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Is it normal to still feel this mixed up

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CallMeRed1 posted 5/30/2013 07:22 AM

So I'm divorced. It finalised on 11 February and the EXWH moved out (finally) on 15 March and god what a relief that was.

He lives in our other house (formerly rented out) in the same road. It is already driving me nuts because he obviously drives past my house whenever he goes anywhere and if my car isn't there he texts "are you at work today" or whatever.

I have maintained, and will continue to do so, the act that we are "amicable" for the sake of our children (my 17 year old stepdaughter and our children aged 10, 8 and 6).

As soon as he knew I wanted to D, instead of fighting for our M he got out there and banged his way around the South of England and even further afield. He has since said "Maybe I am a Sex Addict after all". Also during this time he kindly said that if I was "desperate" he would be willing to let me "have a go". Who the hell does he think he is??

(To illustrate the point my phone just beeped and there is a text: "you working from home today?". Tempted as I am to reply "go fxxk yourself" I simply replied "yes".)

With all of this. With his suspected SA, narcissism and total control freakery... why do I still feel sad?? He has a girlfriend now (not OW). He's already cheated on her more than once so of course I find myself feeling sorry for her as she has no clue whatsoever.

I feel sad that this POS can be in a 3 month "relationship" which began before our divorce was even completed. How can that be right? He cheats and now he is behaving like a single man who doesn't give a shit about the M he lost, the wife he lost etc.

I know for a fact that I'm not ready for a relationship as everyone I meet I wonder if they are "the same" or I take things they say out of context... I need time, and probably quite a lot of it.

I hope this long ramble makes sense to someone out there. I hope it isn't just me... in a way... not that I'd wish this rubbish feeling on anyone else but you know what I mean.

I hope you are all doing ok.

CallMeRed1 posted 5/30/2013 07:24 AM

I just read this through. I generally don't swear so sorry about my language.

Take2 posted 5/30/2013 07:39 AM

You swore? I didn't notice - how bad is that...? lol

Cut yourself some slack Red, it takes time. Of course you are sad. Knowing you aren't ready to get out there is a good thing, and likely healthy at this point.

But as far as his inquiries about you being home - NC! Ignore them - it is none of his business. Stay amicable for the kids stuff - that's all good. But cut him out otherwise and do this now - before you are ready to date!! Cause if I don't miss my guess - he is going to freak when you do start dating... ["With his suspected SA, narcissism and total control freakery"]

It makes no sense - but what does with a remorseless WS, STBXWS, or STBX, especially one like you just described.
He may not want to "keep" you - but sounds he keeps floating the idea of being of service...? Get that notion out of his head before you move on!

My 2 cents!

itainteasy posted 5/30/2013 07:40 AM

I think you feel sad because your life was blown up. You didn't sign up for any of this.

and it hurts, it HURTS to watch someone that you were involved with for so long move on so fast.

He's not really happy though. And he's moving on to the next one because he's still trying to fill the hole inside him. He doesn't want to be alone with himself, because then he has to face himself.

I'm sorry you're hurting.


allatsea posted 5/30/2013 07:46 AM

Hi Call,

You are several months ahead of me and my spouse in that I am not divorced yet. WW is living with the OP and my children even though we aren't divorced (nice).

My first reaction to you receiving these texts from your ex is that you should simply ignore them. You don't even need to reply "No" when he asks if you are working from home.

I am repeatedly told that I have been sacked from the role of caring for the ex. Her problems and behaviour are no longer my problem. It is natural to feel sad and see this person behave out of character but I have reluctantly learned that we are the last people who can do anything to change it. Even though I would support my WW is resovling her issues she would assume I was biased and have my own agenda.

If you really want to play with his mind get a friend whos car he is not familiar with to park on the drive for a few days. And then ignore his texts! Maybe that's a bit puerile!

Good luck.

WorldTraveler23 posted 5/30/2013 08:55 AM

Is there any reason you have to reply to his texts (that aren't about kids or money)? I would suggest texting him to say: please only contact me about kids or money. All other texts will be ignored. He'll probably lose interest if you just ignore all irrelevant texts, then you won't have to deal with them. Would this work for you?

TrustGone posted 5/30/2013 14:56 PM

You are remaining sad and mixed up because you are maintaining contact with him. You are still letting him into your life. Until you go NC except for kids and stick to it, then you will stay in this cycle. He doesn't need to know where you are or what you are doing or with whom you are doing it. It is no longer his business and it has nothing to do with the children. NC=No new hurts

Housefulloflove posted 5/30/2013 15:05 PM

You are sad and mixed up because you are a normal person with feelings who has to grieve in order to process this awful mess.

He is not feeling the same because he is an empty narcissist that goes through life without proper feelings. And as a result, everything he touches turns to sh*t.

CallMeRed1 posted 5/31/2013 15:09 PM

Thank you all, your replies were how I expected yet I needed to hear it, if that makes any sense at all.

A few things have happened lately and I have finally realised the NC and detaching thing has GOT to happen, and from now on that will be the way it is.

I have tried to maintain a "friendship" with him for the childrens' sake, but it's quite honestly done my head in.


Thank you to everyone.

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