Through out our marriage I have found things on the computer. Porn, emails, chats, pictures, etc. All of these things were explained away by him. It was a fantasy, he never physically acted on any of it.
Is he telling the truth? It became a PA only once? I can't get myself to believe it. I keep asking, he keeps saying the same thing, he only crossed the line of a PA that one time.
My friend told me yesterday that I have been sharing these things with her for years and that she does not believe he only had one affair. She was crying and she said she hopes to never love anyone the way I have loved him.
I wanted to tell her that it isn't that I love him like that, it's that I feel stuck. I mean who would want a woman that is 42 years old and has herpes. I did tell her that my WH made sure no one would ever want me again.
Sometimes I do love him and want to be with him, things seem good, but I'm always reminded of what he did to me. At a time I was already feeling so down. My son is an addict and he had OD'ed, saying he was trying to end his life. He has done this 3 times since November. At the time of my WH's A, my son was in a psych ward. I was the one feeling so alone, that I had so much to handle on my own as my WH wasn't being very nice to me. He was for the most part down right mean.
I found out he had searched CL days earlier, found her # and carried it around with him for days. He planned and plotted to cheat on me, it didn't just happen, spur of the moment kind of thing.
He has been doing everything he is supposed to do, but I find that I really don't care.
He tells me if I can't forgive him, then I need to tell him and he will leave. It's like pressure to me. How am I supposed to know at this point? It hasn't even been 2 months since I found out and I still don't know if he's telling the truth.
I am such a mess. I feel so down and depressed much of the time. I just don't know what I want.
I understand where you are coming from. Your story sounds similar to mine. I first found that my husand was looking at porn, chat rooms, escort websites right after my youngest was born. My husband swore that he was just looking and never had intentions of following through anything.
Fast forward 9 years and I found an email on his account where he was setting up a meeting with a prostitute back in late January of this year. He swore that he didn't go through it and I believed him (stupid me). It wasn't until 2 months later when I found text messages between him and some prostitute that he'd seen two days earlier. Talk about a kick in the gut, I will never forget that day for as long as I live. He still tried to lie and say it was just that one time, it was just a blow job, blah blah blah....Eventually he told me the whole truth because I kept begging him to just pull the bandaid off and tell me everything. When he did it was like my entire world ended. He'd been seeing prostitutes (he called them escorts but we all know what they are) for the last 9 years! I was absolutely devastated. We've been together since I was 17 and I'm now 42, he is all I know, who will want me now? The sick thing is I still love him deeply and almost immediately forgave him.
He has been the poster child for reconcillation and that is the only reason why I'm still with him, but I've let him know that I will not tolerate another lie. If he ever even pulls up an escort website, contacts a prostitute or looks at porn online I'm gone.
I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and I agree with your instincts. He has most likely seen more than 1 prostitute, my husband says it's like an addiction that you can't stop. They're always looking for the next high. Maybe I'm just jaded by my husband and he's only seen one, but to get herpes the first time he saw a prostitute, talk about bad luck.
Please let me tell you from experience, there is likely more to the story than what you know. I found out just today there was more to my story. Thankfully wonderful people from this forum warned me of the possibility even before I wanted to believe there was more. You take the time YOU need to figure things out. Don't make anyone pressure you into making a decision one way or another. You need to know the full story before you can fully evaluate how you feel about it and whether or not you can continue.
If you get to the point where you think you migh want to try to consider forgiving him and begin the long process of R, I would suggest he take a polygraph.
Many WS complain about them being unreliable, my opinion is that at this stage of the game - polygraphs have 1000 times the reliability and credibility of a WS.
Don't give his pressure tactics the time of day, take care of YOU.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I agree with the others who have said "just once" is unlikely.
My EXWH swore blind he had "only" cheated once but like you it was enough to make me ill.
I personally couldn't forgive him for not only cheating but for also putting my health at risk and cheating unprotected.
Sending you strength and healing vibes. I am sure your doctor will already have said to get checked for everything else too. Thinking of you.
First, I am sure there are many men out there that would want someone that is caring, loving and honest. 42 and herpes or not.
He has taken so much from you - do not let him take your self esteem too. I know it is easier said than done but stand up for yourself. He did this, he chose this awful choice and you are suffering the consequences.
His pattern of behavior makes me think it wasn't only once. You only caught him once. You have found enough to know he consistently seeks outside gratification. I doubt he has the self restraint to have only crossed that line once.
He tells me if I can't forgive him, then I need to tell him and he will leave.
This is total BS. He wants YOU to make the decision. He wants YOU to take the accountability for his actions. DO NOT DO IT. Forgiveness is earned, not demanded. You don't have to make any decisions one way or another until you are ready. Don't let him bully you into making a decision if you aren't ready. This is a tsunami of a process to recover from and it's a long process. If he can't handle the roller coaster ride then HE needs to say so. You being there right now is the best you can do and he should be grateful for that.
He needs IC and you do as well. My heart breaks for all that you have been with regarding your son. There is a lot on your plate. Please see a doctor regarding your depression. Many of us have faced depression and anxiety. It is an additional gift of the A.
Please look up the 180. Take back some of the power. Your H is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful. You deserve better.
Hang in there and know that you matter. Keep moving.
Hugs and many prayers.