Hi all, it's been a while. I had to take a break for a while, I found myself focusing too much on others and on their situations, and needed to really dive into my own healing. I've been around though, I've been reading, and learning, time and again.
Yesterday was the first antiversary of DDay. It was hard, really hard, but we got through it. We both took the day off work so we could be together. That was fWH's idea, he was adamant that he be there for me, every minute of the day, that we experience it together. We didn't do anything spectacular, we wandered around stores we like, we had a latte and cake, we talked when we needed to and were quiet when we needed to be. I fell apart for a while at bedtime, remembering the pain and desolation I felt, and he held me, apologized over and over and spoke of his promise and commitment to me, to him, to us.
Funny, one of the things I remember from DDay is the day after, just reading and reading here in SI, in the Library, in other posts, refreshing my post and reading the replies - it was a sort of antidote to that isolation and fear - knowing I was not alone. And so I decided to update here, not as a shining example or anything like that, but as a thanks, an acknowledgement of how much SI, and everyone here meant to me, pulled me through the worst time in my life.
So - here's where we're at - huge amounts of work behind us, huge amounts ahead. We've come miles already though. So much IC, so much MC, so many discussions and tears and rehashing, and it all still continues.
fWH is amazing, truly amazing. I had no idea he was capable of being this man. He has taken full responsibility, in fact prompts me to express my anger directly to him, to not rug-sweep anything and to place my feelings squarely on him. I get impatient about healing time and he's the one who reminds me, daily, that healing takes time, and he's in it for the long haul, that he hopes for forgiveness, he doesn't expect it. His actions match his words every day, even when it pushes him outside of his comfort zone. He's committed to bettering himself, confronting why he made the choices he made, and how to make internal changes to help him grow and become the man he wants to be. He's discovering new hobbies, taking control of his health and is going back to college in September, taking the program he's always wanted, engineering. He's a better husband, father, lover and friend than I ever knew possible. I feel fortunate, even when I hurt.
I've come a long way too. I've learned how much I had stuffed, how long and often I've hidden anything negative, and how much I've let fear of abandonment rule me. The one benefit I have discovered of being broken into little pieces is that you get to decide what pieces go back into the rebuild. If it's old crap, carried since you were a child, it can stay on the ground. I got a promotion at work, and am doing very well and loving the new position. I'm honest with people, even if it's negative. I've discovered running, and love it - my first race, a 5k is in August. I still hurt, I still get angry, I still have pretty serious self esteem issues, already a problem before the A, but really magnified now and difficult to deal with some days. But I keep going, I believe in myself. I've weathered something horrible and I am slowly coming through it, scarred, changed, but a more essential, distilled me. And I like that person, most of the time.
As some of you know, I'm incredibly fortunate that my best friend IRL is StepAside. (She's doing well, by the way, and inspiring me daily.) She hooked me up here, got me through, and I can never, ever thank her enough. I also made a great friend in Lost8594, who is also doing well, just past her first antiversary and going strong. These women, and this SI community have been a lifeline, kept me grounded, sane and moving forward.
Thank you, all of you. I'll be here, quietly, but forever grateful.
