SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm tired of feeling good 1 day and horrible the next. I'm tired of being worried about running into STBXH.

Last week=good. I bought a kayak, first meetup with other yakkers on Saturday. I am now in boot camp. Love it. I have stopped taking sleeping meds and AD's.

But

I am still crying every once and a while. This weekend is a big affair that I have always wanted to go to. This year it is in our area. My DS had said he wanted to go. I asked yesterday if he still wanted to go, he said no. Come to find out STBXH will be volunteering at the event and my DS knows I don't ever want to see STBXH again. I take a day and tell him that it will be busy enough we probably won't see him. He still says no. In my past I would have gone by myself and loved it. But now I can't do anything by myself. Will I ever get myself back?

Its been 18 months since d-day and separation. He did not want R and is living/engage with OW#3.

I know this sounds crazy, but I worry about things like I will never have sex again. I am 56, though I still turn heads and don't look my age. I have my DS living with me 100% because he will only see his father every couple of weeks for an hour. Even if I date, there is no way a man would come to my house until it was serious, but that would take months, plus not really dating or putting myself out there to date. AND I know STBXH knows that i'm not dating/sleeping with someone because he knows how I feel about that. And just how long does it take to not have any feelings for the STBXH? We were married 15 years, together 20. I am not at indifference yet.

Bottom line, I am afraid I am going to be a divorced old maid.

Through my whole life, I had very few female friends. Didn't like the drama and what they liked to do. Spent most of my time with guys, as one of the guys. I have a home office, most people I see in my business are married couples. No real opportunity to make new friends or meet any type of man for friend or possible date.

Ok, rant or vent or whine over.

Must survive,

I can relate. I am 54 and have my daughter 6 nights a week. I have all the fears you have of being alone, never having sex again. I can't imagine how I would ever meet anyone much less date given a job and an 8-year old DD. I don't know if it makes you feel any better to know I am in the same boat you are. And I too alternate between being fine and being weepy.

However how awesome you have a kayak! Maybe not as good as great sex but not bad at all! Actually, thinking about now I would rather have a kayak than a date.

They don't call it a roller coaster for nothin..

If it makes you feel better, I'm involved in activities with TONS of nice single older men who would love a nice woman to spend time with. They are out there!

You said yourself you aren't really putting yourself out there, so change that! Get yourself out there!

As far as you ex "knowing" you aren't dating, I don't think he should know either way. He shouldn't know if you are, and if you do want him to know, sounds like you would just want to make him jealous..

But he's a douche!! So forget what he thinks or knows!!

Big hugs to you.. I'm sure there are men out there waiting for you if you would give them a chance.

I would imagine that if you continue to spend time with people that share your interests (like the kayaking group), you'll make lots of new friends.

And even if you don't...

It'll be better to be a divorced old maid than married to an old, lying cheater, right?