Trying to rebuild each day
I haven't posted in awhile, so I apologize for the length of my post. I have tried to sit down over the last month and write what was going on or how I was feeling, since I constantly have an inner dialogue of what I want to say, but when I try to write things, they don't come out okay so I give up. Also, it is a form of running away and avoiding problems which seems to be my MO. Not wanting conflict. I can't run away anymore and appreciate the feedback that I have gotten so far on this site.
I have started with a new IC and really like her a lot. She's a clinical psychologist and we have had 3 sessions so far. I think she will be able to help me with the internal struggle I am having and with figuring out my reasons for having the A. My BS and I are continuing to see our MC once a week (it was twice a week, but since BS started with his new IC we are just going to her once a week) I have figured out a few things, not just through IC but through MC. One is that I have a need for approval from men - I'm not sure why, because growing up and during college, I had a great relationship with my dad. However in the last 8 or so years, our relationship has been nonexistent (more on that later).
My sexual behavior in college was more about trying to find and maintain a connection rather than the sex. I didn't really ever get anything out of it but pain since I am unable to orgasm. I felt connected at the time, but when I realized that I was used, I crashed down and felt a sense of shame. Obviously every time I did the same behaviors, I thought "WTF, not again" but they continued. I guess I thought that if I slept with someone, they would like me and want to be with them - that was obviously not the case - I want to smack my younger self.
One of the problems, I think, was that my parents didn't talk to me about sex. Since they avoided the issue, I had trouble making choices. I lost my virginity at 15 - he was 19. I was curious about sex at the time and, looking back, I was DEFINITELY pressured into having sex. I was sneaking around my parents back since they didn't want me to date someone as old as he was. I can remember that when my parents decided that I could date him, I didn't want to anymore. I am wondering if it was because the illicit nature of the relationship was over. This started a string of bad sexual experiences that saddled me with a lot of shame and embarrassment. And yes, I don't fail to see that this affair only caused me more shame and embarrassment and pain.
My mom said something to me the other day that scared the hell out of me - "If you and mpb1974 split up, don't jump in bed with the first person that you meet." The reason this shook me up so badly is I don't know HOW to start a relationship WITHOUT having sex right away. My BS says I should stay away from men, and he's probably right. My BS and I had sex on the first date, and due to him being ill (which I didn't know) he didn't call me back for a week, which of course spiraled me into shame that WTF, I did it again inner monologue. I don't think I know how to have a healthy relationship. There were obviously healthy aspects to my relationship with my BS but there were unhealthy ones as well. I wasn't communicating with him about how I was feeling. I held a lot inside as to not upset him. I felt I stifled a lot of things about me, since they were not things that he liked, even though he didn't ask me to do those things. I didn't tell him that how he was treating me was a deal breaker, because I didn't want to/know how to get out of our relationship. I was too attached to him and I believe vice versa. I did and do love him.
Attachment/latching on is another thing that I have been figuring out about myself. I definitely latch on to people too fast and have an extremely difficult time letting go. I obviously not only latched on EXTREMELY quickly to my AP but to his BS which I sickly considered one of my best friends. My BS and I keep talking about how I could have been her friend while fucking her H. I was able to separate them mentally while I was doing what I was doing, however I could never see them not married because I felt they fit together and had a good respectful relationship (obviously my projection onto their relationship because I now realize the absurdity of the statement My MC and IC both said that denial is a powerful thing and it can develop very quickly. I should have told my BS after the first time that it happened and should not have actively cultivated a relationship with the two of them and I should have absolutely not introduced them to my husband. I keep saying to him that I didn't know how to get out of the affair because of the feelings that I had/thought I had for my AP - I was always hoping that he would end it because I was latched on too tight. I know I am weak and a coward.
Seeing my BS's pain is excruciating. I want to help and make him better. He says that he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown - that terrifies me and I DID THIS TO HIM! I feel like throwing up. Every day is a rollercoaster and I feel that I keep putting up walls to protect myself which only hurts him more. He continues daily to ask the same questions and when I answer he tells me it's bullshit. Our MC says that he is trying to find logic in a completely illogical thing. I was completely illogical, completely selfish, and completely destructive. When I give possible reasons for the affair, he tells me that whatever my epiphany is, it will not be okay. No reason is okay. He says that the only reason that could make sense is that I didn't love him anymore and wanted to leave him for my AP - that was never the case in my mind. Each day I do and say things that trigger him - we could be having a conversation about anything and the affair will come up in the conversation. I hate that I am a trigger - being around me hurts him but yet he feels the need to constantly be around me. We could go from cuddling one minute to the next him being so angry. He tells me that the pizzalover he knows is gone and that I never told him I was leaving. It hurts to see the person that I have become and how I taken away the thing in his life that he could count on and feel completely positive about. I completely destroyed his life and my own and I almost lost my life. I am desperately trying to figure out what happened to me. What made me destroy so many lives and my relationship. He has recently been talking about trying to figure out a way to get out of our relationship which kills me.
Some interesting developments have been happening in my FOO relationships. As stated earlier, I haven't really had a relationship with my dad in probably 8 years. It all started when my dad left my mom. I held on to SO much anger towards my dad that I never addressed with him. When he originally left my mom, he said he was leaving her because he hadn't love her since I was 13 and that she was fat and didn't clean. He obviously shouldn't have said that to me, and there are deeper issues at play, but that was incredibly painful to hear. He got remarried and I never took the time to really get to know my step-mom. I felt anger for her, not because she did anything wrong, but because she wasn't my mom. I would see them both on holidays and once in awhile besides that, but I didn't make any effort to reach out to them. I was never close to my mom - she was always judgmental and I was trying to get her approval. I ended up alienating her too, although I ended up talking to her a little more than my dad. I latched on to my BS's family early on probably to avoid my own, but I wasn't like his family and even though they accepted me, I felt like I was on the outs because I didn't have their humor or a lot in common with him. As I started this affair, I latched onto my AP's family alienating my family and my BH's family.
Obviously as D-day smacked me in the face, I knew that I needed to start repairing my relationships with my family. I have gotten together with my dad individually a few times - we spent the whole day together on my birthday and went out to dinner together another time. We have also been emailing and are planning on watching Under the Dome this summer together once a week since we both love Stephen King. I went to lunch with my step-mom who I have NEVER spent any time alone with in the 10 years that they have been married (seriously, I'm so pathetic). We had a 2 1/2 hour lunch where we just talked and talked clearing the air and getting to know each other. It turns out that she had a bad first marriage and when she met my dad at 55, they knew they were each other's soul mates. It makes me happy that my dad is happy. I am just sorry it took me so long to figure it out. We will be getting together again soon, just the two of us. In addition to that, my BS and I have gone out to dinner a few times with the both of them and plan on doing this once a month. My mom is going to be a harder relationship to heal, but we are off to a good start. We went out 3 times already - one for my b-day, one for her b-day and one for mother's day. We have been talking a lot. She is very overweight and is having health problems, but I offered to drive her to some of her appointments. I also have to get brave enough to address her hoarding again - my brother and I have not been in her house in over 3 years. She has been hoarding since we were younger but it has gotten progressively worse over the years. I need to be able to offer my help again, which she may not take, in cleaning out her house because it is not safe for her. I would hate if anything happened to her.
I have not had much success with my brother. I saw him and his wife on Sunday for the first time since I was in the hospital. He is obviously very angry with me. When I told him I was concerned about my mom, he said that I wasn't concerned about her before, but I replied that I am trying to fix my mistakes and be a better person. He told me that I won't change until I admit why I did this. I said that it couldn't have been about my BH which he said it was. I told him that I have been reading here and books like Not Just Friends and the affair could not have been caused by the BH, to which he asked me where the books have been for the last 3 1/2 years. He said that I did it because I liked it. He said you wouldn't take (metaphorical) heroin for 3 1/2 years without liking it. I believe that that was an addictive quality to my affair , but the start and continuation of the addiction comes from within me and is a dysfunction with me. I am trying to figure out where that dysfunction comes from. At least I got to see him and talk to him. Maybe it's just a start and will take a lot of time to heal.
Each day is a struggle and I am so thankful for meds, otherwise I think I would go off the deep end. I will continue to work hard, to try to not put up walls, to be supportive to my BH, and to try to give us both some joy. We are going to the beach this weekend. Hopefully we will have some fun.
I think I'm done writing for today, but will be back soon. I won't stay away this long again.
[This message edited by pizzalover at 9:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]
Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09