle as you can but tell. Look him up on Facebook or LinkedIn.

Happydays posted 5/30/2013 01:04 AM

Tell the other spouse. There will be another set of eyes on the whole A business.
400 texts seems to be a plan in the making.

getting_stronger posted 5/30/2013 07:16 AM

I sent him a Facebook message. I'm not even sure if I have the right guy or not, but I hope so. I just asked him to contact me if his number was xxx-xxxx. So we will see how it goes.

My BS will be so pissed at me and this might kill any chance we have at reconciliation but at this point I don't care. After spending 2 hours on the phone last night, and finding out he was texting her the entire time, I'm done. I don't care if we reconcile.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/30/2013 07:35 AM


Good for you contacting the OW BH! This is not your secret to keep. The 2 of them are hurting others and, from the sound of it, they don't care. Maybe OW will care once her BH knows and confronts her.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same situation as you. My WH is/was having an EA with a woman he met on the road. They text each other almost every day. After D-Day, even though I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he refused to stop. After 6 months of that I moved out. I also contacted the OW maybe BF via Facebook; he never responded. I also contacted her, left a voice mail and never heard from her. I wasn't mean, just said that I thought it was time me and her had a discussion about her "friendship" with my husband! Through the grapevine I heard that she called WH and told him to never contact her again. Hmmm...she didn't realize she was the OW!

Get ready for a rough and tough road. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Gather as much information as you can so you have the proof you need to convince OW BH!

Sorry you found your way to this site but you couldn't have found a better one! Everyone on here is great! The advice is awesome and the support is even better.

Take care!!!

getting_stronger posted 5/30/2013 13:38 PM

He responded saying I had the right person. So I told him that our spouses had been conversing now for 3 weeks and its been almost non stop this entire week. I told him I wasn't sure what they were saying, as I could only look at the number of text messages and the length of phone calls. But that anyone didn't need to talk to someone that much unless it was their spouse.

We'll see what happens. I'm sure I will get a nasty text or call from my WH. I don't care though.

confused615 posted 5/30/2013 13:40 PM

if your WH is NC with the OW,then she won't be able to contact him and tell him you told her BH.

Ask the BH to call you,just to verify that it is him you are talking to on facebook,and not his wife. Since OW knows you know about the A,chances are high that she's been watching her BH's facebook,cell,and email account,waiting for you to communicate with him so she can intercept it.

getting_stronger posted 5/30/2013 15:26 PM

Well, WH just asked me what I said to her husband and I told him probably nothing- that she probably intercepted the message and he doesn't know anything. He said no, that he knows and now i let her walk into a very volatile situation.

So volatile that she's already had time to tell my WH about it??

Themusicdied posted 5/30/2013 15:33 PM

Classic blameshifting. YOU let her walk into a volatile situation?

I put the blame squarely on your WH and his OW.

Time to set your NC boundary now....

getting_stronger posted 5/30/2013 17:12 PM

And now her BS responded and acts like its all innocent. That his wife has several classmates she is in contact with, and her biggest problem is over sharing. He honestly sees nothing wrong with it and unless they go missing for more than a day, he sees no cause for concern. Ugh.

1Faith posted 5/30/2013 17:48 PM

Provide him with the proof you have and do it now. He needs to be shocked into reality. Sorry if this sounds harsh but if he is in denial and she feels she is getting away with it she will continue to go after your H.

They might take it underground but they will think they are smart enough to continue to get away with it.

DENIAL = it's a terrible thing.

Good luck. Proud of you for trying.

1Faith posted 5/30/2013 17:51 PM


He wants YOU to feel sorry for HER bc of a volatile situation that THEY created? Pfff...

They should of thought of that before they exchange 400+ text.

OW is also probably lying to your H about her true situation. They always portray their situation to benefit the justification of the A. Helps ease the guilty conscience.

You stated your H said your marriage is over. Is he still in your home? Any remorse?

Stay strong. So very sorry he is being so selfish to you.

Keep moving. We are here.

Happydays posted 5/30/2013 20:25 PM

Provide him with the proof you have and do it now.

This ^^^^^

Beautifulmom posted 5/30/2013 20:47 PM

Yes. Tell him. Or, if you feel bad for him, contact her and tell her to tell her husband or you will. I would think it is nicer to hear from your WS than from a stranger. This was what I did twice, forced her hand so she would have to tell her BS. I was friends with him and knew it would be better. However, she was too stupid and told him that I forced her to tell. Anyway., wouldn't you want to know?

rivenheart posted 5/30/2013 20:58 PM

Are you sure the reply is from him and not her?

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/31/2013 08:18 AM

He says our marriage is over...

LOL. You'd better tell your husband not to count his chickens just yet - apparently his 'girlfriend' isn't near ready to leave her husband yet, because she's managed to make him think her contact with your husband has been all innocent.

Apparently, your husband isn't worth leaving her husband for.

Make sure to rub that in his face REAL good.

He said no, that he knows and now i let her walk into a very volatile situation.

Well of COURSE it's your fault. Her choosing to cross the line with your husband - with all those texts and phone calls and all the sneakiness the two have enageged in - is all YOUR doing. And thanks to YOU, an innocent woman has been put into a volatile situation.

What the hell COLOR is the air on your husband's planet?

Wishing you lots of strength as you battle this mess you didn't deserve to have dumped on your doorstep.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:20 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/31/2013 08:26 AM

I think you are communicating with OW and not with her spouse. She is pulling a fast one on you to get you to go away. Can you find out where he works and contact him there? Send a registered letter to his home or work address so that only he can sign for it?

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