Quite a few people cautioned me that the 2nd DDay anniversary would be even more emotional than the 1st anniversary.
It's not. It's a Great Big Nothing, actually. I'm still married, despite my best efforts to divorce this perverted asshole & move on with my life. I feel like I've been living my life in limbo hell for two years. Have spent in the five figure range for atty fees to protect myself & the kids from STBX's repeated psychotic behavior. Have spent close to ten grand for a parenting evaluation. Have doled out thousands of dollars on mental health professionals for me & the kids. Have been trying unsuccessfully to re-enter the workforce. Have a dream of going back to college to get into a career that would help me survive without STBX at all, but I don't know if that will happen due to I still don't know how much CS and SS STBX will be forced to pay.
I've learned that it is expected to lie on the witness stand during a divorce trial, and apparently it's no big deal. I've learned that every single gut feeling I've had regarding STBX and what he was up to was spot on. Every "bizarre" notion I had, every 'you're just being paranoid" thought shared, every prediction I've made has come true about STBX - so I've learned I can & should trust my gut & instincts from this point forward. I've learned you cannot do anything legally to prevent your children from being harmed by a mentally ill parent, you can only be reactive & do damage control after the harm has already happened.
I've learned a lot about myself. I've raised my self-esteem from the depths of hell to a fairly elevated & healthy level. I've been able to reach out & help people IRL by lending them an ear or a hand to hold as they went through something difficult. I've learned I have value and am a worthwile person. I've learned that people CAN see me and the goodness within me.
I'm hoping the divorce will be finalized some time this summer. We've already had one trial date that lasted all day (divorcing an angry NPD is hell, people, sheer hell), with another date coming up soon.
I don't know what my future holds. I only know that I'm not letting STBX limit me or the kids any longer. With each passing day he become less & less of a factor in my life. I feel myself walking out from his shadow. The warmth of the sun feels good on my face. A life well-lived will be all the sweeter for the depths of hell he dragged me down to. I'm choosing to look back & bless the pain & devastation, because only then can I be free of it. Just as my old dysfunctional coping skills & thought patterns don't serve me in my new life, wallowing in STBX's cesspool doesn't serve me any longer, either. I just want to move forward.