SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I'd like to explain something about my handle. When I found out about what my wife had done, coupled with what I felt was a condescending and nonchalant attitude towards it I became a real puss-n-boots, so to speak. I cried, begged reasoned, etc to no avail. She was like 'Sorry you're hurting but I have to live my own life, be happy and be free...SO SCREW YOU!'. At least that the way I perceived things. Anyway, the attitude made me MEAN. It was all out war now. Infidelity is a contact sport so I went on the offensive. Also, to back track, OM was being a smug ass too, flaunting it in front of me. So, moving forward, I gathered up all my data and found he had a well hidden wife. Gave the info to her, with photos OM took w/o WW permission. He made a couple of secret videos too. He had my wife over his house in the bed his wife sleeps. He'd also done it at my house. NO CLASS!

Anyway, the shit hit the fan at his house and he backed way off me. (Teach him to screw my wife and get in my face afterwards). But I wasn't done by a damn site. They screwed in a public park with kids near by. I was able to get video from the surveillance cameras going up everywhere. Judge wasn't happy with either of them. I saw to it that this made the local news. He doesn't have much education but he had a good job. They canned him when it came out because it embarrassed the company. His kids are humiliated at school. He's the butt of many a joke in our small community. Of course he is the one begging now to please lay off. Like hell! Any way I could think of to torture this guy was on the table...and still is.

Now, he of course through her under the bus. Called her every kind of slut in the universe. When she tried to go to him to ride it out he assaulted her so he'll be enjoying the state correctional facility for a few years. I visited him and asked if all the fun he had with my wife that he bragged about was worth it. He could barely speak with the tears rolling down his cheeks but he started banging on the glass between us and that earned him a trip to the hole. It just keeps getting better and better.

Well, here's what's what about my handle. My WW got real humble real fast. She tried to be super wife. I was having none of it. She was gonna leave me for that prick, no problem.

Just a little back story. My childhood sucked. My father was an ok guy I guess but as a husband and father he was lousy...cheating, drugs, disrespect, etc. I use him as a negative example. If I get into a situation with my wife or the kids I ask myself what would Dad do...and do the opposite. This strategy usually served me well. I was/am a very conscientious husband and father. I lost sight of that for a while because of the A. I was HATEFUL NOW!! I persecuted my WW because I figured she was just doing things to save her ass. For months I was basically grinding my heals into her with all manner of psychological abuse. I enjoyed reducing her to tears. I'd build her up just a little then kick the legs out from under her. I'm not proud at all the way I was treating her, but at the time I couldn't see how despicable I was, only her betrayal.

I made the kids get paternity tests and I made her tell them why. When she tried to sugar coat it I was right there with the vinegar to sour things up. This kind of thing went on for months, as I said.

The epiphany came from our youngest, the 4 year old. He's a real techie. He got ahold of WW iPhone and filmed me during one of my epic tyraids. The video horrified me. What had I become. If I didn't see it I wouldn't have believed it. I was spewing venom on everyone and everything around me, toxifying the entire environment. I had to change...and QUICK! To WW credit, she hung in there with me. Most women would have left and I doubt there was a judge anywhere who wouldn't have given her custody on the spot had she pushed it. I bent her...like a pretzel...I bent her, but she didn't break. It made me proud of her and ashamed of myself at the same time. She hurt me bad, I tried to hurt her worse. I never laid hands on her, but I think she would have preferred that. As a matter of fact, based on some of our conversations, I'm sure of it.

Anyway, I got us into counseling, IC, MC, the church, etc. We are in a much better place now. I kept my handle to remind me of where I NEVER want to go again. She makes things up to me every day and I do likewise for her. I love her so much.

Wow.

As an attorney even I sometimes find it difficult to get 'on the other side of the glass' to visit a client. How did you manage to do that? Just curious. I don't know a prosecutor (or defense attorney) who would allow the person responsible for the charges to visit the accused or convicted while incarcerated unless it was agreed upon by all parties involved.

How did you do it?

And good luck to you.

I used to work at the prison and I know people. His wife asked him to let me see him. It didn't matter. Since I work for the DOC still I can make a reason to see anyone I wish. I'm that connected.

Oh, BTW, the kid are all mine. All five of them.

hmmmm okay. Thanks for the response.

I'm glad that you are re-thinking who you were on the verge of becoming. It's sad, but true, that sometimes, because of a betrayal of this nature, one can allow the understandable feelings of anguish, hurt, rage, revenge, etc., to warp your ownself into being a bitter, unrecognizible person. I'm glad that you came to that realization and are proactively guarding yourself against going down that path again!

WOW! I wish I could do all of this (or most all) to the OW. She has a great job I would love for her to lose, no spouse now after 3, but she has no problem taking my spouse for her pleasure.

I am glad you saw how you were and are working to change it.

Thanks for the votes of confidence. We are not out of the woods yet, but we're getting there. I hit the anger phase right away and I occasionally get flashes, but we do a lot of HB now, which I like...A LOT...LOL.

When I get in a rage, I have often said to my husband that one of the things I hate so much about all of this, is it made me truly hate a person. I never knew the real meaning of hate before this. Of couse I thought I did. I have had people hurt me, or make me , mad, or there have been people that I couldn't stand being around, but true hate, never. I am a kind person
usually willing to give folks a break, but I have got to tell you, I hater her with all of the fiber in my soul. I wish she was dead and I hate it that this has done that to me.
Affairs are horrible and they turn us into people that we do not want to be.

The rage is unbelievable. Kudos to your wife for withstanding your wrath. Mine was usually not directed at my cheating husband because I felt a great deal of responsiblity for making him unhappy.

Affairs are horrible things and until you have experienced one in your relationship, you don't know how damaging they are.

So glad you are posting and sharing your feelings. It is a hard thing to do, but is so healing. I hope you guys can work through this and end up with a strong marriage. I think that is all that all of us can hope for. K