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Joanh posted 5/30/2013 09:52 AM

It's strange feeling. My BH is working for a friend of ours. So he's been gone for the last two days and I'm lost. I'm not able to focus on what needs to get done and there's lots. I spend my time looking on sites for information on what to do after the affair and thinking about all that has happened. I neither cry or smile or be angry. It's just blah. H made the comment that I don't seem to be excited about anything I'm not. After we talked about a few of my triggers And he agreed I thought maybe I'd feel better? He was good about it but I'm thankful I have a loving H. It's surprises me and his eyes last actually looked at me. I think some of it is I don't know how to be. I know last night our son was sick and I knew what to do. In a weird way I felt better. What is that! I know mu IC says I need to care for myself more and not everyone else. That I spend my time fixing everyone else but me. On the otherhand isn't that what my affairs were about. A fix for myself it sure the he'll waant for myH or my family! My H is going back to work. Which means days of him not being home. I hate it.
It scares the crap out of me. He gets angry when he's away. And I can feel the fear building in me. I tried to give him my passwords etc and he won't take them. He says if I wasn't being true we'd be done and if he even thot it we be over. I however having trust issues with him cause he did lie. About some emails. But he says I don't have the right to ask for his passwords.
The other day he ask me what was going on in my head cause I was pretty down and I told him about hoe some of childhood abuse has causes trust issues and how because I've never dealt with it he's has to pay. He got very mad. Said all it sounds like is excuses. Doesn't see it as trying to better myself and unlearn old behavior. Basically thinks its bs crap and a cop out. Which to me I'm wasnt using it that way I was trying to tell him what was going on and what I was thinking about. There's the problem. Even before if I discuss the feely stuff he just tell to me to think different basically to think like him. I need to know what's going on around me to feel safe. I've done since I was a child. If you know u can make choices and protect what's around me.
Sorry for the long blurb. Just needing a way to keep moving. He doesn't like talking about the hard stuff or the emotional stuff. Not sure what to talk about. There are always things to do around here that keeps us busy and he is loving towards me. And he says that's cause if he wants me in his life he knows he can't treat me like trash. But what are we fixing? Or are we just building fresh new life and making new memories. And am I just over analyzing making problem where there isn't any? Oh i wish I was a better person

floridaredman posted 5/30/2013 10:38 AM

If you never heal the hurt little girl inside of you, the one that got abused, that little girl can never move on and become an adult.
So, even though your body has grown to be an are still feeling the pain of the little girl who never healed.

You have to learn how to forgive. What happened to you was an atrocity. However if you can never heal and let go of the person who did that to you, anyone in a relationship with you will pay for what your abuser did.

It's messed up and not fair, but in order for you to fix your marriage..that part of you has to be fixed too.

badchoice posted 5/30/2013 13:24 PM

I think FRM hit it on the head. You need two healthy people to have a healthy M, and you can only control yourself and your healing.

I know last night our son was sick and I knew what to do. In a weird way I felt better. What is that!

I think it was because you were able to focus on someone else, and not look at yourself. I know that I used 'staying busy with kids' as a way to avoid feeling emotions, dealing with the unpleasant things going on, etc. It's a way to avoid getting in touch with what you are doing and feeling IMO.

That I spend my time fixing everyone else but me.

Again, I think it is because it is way easier to help others than do the hard inward looking and healing yourself. When I start to really dig, it sucks. It sucks to see all the shit that I did, and was done to me...But you can't heal unless you look inside.

Joanh posted 5/30/2013 17:15 PM

I know I need to heal that part of me. I thought it was. I know I never will get closure with some of the culprits but I'm really not sure what to do with it hopefully when I talk to my IC he can help me more. I just wish myBH would be interested in learning about me instead of just saying I don't know who you are. My IC had asked me to tell him who I was and the only word that came was a survivor. I can and lived through lots of abuse and self sabbatoge. Now I need to find me but to what expense is that and to whom :-(. I really would like to be happy and no more depression. And I can't remeber when that was anymore. Sorry. But I'm just tired

floridaredman posted 5/30/2013 19:02 PM

My IC had asked me to tell him who I was and the only word that came was a survivor.

You're still surviving..which is good. You are still on the journey from surviving to living.
There is a difference between surviving and living.
Surviving involves struggle. Living means you've overcome.
You have a lot of pain to surmount, remember this one word....

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