Hello all of you out there that are doing the hard work of R. I just wanted to share my story with you all today, as it is my 21st Wedding Anniversary.
My H and I have been together for 27 years, started dating as kids in High School. Felt like we had a great relationship, and were each others soul mates....
About 5and1/2 years ago my H started acting weird, he was unhappy with just about everything in his life. He hated his job, hated that he didn't have the time to do what HE wanted to do, hated that I didn't keep a perfect house, it went on and on. What was really going on? Depression, and a Mid Life Crisis.
About 5 years ago he lands his dream job. A VP of sales, and he is making more money than ever, and he seems to start to turn around a bit. He seemed happy with his work at least, of course I was still the worlds worst housekeeper, and had now become a bad mom, mind you I was working a job that required at least 50 hours a week out of me, and had two small kids. He was doing nothing to help. His new job involved him traveling to another Midwest City for several days every week. He also quit calling to say goodnight to me and the kids while he was out of town, and when he was home, he frequently found reasons to not be at home, working out, riding his motorcycle, going hunting, whatever. I felt like he was running away from us all the time. I kept asking him what was wrong, he would say nothing, I'm fine. I deserve to do these things for myself. He had lost about 25 pounds, was constantly grooming. I knew something was up, but couldn't find anything.
That year on our annual 4th of July party while finishing cleaning, I find a pamphlet in his work bag for a group of D attorney's. I confront him, and he says don't worry, I was so unhappy and such a beast to be around I thought maybe You would be better off without me. Of course I fell apart, and cried, and had to put on a happy face for the party. Even thinking on it now I get sick to my stomach.
I even asked him are you having an affair? Do you want out? If you do show me some respect and ask. Nope, I get the I was messed up in my head for a while, but I am better now....
This BS of him being awful to me, went on all summer, and into September. I kept asking him to go to MC, he kept refusing. His trips to the other city were getting longer, he had password protected his phone (told me he had to for work blah blah blah). The end of September the housing market hits the crapper, and the economy tanks....He looses his dream job. Now he is unemployed, unhappy with me, and very depressed. He has to get on my phone plan. I get the bill emailed to me at work at the end of the month, low and behold there are thousands of texts to and from one specific number, and it's in the city where he's been going. BINGO!!!! I know now, my suspicions are confirmed, I call the number, it goes straight to VM. I do a reverse look up and find a name. I'm confused now. It's a D attorney in the other city. WTH? I ask him that night whose number is this? He tells me it's his friend the son in law of the owner of the company. I asked him to show me his phone, yup it's under his name....Hmmm. I dig through his phone, nothing incriminating. We go to bed. I get up and go through the phone again, and find pic's of another woman. BINGO!!!
I wake him up, and I say I know you are having an A, you need to fess up now or I am done. He does, he tells me everything. He was amazed that I could tell him the Date it started, his personality change was so drastic. I told him, and had made up my mind that if he wanted to try R I would but I had some rules for it. We sent an NC email the following morning, and we went on an out of town trip that weekend (had been planned months in advance). He is very honest with me all weekend, answers all my questions, not hiding his phone, tells me he's sorry etc. I think hey we are gonna get through this.
He got off to a rough start she kept contacting him, and he would respond. There was a hidden cell phone, and 2 secret meet ups after we started R. I knew he was still NC by his anger and frustration every time I checked his phone or his email, and computer history. Welcome Keylogger. I nail him in about 24 hours. I leave work come home, and hand him the email. His jaw hits the floor. I hand him my wedding ring, and tell him to get some clothes, and go. He doesn't argue, he just starts doing what I have asked, quietly with tears streaming down his cheeks, I was so furious, and so done I didn't cry. I was prepared. I had seen an Attorney prior to DDay, I knew what would happen if we D'd, and I knew I'd be ok.
He's about to leave and he literally colapses boo hoo snot running down his face cant breath crying. He gets it, he really really gets it. I tell him he can stay but this is the way it's gonna go. I was very hard on him. Reestablished NC with this evil homewrecker, that had an MO of doing this with men in Mid life crisis. He starts doing the hard work of R. We went to MC about 3 times. He has figured out what was broken within himself. Why he chose to escape. He was not working during the first 7 months of our R, and was able to really focus on us. I think that was what helped us really heal.
Sure we had arguments, and it took me more than a year to quit snooping on a daily basis. It took another year for me to reach the point where I felt like I could forgive him, and I did, and it was a very good thing for me. It allowed me to let go of the hate of the OW, and the anger that still occasionally crept into my mind.
So now here we are, healed and happier than ever. do I trust him, yes I do. I also know that if that ugly personality rears it's head again, I am done, and I will be just fine without him. I chose to stay for a number of reasons, but the reason I continued to stay, and fight was because I really did,do Love him.
He is one lucky SOB, and he says that. He also appreciates me, and my house, well it's just clean enough that DFS doesn't come take my kids and he never complains about it, the laundry or what type of Mom I am, and he says I do an awesome job being a wife, mother, full time Care Manager RN.
We are happier now than we ever were, and it's because we have been able to reconnect at a much deeper level, and have the scars that got us here.
WS's that are trying, remember that when you heal yourself it will allow your relationship to heal, and your BS to heal as well.
BS's that have WS's that are really trying, keep the faith. It takes time, hard work, time, patiencence, love, and more hard work, but it is sooo worth it in the end.
((((and strength ))))