Topic: my wife wants space
Member # 39400
| Posted: 4:38 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013|
so I am going threw a really bad patch with my wife things have bin up and down but gotten better as of late until recently I found out she has a guy friend I was told that some one seen her kissing the guy and she admitted that when she was drunk she kissed him and flirted alittle but the she dose not have a on going relationship with this person but that she needs space from me for awhile she has also made a point of saying that she wants thing to work out ad want to keep our family together but the I must make some changes in order for it to get better over the last 5 days she has spent a lot of time drinking and visiting she has told members of her family about this and never told me and now when I found out about it all she says is I need space give me space I so confuse because she still hugs and kisses me and she still tells me she loves me and that she wants us to be together but she needs space so confuse
Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37437
| Posted: 4:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013|
I very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hate to say it but her "I need space" means she wants more freedom to see this other guy. I know you love her and its hard to accept but sounds like she it detaching (or already has) from you. She wants you to stay at home and take care of the everyday life things while she goes out and parties. She is using you. Don't play the game she is. Either she wants to work on her marriage with you or she doesn't. If she won't commit to you then you need to decide how you are going to protect yourself. Both physically (STD's?) and financially.
Others will be along to give more advice. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates
Posts: 1057 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 11176
| Posted: 4:51 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013|
^^^^^^^^ this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.
Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 38913
| Posted: 1:53 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013|
I hate to say it but her wanting space means she wants to see where it goes with this OM.. She is telling you she loves you so that you can be there as fall back
BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R
Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 30826
| Posted: 2:00 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013|
SHE cheated..but YOU need to make some changes in order for things to get better???
The "space" she wants is so she can continue to fuck other men.
You need to either hard 180 or file.
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 14519 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 38975
| Posted: 2:12 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013|
Look up the 180 in the healing library. She needs to make a decision and stop treating you like an option.
She wants the best of both worlds
Set your boundaries for your own sake.
Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it.
This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.
Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing
This place is just full of very kind and caring people.
Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou
Posts: 2506 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36654
| Posted: 2:23 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013|
Don't give priority to someone that only considers you an option. Think about it....She doesn't want space, she wants to see other men. She is broken and you can't fix her. You need to let her have her space from now on, without you. You are not an option!!!!
BS-54 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
Posts: 7778 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 39374
| Posted: 5:19 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013|
I have been exactly where you are right now, and in the case of my ex wife wanting space, meant that she wanted to screw other men, while using me for money.
"Wanting space", is WS code for "I want to see other people".
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but please step back and look hard at what is really going on within your marriage.
You are not at fault. But, you have a choice to make. Either tell her that she is committed to making your marriage work, or she isn't.
If she is, then she is with you and you have full transparency.
If she continues to want her space, then pack her stuff up, set it outside, change the locks and seek a lawyer for divorce proceedings.
Do not let her walk all over you.
Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 38509
| Posted: 9:01 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
If it were me, I'd give her space.......indefinitely.
Me - fBS
Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 33574
| Posted: 10:34 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
You have been given some excellent advice thus far in this thread. I strongly suggest that you take it.
Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Central Pennsylvania
Member # 35975
| Posted: 12:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Not suggesting this... But... I wish I would have let my wife " be on her own for a while to figure things out".
I wouldn't have felt like a door mat for the time it took her to end things with him.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: California
Member # 38405
| Posted: 3:53 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
Divorce that bitch... She wants space so she can have sex with him and see if their relationship will develop. Se is keeping you around as an option and a back up plan if things don't work out. You are worth more than that.
File for divorce while she is still foggy and hopefully you won't have to pay her alimony or anything like that. If you wait for her to make up her mind, she may file before you and try to take money from you. She may file for divorce so she can be with her new guy. FUCK THAT BITCH
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 3:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!
Posts: 679 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 21101
| Posted: 4:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013|
You will find lots of folks with good advice here. Some are quite blunt with their thoughts and suggestions, others share what they went through so you can see how things went for them, and draw similarities.
There is a Library up there on the left side of your screen. Start reading the info in there. This will give you an idea of how to deal with this, and start to come to terms with her infidelity.
It sounds like you were the last to know, and that is usually the case. You need to sit down and figure out what you want and what you need. I would strongly suggest you see an attorney as soon as possible, she has abandonded her home, and her spouse, you don't want to be financially responsible for her while she keeps you as her back up plan.
I would also suggest you get yourself in therapy. WS's have a way of manipulating and tearing down your self esteem, and she is trying to do that, by telling you that she wants to stay but you need to make changes. Um NO. She is a grown woman, and madethe decision herself to cheat. This has nothing to do with you and you could not have influenced her decision in any way.
Cheaters cheat because they are broken, usually depressed, and have crappy boundaries. She needs to be open and honest with you, in addition she needs to figure out what's broken in herself and how to fix it, without these few things Reconciling is never going to be successful.
Hang in there, take care of yourself as you are probably reeling. Implement the 180. See a lawyer, and last but not least make an appointment to get tested for STD's.
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Posts: 12526 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38509
| Posted: 12:28 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013|
Divorce that bitch... She wants space so she can have sex with him
Bumped for truth. This is EXACTLY why she wants space.
Me - fBS
Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
|Topic Posts: 14|