I'm so mad at my WH, I found out he had an A because my dr told me I have herpes. It was in April. He said it was a prostitute he found on CL. And it was just the one time. I don't believe him. No matter how many times he tells me he is being truthful.
Through out our marriage I have found things on the computer. Porn, emails, chats, pictures, etc. All of these things were explained away by him. It was a fantasy, he never physically acted on any of it.
Is he telling the truth? It became a PA only once? I can't get myself to believe it. I keep asking, he keeps saying the same thing, he only crossed the line of a PA that one time.
My friend told me yesterday that I have been sharing these things with her for years and that she does not believe he only had one affair. She was crying and she said she hopes to never love anyone the way I have loved him.
I wanted to tell her that it isn't that I love him like that, it's that I feel stuck. I mean who would want a woman that is 42 years old and has herpes. I did tell her that my WH made sure no one would ever want me again.
Sometimes I do love him and want to be with him, things seem good, but I'm always reminded of what he did to me. At a time I was already feeling so down. My son is an addict and he had OD'ed, saying he was trying to end his life. He has done this 3 times since November. At the time of my WH's A, my son was in a psych ward. I was the one feeling so alone, that I had so much to handle on my own as my WH wasn't being very nice to me. He was for the most part down right mean.
I found out he had searched CL days earlier, found her # and carried it around with him for days. He planned and plotted to cheat on me, it didn't just happen, spur of the moment kind of thing.
He has been doing everything he is supposed to do, but I find that I really don't care.
He tells me if I can't forgive him, then I need to tell him and he will leave. It's like pressure to me. How am I supposed to know at this point? It hasn't even been 2 months since I found out and I still don't know if he's telling the truth.
I am such a mess. I feel so down and depressed much of the time. I just don't know what I want.