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Feeling numb

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DoneWithLove posted 5/29/2013 21:37 PM

Im feeling numb and it worries me because I never want to hurt my H but thats all hes ever done to me. We have been together for 6 1/2 years and he always accused me of cheating no matter what I said or do. Then a month ago he tells me hes done. He had told that there had been rumors going around work about him and a girl fooling around. Then he told me that he spends his 30 minute lunch "hanging out" with the OW instead of calling me. I never got away with not calling him on break. The day that he told me he was done and wasnt in love with me anymore was the night they started their relationship. A week later, after putting me through hell, he told me that they had sex and after they finished is when he realized he made a mistake, was still in love with me and wanted me back. Its so out of his character to be so heartless, I cant believe him now when he says hes in love with me. Its been a month and a week since everything blew up and almost a month since we got back together. At first I was heart broken because of what he did, then I was relieved he came back and was done with her, then I was a puddle of tears and a wreck and now im so unsure about so many things. I dont know what to do, I dont know if he will ever be faithful but he says he will do whatever it takes to convince me but I need to know now but I have no way of knowing.

avicarswife posted 5/30/2013 03:13 AM

Hi hun - I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I see this is your first post - the just found out thread is often particularly helpful when you first arrive. You may want to look there.

Welcome to SI - you will find this is a great place to get support.

The healing library in yellow box on the top left has really helpful information.

I would seriously doubt your husband is telling you all the truth. Most WS (wayward spouse) seem to minimise things. Often things related to when the affair started, or how long, what was involved, when it stopped, protection and how many they have had.

The accusing you of affairs can be deflecting behaviour and could be a sign that this isn't his first affair.

I would suggest you go and get a STD screen to be on the safe side. Don't be embarrassed, doctors have sadly heard it all before.

Are you and he going for counselling? Is he in NC (no contact) with the OW? Does she have a boyfriend and does he know?

Both separately and at some time in the future marriage counselling.

Whether you can reconcile will depend on lots of things but if you want to and he is truly remorseful the are lots of couples here who are examples of how it is done.

Life will be a roller - coaster of emotions for a while yet.

Here are some thread links for you that may be helpful.

The one below is more for the WS but do read. I printed it out and gave it to my husband. I needed him to understand that this wasn't going to be something I was going to be "over" in a few weeks. More like 2 -5 years.

Also "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald is a helpful book - it is really short ( a few hours read) available on kindle.

Hang in there. Lots of hugs.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 3:16 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

DoneWithLove posted 6/3/2013 23:33 PM

He told me that he would put a tracker on his phone and truck. He doesnt go anywhere without my permission and calls on all his breaks, on his way to work and when hes gonna be home. In therapy he said he was accusing me bc he always looked at other girls and was afraid bc I was acting like I didnt care about him anymore and that his exs cheated on him. He admits thats not a good reason and feels stupid about it because I never gave him any reason to dobt me. We got tested and are both negative. We are going on our 7th therapy session. He doesn't talk to her anymore since I asked him not to and avoids her all together. I guess she made a big deal of him breaking it off even though she said she wouldnt if we got back together. He said she's nothing like what he thought shes was and isn't someone he could see himself being with. She was trying to do a rebound/ friends with benifits but he thinks she was taking it farther then what she said even after he broke it off. He willingly read the link you gave me and afterwards he broke down and said he wished I wouldve kicked his ass for what he did and wouldnt blame me if I decided to get revenge. He said he will do whatever it takes to gain my trust again and so far hes came through on every thing. He wants to renew our vows and get my name tattooed on his ring finger as a symbol of his commitment to me. He knows that this will a lifelong struggle and commitment to me and he wants to renew our vows. He's even ask me about how I feel about giving me control over our account and even moving wherever I want to go. I have I told him plenty of times that this is his last and only chance to fix things with me and if he messes up again I will have no problem leaving him. He has vowed to be the man I desurve to have, who by the way is a 180 from the man I know. Which im happy about but im keeping my mind set that this good guy thing is temporary.

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