"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Ashland13 posted 5/29/2013 13:38 PM

We have arrived at a stage that I hear is common, where Perv is breaking promises to DD but rug-sweeping them. It is me that is left cleaning up the mess when she comes home and learns of another of these broken promises or changes he's making. He tries to say "she's fine with it", but she has evident hurt.

He gets annoyed at my vocabulary and wants me to edit and use pretty words for hurtful and difficult things. But I'm not that way.

My trouble or problem with it lately is that he is trying to say that I do the same thing! For instance, I take college classes when I can scrape up money for them. There is a meeting coming up that he is going to watch DD for me while I go. (Note: if I did not ask him, he would rant and this has happened in the past, when I tried to do something and needed a sitter and didn't want to involve him).

Anyway...he made promises to DD to take her to family functions on "his side" and is breaking them. He is also trying to say that my going to this class (one meeting) is the same thing?

How can it be the same thing when I didn't promise anything to DD and in fact, they are getting an extra visit? It would have just been a regular after-school day. I turned it around and thanked him for reminding me of the extra visit I gave them and didn't let him get to me this time, but it's still in my head.

I'm finally at the point where it's more of a head-scratcher for me when he does this, but even with his bizarre thinking I don't know how he could think it's remotely the same?

I understand the tactics and psychology, luckily, but when it actually happens, it's still amazing. Guess I'm just looking for validation and to share the story.

nowiknow23 posted 5/29/2013 13:42 PM

but even with his bizarre thinking I don't know how he could think it's remotely the same?

Those kinds of mental gymnastics are not for amateurs, Ashland. He's a trained professional. Don't try this at home.

Housefulloflove posted 5/29/2013 13:51 PM

I'm right there with you Ashland! I can relate to almost everything you post, it's like we are in a relationship with the same idiot.

I know what you mean by the shock of the totally illogical things that come out of their mouths. I know my STBX is mentally ill. I know that he will say literally anything that will deflect blame/guilt/shame/whatever off of him and somewhere else. Logic and reality aren't necessary for a narc and if it gets in the way of their point they will easily discard it.

But it's still amazing to hear (or read) the contradictions as they say it. I just want to shake my STBX sometimes.

For instance, just the other day he bought up something I said to him during his affair and told me how disrespectful it was. I was angry at the moment so instead of ignoring him like I should have, I answered him back. I told him that my words were in response to the disrespectful things he was doing in my face at the time.

His response: "We're talking about what is going on right now, not in the past."...

Ummmm..what? I tried to politely point out to him that we were both talking about events that happened at the same point in time. He immediately changed gears and went into his "this is why things are the way they are (insert my name) you keep starting drama!" argument.

I end up feeling like

Ashland13 posted 5/29/2013 15:32 PM

Hi HouseFull,

You said it!

During this "incident", Perv wanted me to know that I was disrespectful to him!!!!????

And "could have found a better word?"

Yes, I too have felt like it's interaction with someone not playing with the proverbial deck of cards.

How he can say DD is not bothered is beyond me, as daily I see and feel her grief and pain. Does he forget his contacts/glasses or is the tinting too thick?

Many of your posts have agreed with me as well, thank you for saying that. In the "beginning", his ploys and tactics used to work (maybe that would be a good saloon name?) and bring me right down to the dumps, but not so much any more...more like a bee sting that goes away pretty quickly.

Sometimes lately I snicker and am doubly glad now that I've spent the counseling time and money, so there is "professional backup" besides a plumber (attempt at humor).

His family is built of rug sweepers and it's so bad that nothing is dealt with until it's trauma, so I think for him, my way of trying to deal with problems and solve them so they don't keep coming back, is probably very odd? Some of them are really bad in his family, addictions and trouble with law.

You know, I've wondered sometimes lately that he must have had sheer exhaustion at times, to keep u pthe facade' he did for such a long time? I refuse to believe that our M and life was a sham, but I think the finances and OW caused him to crack and he couldn't hide the "habits".

It's still shocking sometimes to bear the brunt of just how nasty this man can be...this man who was so different and so many things for me for so long.

And come to think of it, he's the one who pushed me at the class before the baby comes, so I can look back and feel an accomplishment!

Guess I rambled, I think sometimes things hit me on the head when I type...does anyone else get that too?