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Behavior Expected - please advise

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nothing10112 posted 5/30/2013 06:13 AM

It has been awhile since i have posted. Me and the unfaithful broke physical ties in November 2012. However, I have been on a whirlwind of drugs, swinging and simply not my normal behavior. I feel like, because the infidelity occurred within a swingers club, I had no choice but to prove that he's not the only one. I am now on disability due to panic attacks. However, I am getting better. I have removed all inappropriate sexual and emotional behaviors aside and am working with clinical doctrine. My only question, is this a normal behavior after trying to survive infidelity.

CallMeRed1 posted 5/30/2013 07:29 AM

I think everyone reacts differently but do what you have done, put it behind you and move on now.

Look after yourself, mentally, emotionally, physically.

If I were you I'd also get STD checked just so you know you're okay at this stage.

But don't worry about how you reacted then, think of the future and try not to dwell if you can.

newnormal posted 5/30/2013 07:29 AM

Gently, yes your response is a common reaction. But not a healthy choice. Please google maladaptive behavior. Its your minds way of trying to make yourself feel desireable in the context of the infidelity.

You are worth far more than your hot bod. Talk to your therapist about this. If you don't have one, spend a few moments to sit down and write a few things that make you feel good about yourself. For example, volunteer at a nursing home - the old guys will validate your hotness AND your compassion towards others. How about being a big sister and spend some time helping little girls feel confident about themselves?


cayc posted 5/30/2013 07:33 AM

Nothing destroys the soul more than trying to prove yourself to a WS, whether before or after the fact. Your case is a tad extreme, but in so far as acting out to show two can play at that game, it happens.

I'm glad you found your way back to some sanity and have help to maintain your equilibrium. Your WS destroyed your M, not you. It's important to remember that. You still have to live for you.


damncutekitty posted 5/30/2013 08:10 AM

I did a lot of self-destructive things after leaving my XH. I think it's quite common after D.

cryingdaily posted 5/30/2013 08:23 AM

We have been betrayed, rejected, made to feel unattractive and unwanted and we have felt powerless over the direction of our own lives and R.

Some of us have felt the need to "prove" our worth and take some power back, unfortunately sometimes it manifests in self-destructive ways.

[This message edited by cryingdaily at 8:23 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

nothing10112 posted 6/3/2013 01:17 AM

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all of you. I needed to know if it correlated but assumed it did. I can now move on peacefully and gracefully.

SBB posted 6/3/2013 04:02 AM

((nothing102212)) I did lots of self destructive things in those first 2 months too. For me it wasn't about desirability - it was about control. I wanted to control my pain by administering it myself for once.

I've looked high and low but the truth is there are no shortcuts. Move away from the scene and start the walk towards healing. The first step is always the hardest.

I've forgiven myself - I am building healthy coping mechanisms. Are you in IC?

UndecidedinMA posted 6/3/2013 09:44 AM

Absolutely in the realm. After my D, I went on such a downward spiral of alcohol & men it was apalling. Friends actually did a mini intervention.

The fact you recognize the problem before it went to far down the rabbit hole - very very good.

clralb posted 6/3/2013 10:01 AM

I did the same thing. I was so self-destructive for a good year after separation. I did not care much if I lived or died.

I'm ashamed of the way I behaved but have forgiven myself.

Take care of yourself.

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