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It's been a while but we are still at it

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Ibrokehisheart posted 5/30/2013 10:31 AM

Well it has been over a year since everything started to come out. We have our good and bad days. We also just had our 12th anniversary in same week as the day of our d-day. We continue to work on our marriage on a daily bases.

Since the last time I was on here we moved into our new home. It has been a blessing to have something stable in our life. My husbandís grandfather past in March and that caused so many more problems. There were more issues with his family and things got so bad that he has decided not to even try to mend the relationship with his parents. Things were also bad because that was the first time we have been in the same place as the other man. I made sure that there was no contact with him in anyway. But things got bad when my husband saw his dad talking to the other man and never spoke with him. This just made our situation worse because then we started arguing again. But we seemed to turn a corner.

We are communicating more now than ever before in our relationship. But we still are having problems. He always brings up my affair on every turn which is hard. When he asks me how I feel, I tell him everything because I want to be honest with him. I am in a much better place on how I feel about and with him. But he says he doesnít know whether he believes me. I continue telling and showing him what I feel. I am not sure where things will go from here. My husband continues to try and compare himself to the other man. I have try to tell him that he is who I want but I understand that it is hard because I have turned to someone else.

Things for me are hard because the more he brings up my affair the harder it is for me to get rid of the thoughts. I am using different techniques to help with getting this man out of my head. For me I know where my heart is and where I want to be. Other than see him that one time, we have managed not to have any contact with each other. In my small time it is a huge accomplishment. My only problem is that he email it was about important information on the school system. I did not respond and deleted it. I want to tell my husband but he is in a dark place right now. I am at a loss at this moment.

I hope we can continue to work on things but I just donít know because he is moving more way from me on a daily bases.

Joanh posted 5/30/2013 10:57 AM

Tell him about the email. or it may haunt you. I know we want to protect our spouses but.. my bet he may appreciate the honesty and the fact you trust him enough and that you are not hiding anything. I know how you feel we are 6.5 months from the time my BH found me. and all I can say is it still sucks and its going to. So many triggers with a small town and if there is family friend connections its going to happen. See if there is something you can do or be prepared for the next time it may happen. A code word even for its time to leave. who knows it might help. Im trying everything and anything.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/30/2013 13:04 PM

Retrieve the deleted email if you can, and forward it to your H. Deleting it may make H wonder if there was something in the email you wanted to hide.

Totally understand what you're saying about your H bringing up the A, and comparing himself to OM--which keeps your mind on the A and OM. Given what I did, if BH wants to bring up the A--he gets to. Forever. As often as he needs to. Maybe it's hard for me, but I can never imagine the horror that goes through BH's mind when he imagines me being intimate with OM.

I just read your January post. You've been through more heartache than anyone deserves. Are you still in IC? Have you and H brought passion and desire back into your sex life?

Ibrokehisheart posted 5/31/2013 07:34 AM

Thank you and I will figure out how to tell him. It was an innocent email. Joanh thank you for the idea it just might work for us. 20WrongsVs1, I am still IC and as for our sex life some days I am into my H and others I am not. I fight with myself for that. He tries everything to make me happy. H agrees that we need to spice up our sex life. We do talk about it.

I know what is on his mind a lot because he gives me all the details. I know that he is venting but how do you move on if something is always talked about?

I thank the lord that we have not had a lot of contact with the OM. The horrible truth is that we don't have to worry about it because my H doesn't speak to his family. We do not go to any family events. It would be a major problem if we did.

I have to admit I was surprised to hear from the OM's W in March. She sent me a text thanking me for the care I gave her grandfather. If it is not evident, I had an A with my BIL who is M to my H's sister.

[This message edited by Ibrokehisheart at 7:37 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 5/31/2013 18:56 PM

I am not sure where things will go from here.

That's okay. You are working to become a healthy person, not to keep your M. (Right? Whether or not your M makes it, you need to work on yourself.) Your M has changed. Stay the course. Talk about the A as much as he wants to. It is a long, long road.

Ibrokehisheart posted 6/3/2013 10:34 AM

I am working on myself but we are also working on M. I try to be optimistic about the future.

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