care. This total lack of feeling on my part is somewhat frightening to me, but I'm going with it for the moment. I did not purposely try to hurt his precious feelings, I knew it was possible, but eh. I told him I had read that right at this very moment, I am faking it til I make it. I had read that feelings can follow actions. SO, while I don't have any real feelings for him (unless apathy counted as a feeling) that I am ACTING as if I am happy to have him here. OK - now that I type it out, it does sound heartless. I has only been a stinking month since his last contact and it will be a year on the 30th of May that I busted his arse, does he really think I like or love him? What does it say about me that I don't love him? I read about people who still love their ws and I wonder why I am so blah. If he got hit by a truck tomorrow, I would be sad for my children. Is it because of the contact a month ago? Did he finally eliminate any chance of reconcilliation? I remember being sad/angry when I finally figured everything out, but at no point in the last year+ have I felt love for him. I want my heart to smile when I hear his voice - I just don't know if it ever will again. Maybe it's a combination of coming up on the one year D-day along with my son graduating from college and it's just not the happy occassion for my wh and I that I always thought it would be. Maybe it's that he really and truly did break me.
