Aubrie84:
If I am only allowed to choose between those two options, then I am definitely more in the "acceptance from members" camp right now. I have felt as though I'm at a stable place in my development where I am needed to help Heart heal more, though this recent "adult temper tantrum" has me concerned that my Narcissistic tendencies are at it again.
Perhaps this marks the next step of needing to discover the roots of my "need for acceptance/attention from a social community" issues, because it's currently concerning Heart and myself that I am acting in this way.
I find myself best-prepared and -equipped to deal with the Waywards who come in here and whinge, as I did when I first came here. Since I have personal experience in that regard, I feel myself relatively capable of being assertive at swinging that specific 2x4, and, of late, there hasn't been a great deal of call for that particular tool.
The thing is that this flies right in the face of Buddhist philosophy, too, in that I am placing an overabundant amount of significance (attachment) on something that is, ultimately, trivial (social acceptance among peers). It's also, somewhat ironically, the basis about which I mentioned the specific 2x4 from earlier: that of "why isn't this about me (on some level)?"
While I can accept that I'm much better about this sort of pull than I used to be, I must acknowledge that my expectations of being "accepted" do not match the reality of the situation, nor was this even a situation that was designed to even come close to those expectations. The goal here is not to crown a King of the Mountain, but rather to help those who come to seek it, and offer aid to those who need it. As Heart said (paraphrased), "No one appreciates the class clown at a funeral."
By contrast, Heart comes here with no such pretenses and no such expectations of success in a social way, and she manages to earn high praise and accolades (in my opinion) for the work and contributions she offers. I suppose this is just another of those "interesting" Catch-22s life has to offer: the harder one tries to be appreciated, the less those around him are apt to appreciate the attempts, and vice versa.
I see now that my high expectations of my own contributions are also leading to several pitfalls in this same vein. I have already admitted to not posting when I feel I have nothing additional to add, which, in thinking about it, does defeat the purpose of humbly admitting that, "yes, I have been where you are, and I have had those problems, too."
I needed another dose of humility, and I think I have received it. If no one else was prepared to swing the 2x4, I will swing it at myself.