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stunnedin12 posted 5/29/2013 17:37 PM

care. This total lack of feeling on my part is somewhat frightening to me, but I'm going with it for the moment. I did not purposely try to hurt his precious feelings, I knew it was possible, but eh. I told him I had read that right at this very moment, I am faking it til I make it. I had read that feelings can follow actions. SO, while I don't have any real feelings for him (unless apathy counted as a feeling) that I am ACTING as if I am happy to have him here. OK - now that I type it out, it does sound heartless. I has only been a stinking month since his last contact and it will be a year on the 30th of May that I busted his arse, does he really think I like or love him? What does it say about me that I don't love him? I read about people who still love their ws and I wonder why I am so blah. If he got hit by a truck tomorrow, I would be sad for my children. Is it because of the contact a month ago? Did he finally eliminate any chance of reconcilliation? I remember being sad/angry when I finally figured everything out, but at no point in the last year+ have I felt love for him. I want my heart to smile when I hear his voice - I just don't know if it ever will again. Maybe it's a combination of coming up on the one year D-day along with my son graduating from college and it's just not the happy occassion for my wh and I that I always thought it would be. Maybe it's that he really and truly did break me.

hardtimesinlife posted 5/29/2013 17:52 PM

I think it is all of those things and maybe a little bit of "the plain of lethal flatness", a sometimes normal stage of the healing process. I believe it is the way our brains protect our hearts from all of this pain. I remember reading about it here on SI and people suggesting that you just enjoy the process because it might be the only peace you get while you R from infidelity.

Hugs.

still2suspicious posted 5/29/2013 18:14 PM

Only a month? And HIS feelings are hurt?? Boo-f'n-hoo!!

Take your time. You've been thru a lot.

He should be glad that at least you are acting happy. You coulda thrown his ass out the door!!

Do something good for yourself. Give yourself time. Your head and heart will eventually get in sync.

crazyblindsided posted 5/29/2013 18:22 PM

OMG I am STILL not happy and I am 15 months out from DDay.

Additional DDays/Broken NC has definitely caused me to be more guarded for sure. It may take years before I feel I can be safe with my WH.

Give yourself time. Your WH just broke NC that is HUGE and he should be suffering the consequences. It's just too damn bad that his feelings are hurt