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Newest Member: Findinghope101 (61130)

User Topic: The dreaded guessing game
♂ 38333
Member # 38333
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Four months out from D-Day: I find myself playing the guessing game as to how I may have been able to prevent the affair. One of the things that WS found tremendously hurtful was the amount of time that it took me to propose to her (almost a decade). She had wanted to get married probably after the first two years, but we had conflicting views about the significance of marriage in general. Her brother became engaged after being with his wife for less than a year, and this was devastating for my WS, as we had been together unmarried almost 10 years by that time. She felt that I should have known that I wanted to be married to her in the same timeframe that it took her brother to know.

What makes it more excrutiating for me is that I had planned on proposing to my WS around the time that her brother proposed, but I did not have an established plan and certainly did not expect her brother to get involved with and propose to a woman so quickly.

I know that none of this justifies an affair, but I wonder if having proposed sooner would have reduced the vulnerability of it. I took my time in proposing based on my own belief system at the time. If anything, she had the upper hand prior to marriage. She owned the house exclusively and could have thrown me out at anytime. It's just that our relationship was so seemingly secure that dealing with something like an affair never entered my mind.

All of this means nothing, as it won't change the past. It's just my way of tourturing myself.

Absolutely destroyed.

08/13/1999: met
09/11/1999: started dating
03/2003: moved in together
06/05/2009: engaged
08/21/2010: married
01/24/2013: found out (affair started 05/2009)

Me: BS
WW: pizzalover

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to tell you something you probably have been told many times.

She is a grown woman who makes her own choices. If she was not happy with the state of the relationship she should have told you or broken up. PERIOD.

You had to do what you felt you needed to do, and if you weren't ready for marriage then you should have not been forced into it. If she could not accept that again she should have broken up.

You loved her and trusted her clearly. If she needed a paper and ring to make her feel secure then she had issues from day 1.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13172 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


how I may have been able to prevent the affair.

Gently - you are not that powerful. She had an A as a poor coping mechanism. You are NOT responsible for her ability to cope with her problems.

She felt that I should have known that I wanted to be married to her in the same timeframe that it took her brother to know.

Sorry, but WTF??? Instead of somehow relying on 'mystical reasoning', how about some real COMMUNICATION?????

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please stop second guessing yourself. Maybe you two could communicate better, that would be something to work on together. That would NOT be a 'reason' for having an A.


Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 23, 23, 19
M: 28 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 33
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 6290 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have thought the same thoughts. The OM actually kept saying to her "its not like you are married". What if we were married? Would it have changed anything? Probably not.

What ifs are torturous and not productive at all. I am sorry you are stuck there. If you can try to keep the focus in today.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If being unmarried was a problem for her, she had the option of communicating it clearly then, if your response was not to her liking, breaking up and moving on.

Having an affair is not really a good way to elicit a marriage proposal, is it?

Your SO's infidelity is hers to own. Life is hard enough WITHOUT assuming responsibility for others' actions.

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.... Dude it sounds like you just got run over by the "Second Guess Yourself Bus".....

What you're doing is participating in a circular firing squad....

I can relate to what you're saying because I was in a relationship where the ex expected me to be a mind and mood reader.... If I didn't read her mind or mood just right it was my fault... When I had a problem, I spoke up... When she had a problem she had an A with our yard guy....

You can't part the Red Sea... You can't change what she did... You couldn't have prevented what she's done...

Be strong and remember...

You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
You don't mess around with mpb1974


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

Posts: 6054 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
♂ 35603
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to echo what was said by some of the others. If she was hurt or in pain from your not proposing, she could have opened her mouth and told you. She didn't have a problem opening her mouth to lie to you or whisper sweet nothings to POSOM or pretend she was his wife's friend. Opening her mouth was no problem then, so her not opening her mouth to tell you how she's feeling is on her.

Posts: 154 | Registered: May 2012
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT. I wish I could have evoked something in my W that would have prevented her A, but that's 'it' in a nutshell - only she could have prevented her A.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPB, my dear, you are playing the "what if" game with yourself.

It's not your fault and there was NOTHING you could do to prevent this. Please believe this.

I thought the same, if we didn't have a child, if I didn't breastfeed, if I didn't co-sleep with my baby, if I didn't have job that required me to be gone 12 hours a day, what if...what if...

I know, it's hard and you desperately want to make sense of everything. But, in your WS's mind, 2+2=orange. She was broken and it had nothing to do with you. You're awesome, you didn't cheat.

I still torture myself and I'm 7 month out...if that's any consolation...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:55 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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