"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

brokenniceguy posted 5/30/2013 08:41 AM

So they say men want to solve problems while women want someone to listen and feel with them. Who knows for sure, but if I was the WS I think I would spend every moment thinking of solutions and solving the problems. I would probably be annoying in the effort. I've been told several times throughout marriage that I need to stop trying to solve her problems and just listen and emphasize.

Now, I really feel like my WS is almost clueless when it comes to problem solving with regards to our marriage. I work on me, she works on her, and occasionally there is some evidence of solving the big problem in the room - i.e. what she did to me and our marriage memories.

So here is my recovery question, is the fact that I feel stuck because I don't see daily evidence of problem solving a guy perception or is this just one more sad fact of reality after an A? Do men have unique struggles in R because women aren't always problem solvers? After 6 months of TT it looks like everything is out and the foundation for R is there.

I guess the analogy is I played with matches in the back yard while she lit rocket fuel in the kitchen and burned the house down. We both are working on our relative problems, but the house still needs to be rebuilt. Her solution is to say we need to rebuild this house, but doesn't know how. Dumb analogy?

How do I teach my WS from a different planet to act like a man and solve some problems?

wifehad5 posted 5/30/2013 08:58 AM

Have you talked to her about this? She may be doing something that you just don't see. She may also be scared to talk about it.

Talk to her and tell her what you would like to see

7yrsflushed posted 5/30/2013 09:08 AM

How do I teach my WS from a different planet to act like a man and solve some problems?

The short answer is you can't. They have to WANT to solve the problem on their own. They know the problem exists but having the courage and ability to step up, own their shit, and get to work fixing things is completely up to them. Is she in IC?

As wifehad5 suggested, talk to her about this and then step back and see if she does the work because you can't do it for her. The only thing you can control is yourself so keep focusing on you and see if your WW can step up and dig deep to resolve her issues. I wish you the best.

hardlessons posted 5/30/2013 09:18 AM

Welcome broken, sorry your here. Have you set clear expectations of Recon? You can't teach her, but you can clearly communicate your expectations and requirements. Like IC, books, SI etc.

I know as a new WS I was clueless when I tried to really read SI, it was like a foreign language. Still don't have it all down, but I can order food!

In R things will go up and down, you have probably heard it called the roller coaster and that's exactly what it is and it is a sad fact of our reality now. For me I have the understanding that some days will be shit, but have the expectation to do better and within that I can keep moving forward. Make sense?

ms521 posted 5/30/2013 09:23 AM

I think women solve problems too, but to over-generalize, I don't think we go about it in the same way. From my own relationship, I can say that my husband will throw everything he's got at a problem. In fact, I've said the same thing to him that your wife has said to you: I don't need a solution, I just need you to listen. When we talk about stuff, it's our own way of turning the problem around in our heads to see every possible angle, every possible solution.

Analogy: a leak in our house would have WH jumping to repair it. He'd try one thing after another, without stopping, until he found the solution that worked. For me, I would move more slowly - I would make sure that no more damage is done, but I might not make the effective repair until I knew for sure that what I was doing would work.

As a BS, I want to know daily what my WH is doing to "fix" this mess. I want to know that it consumes his thoughts the way it consumes mine. And I want to not always be the one to bring it up. BUT - I can remember being the WW... the guilt and remorse from my affair did consume my thoughts, but I never wanted to bring it up to my then BH because I thought it would cause him more pain. Knowing then what I know now, I would talk about it all the time. I would apologize every day. Hell- every hour. I would text him constantly, and keep him informed of every self-discovery/epiphany I had, every book I read, every 2x4 I took and felt.

I'm rambling - this is a long way of saying you need to talk to your wife. Yes, part of it is the fact that men and women solve problems differently, and the OTHER part of it is that she probably has no idea WHAT to do to show you that she's working on it!!

(((brokenniceguy))))

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:24 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

brokenniceguy posted 5/30/2013 09:23 AM

She is in IC. I have told her but probably need to keep the heat on. I've said things like I need you to create new memories that erase the bad, to rebuild 15 years of marriage, to help me not feel like crap, to make me want to wear the ring again, to think good about anniversaries, etc...I don't have specifics because not sure what those are and anything I suggest seems to become a trigger.

As 7yrs suggests, I feel like I've made the request and now get to watch. It seems the watching is painful because she doesn't really know how to solve problems. It's like her way of building the house is way slower than mine.

brokenniceguy posted 5/30/2013 09:39 AM

Thanks ms521. You seemed to capture things pretty good.