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Lose/lose situation WHs welcome

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losingmyground posted 5/30/2013 10:29 AM

While I am 95% sure that my FWH never had intercourse with his MOW, I am running into issues. Which has lead me to a lose/lose situation.

I want more than anything to know that I am sexy and wanted by my FWH. Not just words or actions but both.

Sex since discovery, when it happens, has been great. 10x better than it was before. Mostly because I made it clear that he would not want sex either if he rolled over unsatisfied.

But it seems that unless I initiate sex, it doesn't happen.

Are there any other BWs going through this? Any thoughts for WHs?

Please help.

hardlessons posted 5/30/2013 10:45 AM

Hey losing, as a wh I think a big part for me not initiating early on was the conflict avoider in me. I knew there would be times we would have to stop, triggers flare. As a BH I had to stop, was triggered and all that so knowing it would be the same for my bw I avoided the conflict at some level.

Is he conflict avoidance? If so a great book I read was "When anger scares you" by John Lynch.

losingmyground posted 5/30/2013 10:50 AM

You hit the nail on the head. I am sure that my ups and downs are not helping right now. In fact, it probably scares the crap out of him.

Funny thing is that I don't trigger during sex at all. My triggers are outside of that...romantic movies etc.

hardlessons posted 5/30/2013 11:28 AM

CA is a way of life, a way of coping poorly. We can project it without there being a reason or because it has or hasn't happened. It has been probably the biggest thing for me to tackle and one of the most important. It affects boundaries, decisions, how we treat others. Is he working on this stuff?

losingmyground posted 5/30/2013 11:45 AM

Not sure....We haven't talked about the affair in quite awhile.

He has some major issues right now. His biggest is being overweight. It doesn't bother me, other than worrying about his health. He won't take me up on the things needed to fix it and I just want to scream that it didn't keep him for being able to engage in an affair.

I did give him a link to the website early on, but I have not seen where he has researched anything.

I am afraid if I just keep going status quo right now, nothing has changed and he will find himself right in the same spot he was.

losingmyground posted 5/31/2013 09:19 AM


TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 09:48 AM

Have you discussed this with your WH?? Let him know it would make you feel better if he initiated sex some of the time?? I know that was part of my WH#2's unhappiness in our marriage prior to the A. He wanted me to initiate sex all the time and would get upset when I wouldn't. I think it made him feel I didn't want him anymore or didn't find him sexy, thus part of his ego-kibbles from OW was getting this need satified I think. I have tried to initiate more than I used to, but at this point I really don't even want sex with him and I am having major female problems right now which isn't helping in the least with my libido issues. Hopefully with the next operation that will no longer be an issue. I do not trigger when having sex with him, I just no longer feel special anymore. During his LTA he started reaching out and grabbing me and groping me, which I did not like and told him that numerous times. It was a total turnoff to me and would often result in an arguement and me sleeping in the guest room. I guess that is how he was treating OW too at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time I didn't understand where it came from all the sudden and would tell him to stop it, it was very disrepectful and made me feel like a peice of meat. He had never treated me like that before and our sex life had always been great up until then. I guess all you can do is communicate your feelings and hopefully he will listen. (((HUGS)))

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