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Disturbedbassist posted 5/30/2013 12:36 PM

I have a situation I want to get some input on, you guys have been awesome up to this point during R.

A bit of back story: I have been working on R with the wife for 3+ months now - D-Day was in early February. OM was a coworker of hers. She requested NC but he had a problem respecting that. He would show up at her work location randomly (they were in the same company but different locations) and try to talk to her. He even went as far as leaving a note professing his undying love for her. As part of R she made the decision on her own to quit her job. This was about 1 month in to R. My wife was completely transparent throughout the whole situation and even gave me the note. I could tell she was serious about R based on her work in counseling and efforts at home with me. Her response to the letter was another clue to me about her sincerity to R. She laughed and pointed out how pathetic he sounded (truthfully his writing level was child-like).

So 2 months go by, we have been working on R diligently in counseling and at home. Things are actually better now than they ever were between her and I. We are members of a 12 step fellowship and have been going to a group regularly for years. The program and our friends in it have supported us throughout our R.

Two weeks ago OM texted her and told her he has been going to meetings (WW said he really did need them). There are a lot of meetings in my area but in his text he said that he wanted to come to the meeting that we go to regularly. He has not shown for the last two weeks (We heard from friends that he has been going elsewhere) but we have had this hanging over our heads every time we go.

The whole thing is really conflicting. I'm not worried about my WW contacting him at the meeting, she has no interest in being with him. It just really sucks to think about seeing him there or elsewhere (we go to fellowship functions). I have put effort into forgiving him but I don't know if I will ever be ok interacting with him on a regular basis. The thought makes me feel as sick as I did when I found out about the A.

The only solution I see is to find a way to deal with him. Even if I were to stop going to that meeting I would eventually run into him somewhere. 12 step programs are small worlds, even with a lot of meetings to choose from. It seems like I have to try to find a way to deal with the strong possibility of running into him. Any suggestions would be helpful.

[This message edited by Disturbedbassist at 12:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 5/30/2013 12:44 PM

Broevil and I are in the same situation. She actually met her OM at meetings. We completely walked away from our network and our area. We go to meetings now in another town, many times out of state, but we still make 2-3 meetings a week each. It has been a struggle "starting over" in a new area. I miss my old friends. But it is worth not having that anxiety of wondering if he is going to walk in. And someday he may, its not that far away. But far enough away to be unlikely.

Disturbedbassist posted 5/30/2013 12:46 PM

I've really thought about doing that. Do you guys still go to functions? It would be really hard to give those up. :(

AFrayedKnot posted 5/30/2013 13:07 PM

Anything specific to that area yes we did give up. We still go to functions in neighboring areas, regional functions, and state functions. *knocking on wood* we haven't run into him yet.

Disturbedbassist posted 5/30/2013 13:25 PM

Its going to be hard for us to do that unfortunately. My wife and I both have commitments to the area we are in. Also, we helped start the group we are a part of. I feel like we would be "chased out" of something we care about a lot if we stopped going. It feels like a damned if we do damned if we don't situation.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/30/2013 13:35 PM

I totally understand. I tried to stay in the area and did so for about 7-8 months and did not run into him. Every meeting I went to was a near panic attack watching the door to see who walks in. It was excruciating. And I got little from the meetings anyway.

About 8 months after Dday it finally happened. We ran into him. That night was the first time in 9 years that I was about to get high again. A friend sat up with me most of the night. For the next month I woke up every morning with the taste of metal in my mouth from dreaming about blowing my brains out.

I was not going to go through that again.

That was just my experience.

Getting involved and meeting new people in the new areas has actually had a lot of good points.

Disturbedbassist posted 5/30/2013 13:54 PM

Man, I can understand what you mean. I felt the same way when I found out about all of this. I need to do some serious thinking about this. The last thing I want to do is use again.

AFrayedKnot posted 5/30/2013 13:56 PM

Feel free to PM me anytime

Knowing posted 5/30/2013 23:14 PM

Don't let fear drive you out of meetings. Even if he does meetings, chances are he won't be around for long, especially with what seems like an excuse to see your WS. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by Knowing at 11:16 PM, May 30th, 2013 (Thursday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 5/30/2013 23:55 PM

Is it possible that he told he was interested in going to meetings that she goes to as another desperate ploy to try and talk to her? It could be that he is going to meetings elsewhere because of her lack of response. Or, if she ignored him completely at these meetings, that he would realize she isn't interested and find another tail to chase?

I say stand your ground.

Disturbedbassist posted 5/31/2013 11:04 AM

My first thought when she showed me the text was that he was trying to contact my fWW again but after talking it over with her it seems that he really did have a problem. My impression is that he might be actually trying to get help for his issues which is good I guess.

The meeting was last night and he again didn't show. I was able to talk with my wife before going and we both are leaning towards staying. If he shows up we will deal with it. I think he would feel uncomfortable at the meeting anyway because it is mostly made up of our friends who have been supportive of my wife and I in our situation. They have all stated that they would be nice to him but would hold us accountable to our R (kind of unnecessary, we feel like we are strong enough as a team now but it makes me feel better)

We discussed a plan and how we would react to the situation and I feel a lot less worried about the possibility of him showing up. If either of us felt uncomfortable we would both walk out of the meeting. She and I agreed that we would not chair the meeting so that we would not affect the meeting if we got up and left halfway through. She said that she was not interested in interacting with him so if he showed up she would stick near me or a friend and give him the cold shoulder.

After thinking about it I realized that I have a choice. I can either run from this or face it. I am strong enough to face him, and really he is just some scumbag. He is nothing to me. My wife's relationship with him had more to do with what was going on between me and her and her warped decision-making at the time than it had anything to do with what he did. I feel like she used him to escape from our marriage problems instead of dealing with them (hurts but I have come to accept that as something that happened). Based on what she told me at the beginning of R, if it wasn't him my wife would have found someone else. All of this really hurt when I first heard about it but through some work on myself and putting effort into the relationship I have come to accept this. After several in depth conversations I realized what she said means more than it appears. She really didn't care about him on a deep level. I'm not sure its the same for everyone but this whole situation has really brought on a sense of security in my marriage I have never felt. We will see if that changes though, I am going to be taking it one day at a time.

[This message edited by Disturbedbassist at 11:13 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

wahoo8895 posted 5/31/2013 12:05 PM

I also know where you are coming from. FWW and OM were in the same running club and same marathon training program (that is how they met). When the A ended in Feb 2010, OM dropped out of the club.

Flash forward to December 2012. By now, FWW has moved up to being a pace coach in the club's winter marathon training program. Guess who signs up? yep, OM (although he was in a different pace group). He came to a couple of workouts but mostly skipped them. He corners her at the water station to talk. She answers him cooly but politely (and tells me everything he said).

Fast forward to this May. FWW is coaching the summer marathon program and, yep again, OM signs up (again in a slower pace group). They have had no conversations so far (she has no interest in initiating any).

She asked me whether she should quit the program. I told her that I did not want her or I to live in fear of OM or let him dictate how we live our lives. Yes, FWW fucked up big time. But I will be god damned if I let OM have any further control over our lives. He lived rent free in my head for long enough. I'm not going to alter my lifestyle or FWW's lifestyle because his fat ass decides to join the same program.

Does it piss me off that he is back? Yes, but FWW and I have talked about it alot and I am very confident that she wants nothing to do with him. And we need to live our lives on our terms. Does it make it any easier? Maybe a little.

Of course, easy for me to say 3 years out. I'm sure had this been 6 months out, I'd probably be saying something different.

Disturbedbassist posted 5/31/2013 14:50 PM

Thank you very much for your reply. This all has been very conflicting. I feel the same way. Why should I let this guy ruin my life? It is a bit unnerving but I'm sure that it will get better. Of course if it doesn't and he is around more often I could always change my mind about it. The good thing is that my wife is supporting me on this. She seems to be firmly in my corner at the moment.

Skan posted 5/31/2013 17:59 PM

Can you not go to the facilitators of this 12-step program, explain the problem, and ask that they they tell the OM that he needs to go to another program? Or, if they arn't willing to do that, see if you can explore an RO to keep him away from you two?

AFrayedKnot posted 5/31/2013 18:09 PM

Skan- no that is not ethical. He has as much right to seek help as anyone else. It is against the traditions (rules) of 12 step fellowships.

Later posted 6/1/2013 04:45 AM

Sounds pretty clear to me that he is using this as a pretext to see her. Does he know that you know about the A?

Have you ever spoken to him?

Disturbedbassist posted 6/1/2013 11:20 AM

When my W broke it off with him, she told him that I found out. It's hard to say if this is a ploy to see her. So far it has not been.

Rebreather posted 6/1/2013 12:46 PM

While I understand the desire to stand your ground, APs really should not have contact with one another. It could very well derail your recovery. I know you feel like she is stronger now, and she likely is, but I still think it is very dangerous for them to be in the same room, working some kind of recovery program where people share thoughts and feelings and vulnerability. Not a good idea. At all.

If he showed up, I would probably meet with him outside to lay out some consequences were he to stay. If it didn't work, I woudl find another meeting.

Disturbedbassist posted 6/5/2013 10:03 AM

Thats a very interesting suggestion. I had not considered talking to him. I will talk to my W about that and see how she feels.

As far as leaving the meeting. I think my W and I are willing to do it if he makes a regular appearance there. We are going to just see where it goes.