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Does anyone else hear from their (F)WS's that dealing with post-A material is hard for them too? How do you handle it? Do you focus on yourself or both of you?

Yes, it is tremendously hard for my FWH. He knows that he messed up very badly and has had a hard time coming to terms with the destruction, to all of us. He feels like he ruined our lives. Being the perfectionistic type, a screw-up of this proportion is very difficult for him to deal with.

He hates himself a lot of the time, which isn't really helpful. When I need to talk about the A, to him it is like rubbing salt in the wound. But I need to talk some times and he knows it. He makes the effort to do it and has frankly had mixed results. But he continues to try, as do I.

In the early days, this makes R difficult. I was not really capable of having much sympathy for him and his feelings. I do better now, but am still sometimes resentful. This should be all about me, right? I am the aggrieved party. But the truth of the matter is, when you are in a relationship, if you want it to work, you each have to consider the other's feelings, even if you have a problem with those feelings.

I woud say that it is good that your (F)WS is sharing these feelings with you, as long as it is not in a "I can't deal with this, it is too hard" sort of way. Maybe the best way to explain it is you have to focus on whoever is having the roughest time at the moment--and it will vary, depending on the day. Early on, it is certainly the BS, but after some time, the WS deserves some consideration also, assuming he is doing the work. If, after a period of time, you find you are averaging out so you each get about the same amount of focus, you are probably where you need to be.

You each will need to hold the other up. R is a long, tough road, which can only be travelled together.

I believe it is hard for them too - but in a different way. We are shattered because our lives aren't what we thought. IMO, the remorseful WSs have to face what they've done to the people who love them the most - spouses and kids. It's very hard to look yourself in the mirror and truly admit that you messed up. Most humans do not want to admit their mistakes because it's uncomfortable to be "wrong".

Per my H, it was harder for him to R than to stay separated for this very reason. We were already in a routine for CS and visitation. Our separation had become civilized. I was ready to divorce him and was ok with that decision. According to him, he was 1 step away from total freedom, which to him by that time meant sitting in his tiny apartment night after night, waiting for the next visitation. He had already cut ties with OW4 and most of the bad influences in his life. He tells me it would have been easy - not happy - just easy to continue down that path alone just existing while watching me/boys become happy again.

He says it was much harder to have to face me and the boys and admit he screwed up. He says it's hard to watch me cry, knowing he is the cause of my pain. He says it's hard when our oldest gets upset and pops off about Dad leaving him.

BUT - he also says it's worth it in the end because we are the most important people in his life and he wants to make this right.

I try to remember all of that when I get upset. His LL is Words of Affirmation. I try to make sure I tell him how happy I am that we are back together, how proud I am of his progress as a remorseful spouse, etc. I hope that as he is helping me get through this, I am also helping him. The boys and I will never forget what he did but we can forgive him and have a happy life together.

A truly remorseful WS will find dealing with post-A material to be extremely hard because they are finally facing the full weight of what they've done...basically tossing a nuclear bomb on their marriage.

When my FWW finally came out of the fog and confessed...she felt both relief because she felt like she didn't have to lie to me anymore, but the freight train hit her. The hardest part of all this for her has been realizing just how painful this was for me, but also trying to forgive herself.

It is not uncommon for WS to fall into depression after confession and not just because they may be experiencing withdrawal. It's part of the healing process and, honestly, it is what a BS wants to see because it shows that the WS really does feel incredibly sorry for what they've done and is beginning to fully comprehend just how much their actions impacted the M.

I know this may sound incredibly hard...and it is...but what I did was try to emphatize with her. The MC and reading His Needs, Her Needs really helped. I've also been told that After The Affair is a good book to try and understand what the WS is going through post-confession.

What you don't want is for the depression to disrupt the healing process or for the depression to lead to the both of you growing even further apart.

R is all about taking measured, active steps to draw closer to one another. Use every opportunity you can to do this.

There's a difference between it being hard for them..and wallowing in self pity.

My WH is swimming in a pity pool.

I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of empathy yet. It's hard? Yeah, what the hell did you expect? In my case, I'd spent almost 12 years letting my wife know secrets that I didn't tell anyone, made myself vulnerable, told her how infidelity had destroyed my childhood, my first marriage - we had talks about how I hated cheating all the time. It got to the point where I was tired of trying to convince her how bad it was, and just asked her for one thing - one - that she would divorce me before cheating on me. She promised. Her affair fucking blindsided and destroyed me. It's hard? What the hell did they expect, that they could run around and act single, put our families, careers, emotional and physical health at risk and there wouldn't be any consequences? That we'd sit around someday and laugh about that time when they were sleeping around while we were at work bragging about our family? Of course it's hard. Instead of bitching about how hard it is how about taking responsibility for their actions and doing something about it? This isn't a damn game here - people get killed in affairs, STD's, children's lives get ruined. I saw my mom get beat to a pulp by the BS of one of her AP's when I was a kid. I'm sorry if I offend anyone, and I'm sure it sucks to be the one to point the gun, pull the trigger, and then be surprised when it goes off and hits the person they are supposed to love in the chest - but it really sucks to be the one who is shot. You could have prevented that by listening to others and making sure the gun wasn't loaded - the person getting shot doesn't have that luxury.

For the record, I love my wife to death, and I'm doing everything I can to R. It it ever gets too hard or not worth it, she still has options.

[This message edited by Tred at 11:20 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I'm having a hard time with empathy too. After having experienced 4 DDays I'm just having trouble trying to recover myself let alone worry about how WH is feeling. I'm not there yet I guess. His depression, silence, or moodiness usually just triggers me as that is how he acted during the A. It is hard for me to be around him when he is like that.

My WH has a hard time talking about it. He claims its hard for him too. I feel like its rugsweeping.

This thread is interesting.

Tred,

EXACTLY! Well said, I might need to print that out and hang it up.

It might start a conversation this evening, "what did you expect?"

I don't know if I have empathy or that I need to have it, but I will say I can see that WH has a lot to deal with. I am sure it isn't "easy" for him, but he did chose this. I don't do anything to make it "easier", but I do acknowledge that it's tough for him. I also reassure him that admitting his cheating and trying to R is a brave thing to do. I have always admired people who stand up and take the consequences for their actions and work to rebuild their lives.

I agree with being very careful not to join in their "pity parties" though. Hell yes this is hard work, but "what did they expect" is exactly right?

At the end of the day, if they are choosing to R then it is better than them running. Yes, they choose to have the A...but they also are choosing to R.

I'm not condoning their actions in any way or trying to belittle anyone's experiences, but when stating...

Fact: They chose to have an A

Don't forget...

Fact: They are choosing to R.

[This message edited by Grimwyrm at 2:16 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

I really struggle with this one. My WH says he knows it's hard for me to remember but he has feelings too! No shit! Was he thinking about my feelings when he was out fucking all those hookers? I really don't think so! I don't really care about his feelings right now. I don't know if my feelings are ever going to be sensitive to his "needs" again.

I know he feels awful about this catastrophe he has created & I have forgiven him. But, I'm a long, long way from being able to empathize. I just can't go there yet.

The worst part of R is having to process your own trauma while staying close to, supporting and being supported by the person who caused the trauma.

You're under no obligation to put your pain aside to be his therapist/cheerleader, or even to feel sympathy, but if you want to R you have to see and acknowledge that your WS is more than just a villain- it IS hard to look at yourself in the mirror after such a colossal f'up as an A, face the bad parts of yourself and then change them to become a better person. And it is hard to see the results of your selfishness and stupidity (your case, this would be the pain he caused you.)

I'm not saying the man deserves a gold star or a pat on the back, but R is "hard" for both parties.

Reconciliation, in our case, wouldn't have been possible had my husband not put my needs first. He never once said it was hard for him. He just continually said he was sorry. The only thing that he said was "hard" was living with the fact that he had destroyed me and that the pain wouldn't go away. He used to pray aloud that God would put the pain on him for a while...and I think God did a few times!

What Tred said...Amen, Amen.

While I would not want to trade places with JM for anything in the world there were also many days when I frankly couldn't care less that he was hurting too. On those days I wanted to tell him to find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

Thankfully, those days are very rare now.