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My thoughts on R.....

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karmahappens posted 5/30/2013 11:22 AM

Sometimes it is so difficult to read the R forum. Not because of the happy “we are making it” posts, but the others that aren’t so R happy.

I see BS’s coming into R after a few weeks, a month or two out from dday “in R” and happier than ever, making a new marriage and I want to caution them.

Not because I don’t believe in R, I completely jump for those who have a WS that gets it and does the hard work to make it back to their spouse.

But a big piece so many BS’s lose sight of is their healing, their FOO issues, their demons along with the trauma of the A. There is so much to address within ourselves that you really need to make yourself a priority at this time.

R takes time, deciding you want to R takes time. The few weeks/months after dday is a time for the shock and trauma to set in. You cannot expect to know what you want for your future because you are just finding out the truth about your past.

R isn’t an option that fades if you don’t jump on it quickly. It is there for you, when you decide it is the right path to take. If your WS is going to want you, they will wait while you heal and take the steps needed to work on them. You won’t lose someone because you are putting your needs first. If you do, that person isn’t worth your effort.

My suggestion is to put R away for a bit. You can take it out and look at it, but no decisions for 6 months, maybe a year….hell longer if needed. You may know in your heart R is for you…but keep it tucked where you keep your hope.

Your spouse has healing to do as well. A few days after dday is no time to be spouting off how much they love and worship you, it is coming from a place of fear and denial. They obviously don’t know what they want because they took something precious and jeopardized it. Let them figure out and own their shit. Hold them accountable and watch their actions.

Feel your anger and sadness, walk through your triggers…and take care of you.

One day you will come to a fork in the road. It won’t be a frightening place to be. The road ahead will be a more obvious one because it comes from a healthy place and knowing which road works for you will be clear.

So take the time to put yourself first. When you have two people willing to re-commit after the hard work is done it is so much easier to navigate.

Disclaimer: These are myfeelings towards R, they don’t have to be yours .

ms521 posted 5/30/2013 12:14 PM

My suggestion is to put R away for a bit. You can take it out and look at it, but no decisions for 6 months, maybe a year….hell longer if needed.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Karma. I like all of it, but the above sticks to me - I think I'm making myself a little crazy over the fact that today looks the same as yesterday. And yesterday looks the same as last week. And this whole place looks a lot like where I was in 2007 after dday#2 with OW1. And here I am with OW2 and only the scenery has changed around me. Different house, bigger kids, and I am so tuned in to the idea that our rugsweeping of OW1 is probably what led us to this place, so I want to make sure we do it right this time. But the fact that today looks the same as yesterday makes me feel like we're not moving forward.

But life is still moving forward, and I'm stressed that we're going to end up stuck. But maybe if I put R on the shelf for minute and stop looking for R signs every hour of every day, I'll realize that R is moving forward too, just slowly. I might be in the same place I was yesterday, but I'm in a hell of a lot better place than I was 3 months ago.

Thanks for sharing.

karmahappens posted 5/30/2013 19:22 PM

I understand, want to fix it, make it all right. It doesn't really happen like that.

I can only fix me, it's a concept I had to come to terms with.

But when I did, I found in fixing me the rest fell into place and it allowed me to make choices that were right and healthy for me and my sitch.

:) just my 2 cents

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Althea posted 5/30/2013 19:35 PM

Thanks for this. I fully agree. I would add that for those of us who dive in trying to fix everything in the marriage there is a very real chance that we are robbing our WH's of the chance to fix themselves and robbing ourselves of the attention we need to be focusing on our own healing. By trying so hard to fix us, I ended up inadvertently giving my WH a free pass to blame shift, rug sweep and TT me to death. He only partially took part in MC and I was working so hard for both of us that I didn't even look up to realize it.

Once I got fed up, and stopped trying to fix us; and started focusing on my own healing things made a drastic change for the better. I would echo that shelving R in order to heal myself made actual R SO much easier once I was ready to commit to it.

Thanks for this

Tripletrouble posted 5/30/2013 21:32 PM

Great post. My question would be (5 weeks out from d day myself): how do you go about the logistics of living while working through the first 6 or so months? Under the same roof, going to work, raising the kids, paying the bills....I dont know how to keep going about the business of living while trying to heal and go forward. Every day I wake up and think I can't bear another day like this. MC is torture, and still trying to find the right IC after first one was a flop. This life reminds me of labor pains - you're barely through the agony of the last one and here comes the next one - every day is a labor pain.

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 05:52 AM

My question would be (5 weeks out from d day myself): how do you go about the logistics of living while working through the first 6 or so months?

It is overwhelming isn't it?

For me, I went about living and healing. He was in his own world at the time....I had hefty bagged his shit for a bit but he was home shortly after for lack of a place to live. I went through the daily routine, we still talked and handled the house together, but I didn't allow him or his trash to suck up my healing energy. I didn't try to "fix" him or "love" him back to me.

I went to work, went to IC, went out socially with a few friends and I faked it. I pretended like I had my shit together while I worked on me.Pretty much a version of the 180 but not completely detaching...but I did my best to emotionally detach, it was hard, so very hard. Again on days I thought I would crumble I pretended like everything would be ok. I knew in a small piece of my mind that I would be alright,S/D or R. Getting your heart there takes longer.

You know you will wonder and worry about where their heart is, if they are thinking about the OP, but you cannot control his thoughts or feelings.

I did set up rules for living together during that initial time, more like respect rules that I needed to survive.

He talked a good game of loving me, being remorseful etc etc etc...but I didn't hold onto that. I just knew I had to heal.

After a while (for us about 6 months) he had really done soul searching and dealt with his stuff (not done, but great work). He came to me and asked if I would R.

I knew it was ok and I knew it was time, because I wasn't afraid to be alone. I would fight with my life for my family, but I would not lose my self respect or myself.

I hope this makes I suck at getting what I think on paper.

The bottom line is take care of yourself first. The rest falls in line, it really does.

(((hugs))) you will get through this.

idiot85 posted 5/31/2013 06:30 AM

I hate that it all takes time- I want everything to be right- now.

I only felt like leaving for 1 week- not even that- maybe a few hours and pride made me stay away the week.

Karma- I'm asking because I don't know the answer (I'm not being clever and you know I take your advice)- am I wrong to feel like like I absolutely don't want to leave her and just want to help? I swear she's still amazing and beautiful to me and I can't imagine anyone else- I feel like she really is just broken but I'm compelled to help- as her husband I promised to stick by her no matter what- I know I need to work on myself at the same time am I wrong or doing something wrong? Is it possible to do both?

rachelc posted 5/31/2013 06:33 AM

great post and I'm with ms521 on this as well...
regarding the wanting to help, idiot, what can you do besides heal yourself? she needs to pull her own wagon.

idiot85 posted 5/31/2013 06:42 AM

I don't know rachelc- I wish I did mate- it's like watching a car crash sometimes.

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 06:52 AM

am I wrong to feel like like I absolutely don't want to leave her and just want to help?

Idiot, I love the love you have for your wife, I do.

You cannot fix her. period. Actually you are doing her a disservice for not letting her handle her own issues. She isn't glass, she won't break.

It's something you need to embrace now, trust me, letting people fall on their ass takes practice and you will need it with kids.

It's hard to watch but you are only helping YOUR feelings by jumping in to save her, you are not helping you see that?

You can support her healing, you can attend MC sessions with her, be her sounding board...

But this type of internal stuff is personal and only she can do it. I don't know her sitch or her source of pain, but I was pretty broken. My husband tried for years to help me but until I was faced with losing my family I didn't see the need to change.I didn't get I was broken....

It's a lot of work.Let her do it.

You think she is amazing now, but all you are seeing is her potential, let her become the woman she is supposed to be and it will knock your socks off, I promise.

(((hugs idiot)))

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 07:00 AM

You know what Idiot...think of it this way.

Say your wife was in an accident. Broke her leg, hip...whatever. In a cast for weeks and needed physical therapy to heal.

Would you go to therapy and carry her through the day just to protect her, knowing your "help" would mean she may never walk again? Or would you be standing next to her screaming support and "Go Sienna" with pom poms, bells and whistles on?

She has a broken inside, cheer her on. Get some bells and whistles, but don't carry her, damn it.

UKlady posted 5/31/2013 07:00 AM

karmahappens - it is helpful to get some perspective on R from someone who has been there. I'm still in relatively early days I guess (DDay was 3rd January 2013) and even now, when I look back on the first week after discovery I was blindly sure that I wanted R for both of us. Since then I've experienced some of the worst lows of my life (just over the last few days in fact) and been to places darker than ever before - even darker than when I was dealing with my father's death from cancer aged only 58.

But, with a few months behind us now, I know that I want to have full R with my WH but I'm also so very scared. Because I was absolutely convinced this would never happen to us - heck, we found out that our next door neighbour was having an affair in December 2012 and spent time with his BS and at that time I made him promise that he would never do the same to me and he said he wouldn't WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING EXACTLY THAT!! - because of this I am scared.

Do I trust him now? not yet. Have I forgiven him? not yet. Do I want to trust and forgive? oh so much but there has to be some self-preservation.

idiot85 - I feel your torment, I really do! And I believe that, although they may not deserve it, our truly remorseful WSs do need our support. They have to feel that there is something worth fighting for. Have you read - and asked your W to read - What every WS should know? I read that for the first time the other day and showed it to my H. It's very helpful - and sobering.

UKlady posted 5/31/2013 07:02 AM

You think she is amazing now, but all you are seeing is her potential, let her become the woman she is supposed to be and it will knock your socks off, I promise.

karmahappens - Wow!! That's such a good thing to hold onto!!

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 07:29 AM

Wow!! That's such a good thing to hold onto!!

Thanks definitely comes from a place of BTDT.

Hurtful painful places, that needed to be visited in order to heal.

I feel like I am on the other side of the bridge, feeling the sunlight and I just want people to be able to get across it....because the other side is so awesome.

And with that, I am not talking about R, I am talking about being broken and healing.

God knows I am not done, don't know if we ever get finished with all these lessons. I do know that taking care of me and becoming self aware has opened up the world to me.

I am sorry your husband betrayed you and caused this pain. Really getting through the fear and being in a place of safety and security within you is the one thing that will take that fear away.

Not that you won't care if R doesn't work, but it won't be a life ending event. You will know you will be ok and you will freely move on.

Ok, I am gonna shut up now...sorry

wert posted 5/31/2013 07:42 AM

karmahappens - Such a great post and your wisdom his greatly appreciated by me :)

I would add that I still struggle with what R is, let alone if I am truly engaged in it. All the more reason to turn to yourself first and foremost. It does not insulate you from pain, but it allows you the inner courage and worth to accept and work through it.

take care....

idiot85 posted 5/31/2013 07:48 AM

Karma- I knew I did the right thing asking, cheers mate I'm definitely going to hold onto that thought- those thoughts. I can do cheering- that is definitely something I can do.

It's OK to jump onto R a little? I want the sunshine...and... please don't shut up!!

UKlady- I've never read it- the Mrs probably has though. I'll read it now.

Every day's a school day.

Mikey56 posted 5/31/2013 09:22 AM


I have to disagree with something you said:

I hope this makes I suck at getting what I think on paper.

Your post is awesome and insightful. Just what I needed to hear today. If you think this doesn't make sense, I can't wait to read one that does.

Thank you!

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 10:02 AM

It's OK to jump onto R a little

You can jump when you are ready, it's a private journey.

I kinda figured you for an awesome cheerleader, you will be a great support Idiot!

And Mikey56, Thank you, That was very nice of you to say.

sri624 posted 5/31/2013 12:04 PM

this is such a great post. thank you for starting it karma. you know, i wish i would have read this kind of a post when i first discovered my husband had an affair a few years ago. i wish i would have been emotionally strong enough to "take my time" as you suggest and take care of me. i was so afraid of losing him...and my marriage that i took him back the first time....for all the wrong reasons. not only was i not healing myself in a healthy way...but the attempt at r came from a bad place...and 9 months later, i discovered i was in false r.

now, we are attempting r....and i think both of us are really doing the work. i dont feel as though we are in r yet because i have not yet reached that place where i feel safe. yes, we live together....go to mc, ic...and he is clean and sober...but we are not in r....just attempting it. i will be in r when i know that the hard work has been done, and that we have reconciled from a healthy place....where i know in my heart that my decision to stay with him was the best for me....and that i want to really, truly give my marriage another shot....."all in."

i am not there yet. it is a day by day process...full of heartwrenching discussions with my husband alone or in mc...trying to accept the realities of his infedelities....and allowing him to try his best to reestablish trust. this is not something that can happen in a few weeks...or even months.

i tried to do that before...and it only made things worse.

there is a reason why they say that it can take 2-5 years to heal from this. i believe it.

thanks for posting.

karmahappens posted 5/31/2013 12:29 PM

i was so afraid of losing him...and my marriage that i took him back the first time....

This ^^^ exactly my point.

You can be afraid to lose your M or your spouse, yup, wouldn't be normal if you weren't.

But the key is you have to let that fear sit, as uncomfortable as it is, until you are healed enough to make a decision not BASED on fear.

We are at 5.5 years sri, I was definitely on the 5 year plan. MOST of my issues cleared in year 5. Not magically, but it seemed that way. Almost as if one day everything just clicked.

Good luck (((hugs)))

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