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Update from Sazerac.

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Sazerac posted 5/30/2013 18:17 PM

I've been here before and I've allowed my situation to get steadily worse.

I've trickle truth about my infidelity with three separate women. The truth finally came out about the last one a few weeks ago. My BW had a feeling that I was lying to her, and I finally couldn't stand the guilt anymore, so I told her.

Because I've never come clean about anything before, my BW feels that I have more to tell, which isn't the case.

My abusive behavior is making things worse. I've transitioned from verbal and emotional abuse to borderline physical abuse.

I lose my mind at the drop of a hat; I simply snap. I wasn't abused, and I have no reason to be angry.

To add fuel to the fire, I have a hard time posting on SI. I have a hard time knowing what to say and how to say it.

My BW (Juki) has been extremely patient ad has tried to help with by suggesting I read books and the forum; I've resisted. In fact I haven't really accomplished anything.

After reading this post, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say.

I know I'm an abuser. I know I'm no longer involved with anyone, in any way, nor have I been for decades.

I know I don't want to disappoint my S or hurt my BW anymore.

I'm in IC, but I know I need more help.

Sazerac posted 5/30/2013 18:33 PM

I was not truthful in my first post. I am physically abusive and it's been getting worse over the past year or so.

I've been trying to accept responsibility for my behavior which has caused my BW an intense amount of pain and both of us an enormous amount of money.

I lasted about a week, maybe two before I snapped. My normal gap between outbursts is usually a few days, so I actually though I was starting to understand how to manage my anger.

I was wrong and my BW has paid the price,again.

wifehad5 posted 5/30/2013 18:48 PM


What are you hoping to gain by this update? It looks like you haven't taken any of the previous advice you've received and are getting worse.

Sazerac posted 5/30/2013 19:07 PM


I'm really not sure what I'm trying to gain. At this point, I think I'm just trying to get over my aversion to posting.

I understand that people have tried to help me in the past. My problem is that I have a hard time interpreting what people are saying.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/30/2013 19:31 PM

Maybe I need an interpretation. Are you saying you're hitting your wife? Is that correct?

If you truly want to stop, then stay the hell away from her. I assumed from your and Juki's previous posts that you were not living together. Has that changed?

IDK if she'll read this, but I hope she calls the police. Or at least goes to and calls the domestic abuse hotline for support.

BaxtersBFF posted 5/30/2013 20:05 PM

Hey saz, I'll just say it...physical abuse is unacceptable in all cases and I hope juki is able to keep safe away from you.

So, aside from all the various things that need to be worked on, I would say that the physical abuse is the number one priority that you should be working on. You admit doing it. What are you doing about it? Does it feel good when you do it? What is the pattern? What is the source?

Sazerac posted 5/30/2013 20:30 PM


Besides a day or two here and there, Juki and I have always lived together.

There was a time last Summer when I was in our apartment for a short while, but our time apart was never lasted.

I don't hit my wife, but I definitely get in her face. I've yelled loudly in her ear and made threatening gestures. At one point, I pulled a knife from the butcher block.

I'm ashamed of my behavior but I continue to abuse.

Sazerac posted 5/30/2013 20:41 PM

Baxter's BFF

The physical abuse comes on so fast that I don't really know what it feels like when it's happening.

Before hand, I can feel myself getting agitated Afterwards, I feel like a weight has been lifted from y shoulders; like a release of negative energy.

I usually freak out when my W says something that shows that she doesn't trust me.

I understand why she doesn't trust me: I've lied and cheated, but I still feel attacked when she questions me.

I feel stupid and get so frustrated because I know I haven't done anything, and I feel so bad for the things I've done.

In retrospect, I have no reason to get angry and I agree,violence of any sort is not acceptable.

I'm ashamed of my behavior and am now very worried that I can no longer control my anger.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/30/2013 20:42 PM

You said you've been physically abusive, but now you're backpedaling and saying you yell and make threatening gestures. Yelling and making gestures is an asshole move, but it isn't physical abuse in my book. So, what exactly are you doing to physically abuse her?

Pulled a knife and did what with it? How many feet or inches away from her, was the knife?

Look, I've done hurtful stuff to my BH and it's hard to admit. Posting about it has helped me come to terms with it. Tell the truth.

jo2love posted 5/30/2013 21:53 PM

Sazerac - I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart and as someone who has screamed for help in a past relationship. You need to get help. Juki needs to get help. Have you told your IC about your anger?

This is not a safe or healthy situation. Please think of her safety. Do you have a relative or friends you can stay with? How about going to an in (or out) patient anger management therapy program?

[This message edited by jo2love at 10:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Unagie posted 5/30/2013 22:05 PM

You want it to be better? Stop being selfish and stay the hell away from her. I don't care how badly you love each other or want to be together the second it turns abusive its more then toxic it's deadly. Abusers do not stop without a lot of help, they escalate. You pulled a knife on her but did nothing with it? What happens next time you feel the urge to pull that knife? Also I call bullshit on you saying that all you do is yell and make threatening gestures. I think you do more or you would not have described it as being physically abusive. I also call bullshit on the whole I don't know its about to happen. That's a copout to not take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility and let Juki go. There is no reason she should be suffering not only emotional devastation but physical abuse as well.

Aubrie posted 5/30/2013 23:14 PM

Saz, I'm gonna pile on here.

You need way more help than what the forum can give you at this point. Pulling a knife, screaming, and assaulting people in anger is not going to be fixed with a few SI posts. You need serious treatment. Like yesterday.

Get the help you desperately need.

rachelc posted 5/31/2013 08:21 AM

....adding to what everyone else is saying: if you love your wife, leave her while you get some help. It will enable her to gain some perspective as well..

Sazerac posted 5/31/2013 10:55 AM

I was about three feet away from her with the knife and from what I can remember, I was pretty upset and making stabbing actions in another direction. I could be wrong; that's what I remember.

I have grabbed my W while in a rage and pulled her to the ground. I often end up grabbing on to her when she's holding something that I think she's going to throw. The other day, I jumped on the bed and hurt her ankle while I was beating the mattress and yelling in her ear.

We have two houses that each can stay at. No family in the area.

I'm in IC and have mentioned my anger, but I didn't get into details. I have an appointment on Tues next week and will make sure I tell my counsellor everything. I'm going to ask about a group therapy program and whether or not I should be seeing someone who specializes in AM.

It's not a safe situation. I'm out of control when it comes to my BW questioning me or when she suggests I post on SI.

[This message edited by Sazerac at 11:03 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

MissesJai posted 5/31/2013 11:04 AM

oh man. your post is making me so angry. How dare you do this to her after everything you've put her through??????? Stay the hell away from Juki. Let her go. Let her heal and be safe. She is NOT safe with you. You need serious help. The abuse is only going to escalate and the end result will be tragic.

Aubrie posted 5/31/2013 11:08 AM

What is your plan to ensure the safety of your wife and children till your IC appointment? Is your IC a specialist with AM?

What happens if you blow up over the weekend?

Btw, it doesn't matter if you were 3 or 30 feet away from her when you were waving the knife around. The point is, you pulled a knife. In anger. At your spouse. Who you're supposed to be protecting.

And if you can't remember things in your anger fits, how are you sure you "pulled" her into the floor? How are you sure you didn't shove her? How are you sure you didn't hurt her? Why is touching her in anger ok in the first place?

Don't minimize what you're doing. Don't try to make what you're doing less dangerous than what it really is.

You have a problem. Get out and get help. Don't just post about it. DO it.

Sazerac posted 5/31/2013 11:10 AM


I'm listening.

I know I need help and what little I've done to date hasn't been working.

I thought I was starting to get it, but I quickly snapped and went right back into my old pattern.

Despite my actions, I'm concerned for Juki as well.

Unagie posted 5/31/2013 11:10 AM

Then leave. No sweet words or kindness here. Leave. You had a knife in your hand I don't care if you were across the room you were angry and grabbed a weapon. What would have happened if she had closed the distance between you? Or pushed you further? Or was that the point, get her to shut up by threatening her? You must get to a healthy place without Juki being there. Her safety is paramount. You were hitting the bed she was in and yelling in her ear but you have no clue how it happened. You have vague memories of your violence. If this is true I say again, leave. Leave before you go into a rage and do something you don't remember that causes her even more harm. My SO ended up punching walls one day while we were fighting and throwing things. I've never seen him so pissed off. I was out of tbe house for over a month 1 week after that happened. I still have a vivid memory of that rage and he didn't put his hands on me. If he ever did anything you mentioned I'd be gone, I would not look back. No one deserves the abuse you are giving Juki. Leave. She needs time to heal without an abusive partner in the picture. Nothing turns me off 2 people reconciling quicker than abuse. It speaks of issues that go much further then the infidelity. Leave. Please for her sake and safety, leave.

stilllovinghim posted 5/31/2013 11:46 AM

You're reaching out. That's a huge step. You're acknowledging you have a problem, several quite frankly, and those are HUGE! Admitting you've lied, on your own good conscience? Maybe. Admitting you've lied out of fear of the consequenses of your BS? Quite possibly. Only you know.

The fact though, no matter how you wanna dress it up, is you're reaching out. Unfortunately, we're not pros here regarding domestic violence. Your wife needs help, as do you. Saz, you are ALWAYS welcome here. Don't let yourself talk you out of posting. Even if all you can give is a knock-knock joke, do it! You never know what can unravel.

What has me concerned also & I'm not sure if this has been approached yet, is how you got to the point where you're at now. Were you abused as a child? Did you witness abuse as a child? I feel that you must have at some terrible point and I just want so say, "I'm sorry. I'm so terribly, deeply sorry. You're worth all the love in the world and you never deserved this." I would wrap that child up in the biggest hug and take him far away from all that hatefullness. I just want you, Sazerac, to know that if no one else has. Please work on yourself. One doesn't give the opportunity to reach out much in life. I know the feeling and it's easier to draw back and never reach out again. Keep reaching and maybe one day Juki will reqch back. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:50 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

MissesJai posted 5/31/2013 12:00 PM

I'm concerned for Juki as well.
then leave her alone and get the help you so desperately need. Yes, she needs help as well but this isn't about her. This is about you. What are you doing to work on you? What have you done? You say you thought you got it - how did you come to this conclusion?

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