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Newest Member: Dilbert (46033)

User Topic: Telling the other spouse?
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you let them know if its nothing more than the start of an emotional affair? There is 4 hour distance between my spouse and the OW. I don't know her (former classmate) but I did find her and who I think is her husband.

400+ text messages between them yesterday, a few hours worth of phone calls. He says our marriage is over. But that they are just friends- she's someone to talk to. I've been down this road before, unfortunately. But this is my first time dealing with another BS.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely let him know. Today!
I can't believe your wh would say that to you. 400 texts! Good grief!

If this is yet another go around with your wh, pull out the rules right now!
If he said the marriage is over, I would at this time, call his bluff. Right after I open and fund a bank account in my name, see an attorney to check on my rights and options, then kick him to the curb with his stuff and some garbage bags for packing. If he's going to come around and fly right, this may do it. Good luck.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 907 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you tell the other BS. Also provide them proof. They need to know what their WH is up to so they can take appropriate action. EA/PA, it's all alienation of the affection and emotions that belong to your spouse.

I agree with four_ever. He's telling you that the marriage is over? Fine. Start acting that way. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are for SS, CS, property, etc. File. Set-up your own bank account and transfer 1/2 of the money. Cancel all of your joint credit cards and set-up one in your name only. Start dividing up the household goods, kick him out of your bedroom, and detatch. And go find a counciler to talk to, if you need to. I think it would be greatly helpful.

As you've said, you've been down this road before. Please don't watch the same-ole scenery. Choose a different road. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5236 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely you tell the other spouse. This is inexcusable behavior.

I would also second and third what others have said. He's obviously wanting to cakeeat. Stop that stuff right now.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8893 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES YES YES

Wouldn't you want them to tell you? It also outs the affair.

The other spouse can then be looking out for signs if the A is still happening.

Be as gentle as you can but tell. Look him up on Facebook or LinkedIn.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Happydays
♂ 38681
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell the other spouse. There will be another set of eyes on the whole A business.
400 texts seems to be a plan in the making.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent him a Facebook message. I'm not even sure if I have the right guy or not, but I hope so. I just asked him to contact me if his number was xxx-xxxx. So we will see how it goes.


My BS will be so pissed at me and this might kill any chance we have at reconciliation but at this point I don't care. After spending 2 hours on the phone last night, and finding out he was texting her the entire time, I'm done. I don't care if we reconcile.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
stilltrying2025
♀ 39145
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((getting_stronger)))

Good for you contacting the OW BH! This is not your secret to keep. The 2 of them are hurting others and, from the sound of it, they don't care. Maybe OW will care once her BH knows and confronts her.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same situation as you. My WH is/was having an EA with a woman he met on the road. They text each other almost every day. After D-Day, even though I told him I was uncomfortable with it, he refused to stop. After 6 months of that I moved out. I also contacted the OW maybe BF via Facebook; he never responded. I also contacted her, left a voice mail and never heard from her. I wasn't mean, just said that I thought it was time me and her had a discussion about her "friendship" with my husband! Through the grapevine I heard that she called WH and told him to never contact her again. Hmmm...she didn't realize she was the OW!

Get ready for a rough and tough road. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Gather as much information as you can so you have the proof you need to convince OW BH!

Sorry you found your way to this site but you couldn't have found a better one! Everyone on here is great! The advice is awesome and the support is even better.

Take care!!!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He responded saying I had the right person. So I told him that our spouses had been conversing now for 3 weeks and its been almost non stop this entire week. I told him I wasn't sure what they were saying, as I could only look at the number of text messages and the length of phone calls. But that anyone didn't need to talk to someone that much unless it was their spouse.

We'll see what happens. I'm sure I will get a nasty text or call from my WH. I don't care though.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if your WH is NC with the OW,then she won't be able to contact him and tell him you told her BH.

Ask the BH to call you,just to verify that it is him you are talking to on facebook,and not his wife. Since OW knows you know about the A,chances are high that she's been watching her BH's facebook,cell,and email account,waiting for you to communicate with him so she can intercept it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, WH just asked me what I said to her husband and I told him probably nothing- that she probably intercepted the message and he doesn't know anything. He said no, that he knows and now i let her walk into a very volatile situation.

So volatile that she's already had time to tell my WH about it??


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Themusicdied
♀ 29502
Member # 29502
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Classic blameshifting. YOU let her walk into a volatile situation?

I put the blame squarely on your WH and his OW.

Time to set your NC boundary now....


BW 53
FWH 54
Married 27 years
DD#1 Oct 2009 PA
DD# 2 Sept 2010 EA continued with same OW
R begins again
Update 7/2012 R going well but
I'll never forget the day the music died

Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2010
getting_stronger
♀ 32858
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now her BS responded and acts like its all innocent. That his wife has several classmates she is in contact with, and her biggest problem is over sharing. He honestly sees nothing wrong with it and unless they go missing for more than a day, he sees no cause for concern. Ugh.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Provide him with the proof you have and do it now. He needs to be shocked into reality. Sorry if this sounds harsh but if he is in denial and she feels she is getting away with it she will continue to go after your H.

They might take it underground but they will think they are smart enough to continue to get away with it.

DENIAL = it's a terrible thing.

Good luck. Proud of you for trying.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS

He wants YOU to feel sorry for HER bc of a volatile situation that THEY created? Pfff...

They should of thought of that before they exchange 400+ text.

OW is also probably lying to your H about her true situation. They always portray their situation to benefit the justification of the A. Helps ease the guilty conscience.

You stated your H said your marriage is over. Is he still in your home? Any remorse?

Stay strong. So very sorry he is being so selfish to you.

Keep moving. We are here.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
Happydays
♂ 38681
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Provide him with the proof you have and do it now.

This ^^^^^


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Beautifulmom
♀ 37611
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Tell him. Or, if you feel bad for him, contact her and tell her to tell her husband or you will. I would think it is nicer to hear from your WS than from a stranger. This was what I did twice, forced her hand so she would have to tell her BS. I was friends with him and knew it would be better. However, she was too stupid and told him that I forced her to tell. Anyway., wouldn't you want to know?


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 71 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
rivenheart
♀ 13838
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure the reply is from him and not her?


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says our marriage is over...

LOL. You'd better tell your husband not to count his chickens just yet - apparently his 'girlfriend' isn't near ready to leave her husband yet, because she's managed to make him think her contact with your husband has been all innocent.

Apparently, your husband isn't worth leaving her husband for.

Make sure to rub that in his face REAL good.

He said no, that he knows and now i let her walk into a very volatile situation.

Well of COURSE it's your fault. Her choosing to cross the line with your husband - with all those texts and phone calls and all the sneakiness the two have enageged in - is all YOUR doing. And thanks to YOU, an innocent woman has been put into a volatile situation.

What the hell COLOR is the air on your husband's planet?

Wishing you lots of strength as you battle this mess you didn't deserve to have dumped on your doorstep.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:20 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ 35507
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are communicating with OW and not with her spouse. She is pulling a fast one on you to get you to go away. Can you find out where he works and contact him there? Send a registered letter to his home or work address so that only he can sign for it?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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