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SecondHelping posted 5/30/2013 06:31 AM

Why is it when my fWW does something wrong or breaks a rule/boundary, it's always my fault?

atsenaotie posted 5/30/2013 06:39 AM

I would guess because she does not yet own her shit and responsibility. One of the signs I had that the IC, reading, and effort my FWW was putting into herself was working was that she had quit blasting me for things, quit blame-shifting to me, and quit perceiving everything I did that she did not like as being motivated by hating or not liking her.

How has she done in IC and MC identifying her Whys for the A and owning what she did?

SecondHelping posted 5/30/2013 13:15 PM

I don't know how she is doing in IC because she never talks about it. We are not in MC yet. Although we desperately need to get there.

She does not blast me or blameshift for the A. She knows the bad choice was heres, but she says I made here feel like unloved and that's what pushed here into her bad place. Also every time she does something wrong or not what I expected she says she "can't get anything right" then says its because she doesn't know how I'll react.

I'm always sad and she says I pull away and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so it turns out being my fault. She knows the A is her fault, but the healing not going smoothly is my fault.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 10:22 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

kenny55 posted 5/30/2013 19:38 PM

I heard the same thing. It helps them not feel guilt for waht they did.

atsenaotie posted 5/31/2013 10:05 AM

SecondHelping,

...but she says I made here feel like unloved and that's what pushed here into her bad place.

yeah, she still has work to do. FWW said this sort of thing often after dday, the MC/IC always called her out on it. You did not make her feel unloved. She felt unloved, and turned to external validation as the cure.

...she says she "can't get anything right"

Another cop-out statement that makes her a victim and excuses even trying. Again, FWW had these issues and it took over a year of IC until she was able to be a full partner in the M (stand up for herself, communicate without trying to guess what she thought I wanted her to say, accepting it is OK for me to feel hurt or angry becasue of somethign she did or did not do, etc).

If your dday was less than a year ago, give it time. I just posted in another thread by 2married2quit in General that it took about two and a half years after dday until we were really able to work on R. Up till then we were both working on our own stuff.

--Ats

hardlessons posted 5/31/2013 11:06 AM

SecondH, forget MC, she should double down on IC. IMO Also, why won't she talk about her IC with you?

When she says things like "can't get anything right" just like atsenaotie said it's a cop out. She tries to defuse the conflict by dropping that little grenade into the mix. Making that comment says "Why do you make this sooo hard?" Next thing you know your second guessing yourself...

Don't accept her rules/boundary violations, set consequences you know you can live with otherwise you will get more of the same. Have you created a list of requirements for R?

[This message edited by hardlessons at 11:06 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

numb&dumb posted 5/31/2013 11:13 AM

It is only your fault if you have not been about those requirements or boundaries are.

It is her fault if she fails at them. Don't own what isn't yours.

She needs some humility and needs to be more open about her process of healing too. How do you know you are safe if she breaking boundaries and refusing to share her process ? Her word doesn't hold the weight as it did before. Actions matter and that is one way she can rebuild some trust again. Actions matching words. Hiding things from you is a lie of omission. Lies are lies. True R her earning the F, requires no more lies, actions and providing you what you need from her.

heartbroken2012 posted 5/31/2013 12:24 PM

My WH does this. He says that my bad mood and hormones toward everyone made him "look" thus pushing him towards the A.

Total utter crap.

Still makes us feel like shit. My WH blames me for everything and I mean EVERYTHING. Money, his mood, him getting hurt anything.

SecondHelping posted 5/31/2013 18:10 PM

why won't she talk about her IC with you?

I don't know why she doesn't talk about her IC. When I was in IC, I told her everything. We even did a 'marriage promise' when we decided to R and it says we'll give each other an update every 3 sessions/months. Hasn't happened yet from her side.

Don't accept her rules/boundary violations, set consequences you know you can live with otherwise you will get more of the same. Have you created a list of requirements for R?

We made the marriage promise and in it was boundaries...especially the one she just broke. We did not write down the consequences, but discussed them. I told her the other night that if I catch her in a lie again, one of us will be leaving the house (her).

My fWW does everything right for about 3 weeks. Then she just seems to forget things or talk/act without thinking. I shouldn't be suprised by this, she's done this for nearly 30 years. Whatever she does is short live... diet, clean house, exercise (except last year during the A), job searching, etc. She just has a short attention span and memory.

hardlessons posted 5/31/2013 18:49 PM

She will continue to do that as long as you allow her to. Instead of changing, she is trying to comply and that never lasts long. Sorry your dealing with this. Is the consequence for her next lie something you can live with?

SecondHelping posted 6/1/2013 12:53 PM

Is the consequence for her next lie something you can live with?

While I don't want her to leave, a few months ago I realized that I will be OK if R does not work. So, yes, I guess I am. I can't live with someone I can't trust and respect.

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