Hi Rocky,
I too want to thank you for posting this because i was helped by many of the responses to your post! I have to cut and paste, and put in a healing file!
When you say your emotions are keeping you in R, but also making you want to leave, i say "join the club."! I think, no, actually i am absolutely positive, that every single one of us has had the (almost) exact kind of ambivalence that you describe. So the feelings inside of us are conflicting, causing (almost unbelievable) anguish, and then on top of that are our thoughts, the logical, supposedly rational parts of us that is just so sure that we can "think" ourselves out of this mess.
Instead, we have a jumble and it's just a big mess that we just can't unravel fast enough. and so we stay in some sort of agony because we can't yet understand either emotionally or intellectually where in the world we are at. Dammit, if only we could speed up the process!!!
I obviously don't know you well enough or at all to say but maybe it's not that you don't understand your feelings, but sounds like you have so many and so many are opposite to one another that it's just plain overwhelming? That's how I experience it anyway; i don't know if you can relate.
I feel like a doormat too and i cannot believe i am willing to even TRY to work on R. And then i too realize so so much of what others have said; that it's easier to leave, that i want to grow, that i need to somehow work through this to get to "someplace" of healing because if I run, I will never actually deal with what is. It feels right to stay in R, for now, for as long as it takes. And it's agonizing. It does not feel right to leave, and then it feels so right and feels freeing, and fresh, and hopeful, and agonizing. How does one hold all that in one heart, one mind.
Yoga sounds wonderful, healing, self-nurturing and it sounds great for you!! I should do it too. I like the rock thing too; i don't know if you can just let feelings "go" like that but maybe, it's like a meditation (watch your feelings and your thoughts without reacting type of thing) and maybe it will also help you identify them like you said.
One thing that was a BIG BIG help for me is my therapist saying to me that i don't have to decide now. So yes, I'm in R, but i don't know where it will lead. There are still many unknowns about if it will work. Maybe you are Too Much in R already, and are burdened by the conflict in your mind. Maybe maybe if you give yourself permission to try R and commit yourself to R while just leaving your options open (like another poster said, gather info) you will feel a sense of empowerment as well, and maybe just enough freedom to breathe. Your Dday is recent.
I loved your post and I hope to see your posts again.
I'm so with you in this journey.
Sorry Rocky for your pain. Sounds like your moving toward good things for you.