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Telling the other BS: regrets anyone?

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/30/2013 19:52 PM

I am in conflict about telling the husband of the OW.

I know most on SI say tell. I'm with all of you; i agree with all of the reasons.

And I'm also on the side of why bring such devastation to this man. He didn't do anything to me; he only has the misfortune of marrying a person who cheated. He seems like a good man. I know i didn't do the deed, but I do have the power to protect him from the awful pain everyone here is going through. It feels horrible to be the person who tips his life in possibly a horribly painful direction; i just can't seem to do it and yet i feel i should and I want her not to get away with it. But is what i'm doing really kind? To tell? Did I wish I had known. Yes, I remember feeling that at first. Now, in my unusual situation, i wish I'd never known. I think **.

So anyone tell other BS and have a painful experience, regret it in some way? Anyone do it face to face? Anyone struggle with my issues?

My attorney said essentially Don't do anything with fire when consequences are unknown. He/she are upstanding citizens from all basic indicators, so unless he snaps violence should not be an issue. So i'm not that concerned. I AM concerned about being the person to BRING the pain, the messenger. Fine line.

jellybean22 posted 5/30/2013 20:27 PM

I have not told OW's fiancé. I hate that I haven't. But I also don't want to. And I do worry about him physically coming after WH.

Most of all though, I just want to be done with her and everything related to her. I don't want to think about her, talk about her, hear her name. I've gotten all the answers I've wanted and WH is in NC. I just want to close the OW chapter.

Conflicted1 posted 5/30/2013 20:29 PM

In our first dday the OW husband called me. I was thankful because I really didnt have a clue. I hadn't noticed any signs or if I did I found ways to dismiss them. We emailed back and forth maybe twice after that. I wrote an email to the OW and cc'd my WH and her husband making sure the damage done was clear and then we all stopped all contact with that final communication from me. I don't know if I would have believed it if he hadn't called me. I know I was thankful someone was willing to bring it into the light.

karmahappens posted 5/30/2013 20:39 PM

Would you rather live a blissful life, knowing it was all a lie...people talking behind your back, everyone knowing the truth about your life but you?

I doubt it.

He deserves to live in truth and decide his would be doing him a favor.

I told the day after dday, he thanked me, was devastated of course, but the OW and my H did that, not me.

He divorced her, found a wonderful woman. Got the house, the kids and one hell of a happy life.

It's the kindest thing I could have done for him.

Lostinthismess posted 5/30/2013 20:39 PM

I wish I'd never been told. It makes it worse that the other bs did it to try to blackmail $. So maybe I'm tainted as far as motivation behind telling.

Jospehine85 posted 5/30/2013 20:39 PM

My WH was over the top abusive to me and our children during his A. If MOW's BH had called and told me about the A, I would have known why I was being treated like dog poop on the bottom of a shoe. I struggled trying to figure out how to "fix" things.

If I had never discovered the A and they ended it, I would have continued to feel like WH's abuse was do to something wrong with me.

As it was, I wrote to MOW's BH and told him. He was incredibly grateful as he had suspected she was in an A, but could not find any proof. She had also treated him horribly for that year and half.

You are assuming the BH's life is moving along swimmingly. That is not necessairily the case.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/30/2013 21:18 PM

I regret that there isn't a BS I can tell.

I didn't find out until 6 years after the affair ended. The affair was about 4 years (maybe 7 years) long. So, I have to process over a decade of memories and my life full of lies. It would be less if I had been told sooner.

I wish I had been told or found out sooner. It sucks because FWH can't remember a lot of stuff that I really need/want to know. I mean, some of the crap happened 15 years ago. We both have terrible memories so I understand when he can't remember stuff. It is disconcerting to realize your spouse had that kind of secret for so many years. Don't let that BH be that spouse.

Yakamishi posted 5/30/2013 21:39 PM

Do I regret out? Hell no!

I faceted her, write her a letter, even knocked on her door. She slammed it in my face. I guess she was in denial. So I wrote letters to OM's mother, sister, in laws, etc explaining what a POS he is. Actually timed out right before Christmas so it was a double whammy. I want this guy to suffer as much as I have. To have to worry about losing EVERYTHING that he held dear. Juvenile? Perhaps. But I hate him. He took everything from me. He had no right.

SAR681 posted 5/30/2013 21:42 PM

OBS found out about 2 months into the 4 month A - I didn't find out until about 2 months after it ended. I wish he would have told me. I am pretty confident that it would have ended much sooner had I known.

webmistress posted 5/30/2013 21:45 PM

I wish there had been a BS to tell, because I certainly would have. I know it's no fun to be the bearer of bad news, but he deserves to know. One of the worst parts of finding out about XH's double life was feeling foolish. We were carrying on two completely different lives, and it felt like I was the butt of a joke I didn't even know was in progress.

All you can do is present the information in a dignified way, and then step out of it.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/30/2013 21:46 PM

You might initially seem like you are the one who is bringing pain, but you are not.

The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.

Think about it, if someone knew about the affair and they didn't tell you, are you upset? If not...imagine if someone had known and had the power to tell you up chose not to. IMO, choosing not to tell is selfish and is also a choice to participate in the lie.

Amberdawn posted 5/30/2013 22:34 PM

I'm in the same boat. I can't decide whether to tell the OW's fiancé. I have 3 kids, live in a small town, have a high profile job and I'm afraid of it affecting my kids. I think every situation is different and the answer may be different depending on each unique situation, I still don't know what I'm going to do. She was the one pursuing my WH, according to her and him. He was guilty too, I'm not minimizing that at all but it does weigh in on deciding whether to tell him or not. it was a EA.

Thera77 posted 5/30/2013 22:45 PM

No regrets. But he didn't believe me, although he'd been reading their texts for several weeks because this A was OW's 3rd that year. OWBH didn't believe she'd had a PA with FWH, even though that's how they (OW and OWBH) met. And after things blew up in my house, OW texted me begging me not to tell her BH while she was pretending to be pregnant without his knowledge. But again I already had and he chose not to believe me.

If OWBH had been honest with himself and contacted me, things would have ended much, much sooner. As far as I'm concerned he was a passive participant in the A, because again as a former AP he knew what was really going down.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 10:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

La Traviata posted 5/30/2013 23:06 PM

I have to reply to this because I have got to be the only person on SI who didn't tell the other spouse and hasn't lost a wink of sleep over it.

OW was a fling while my H was at school and her H was getting shot at in Iraq. Really classy, huh?

I struggled for awhile because I really wanted to see her suffer for what she did. But the conclusion I eventually came to was this: My H screwed up big time and did something horrible to me. That doesn't mean I owe anything to anyone except to be true to myself. Maybe he beat her? Maybe he was a cheater too? Maybe they had an "arrangement"? Their marriage is not my problem. I did not want to make that woman any more a part of my life than she already was. A year and a half later I found out in a moment of facebook-stalking-weakness that they're divorced. Looks like he figured out he didn't pick a winner.

I have been in a situation where I forced the revelation of an A, though. In that case, the wayward was my ex boyfriend, his fiance was a close friend, and the OW (also a close friend) and I were both going to be bridesmaids. My choices were to take the secret to my grave and keep up the charade, disappear from their lives and never say why, or do what I did and tell my ex he had 48 hours to come clean before I called his fiance.

Part of the reason I did what I did was out of a desire to punish my ex (even though we were friends, obviously) for things that happened during our relationship and of course for cheating. That part I do regret. Eventually his BW (they went on with the wedding, minus two bridesmaids of course) and the OW both forgave me, but we'll never be as close as we were before.

Everyone is different. I have empathy for the other BS, but I don't owe him anything. Telling him would have broken the NC that was initiated long before I even found out about the A, and since WH and OW are both military, it could have had some extremely unlikely but very nasty career consequences down the road.

Pudding posted 5/31/2013 01:22 AM

I don't regret it, but it didn't go well. I hate him almost as much as I hate OW, as he knew 3 years before I did and didn't tell me. He also continued to drive them to their nights out together when it as supposedly all over!!!

I wanted him to tell me how he managed to cope and handle it all and it was hopeless. He really doesn't seem to care and can't understand why I am so worked up about it. Sometimes I doubt whether he really is OWH and not some stand in. I ca!'t understand his position.

In summary,yes do tell. They have a right to know, but don't necessarily expect it to help you heal, as they might be in a different place from you.

Dancetilldawn posted 5/31/2013 03:17 AM

I did not have anyone to tell. They were all single.
As my story goes, my good friend who worked for my husband saw a note in my husbands desk. The note was from OW " before we go any further, I just want you to know that I have herpes and it's never been a problem in the past." This Xfriend had this info for 4 months and did not tell me until I asked her if she thought my husband was cheating on me. During the 4 months the Xfriend knew I was moving to another country. She knew how I was struggling to keep everything together for the move. I was very thankful she told me. It was very difficult for her! She loved my husband as a brother, and she thought her job was on the line. Anyhow, we remained friends but she was emotionally too involved in my problems. I distanced her politely. After DDay #2 (the EA was PA) I believe she had an obligation to tell me ASAP because of the herpes. What kind of person knows of physical abuse and just walks away?
In our last conversation, I did tell her that there was a rumor going around that her young son was probably my husbands. I said it sincerely. She flipped out and started screaming at me. I kept my composer the whole Skype call. All 45min of it. The funny thing is, she wants me to apologize!

I never regret doing things that are within the moral code.

Zayda1 posted 5/31/2013 04:58 AM

The OBS knew a few weeks before he actually threatened to tell me. When I spoke to him he expressed regret for not telling me as soon as he found it.

Bobbi_sue posted 5/31/2013 05:25 AM

No, I don't regret it. My only regret is not telling him sooner than I did, and making absolutely sure he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt.

TrustGone posted 5/31/2013 09:02 AM

Unfortuntely I didn't have anyone to tell except WH#2's friends and family. Now I wished I had not even told some of them. OW was single as far as I know. WH#2 and OW got "engaged" a year before DDay#1. WH#2 said she stayed at our house while I was working out of state to save on her bills during the week. Also they had no privacy at her apartment because her two grown kids lived with her. So glad that my hard earned money was going to put my roof over her head.

I searched for someone to tell and I know OW's kids names and where they work, but I never told them. What was the use?? She would probably just say I was nuts. I so wished she had a BS to tell. It would have ended a lot sooner i think if that had been the case and she couldn't have lived in my home, violating everything in my home.

BS's have a right to know what is really going on in their lives. Will they be hurt? Of course they will, but I would rather be a knowing fool than an unknowing one like I was for 3yrs.

whatdoto posted 5/31/2013 09:15 AM

No regrets here. I wish I had done it right after Dday, but instead, I waited 5 months. Drove to his house and sat at the end of the driveway (I didn't want to trespass) and waited for him. He drove out about 5 mins later and I approached him in his truck. Told him what had been going on and apologized. He was stunned to say the least. He left, I followed him to WH and OW work place. He must have called her on the way because she was walking out of the building to his truck. I just sat in my truck shaking. I then left, called WH and told him what I had done, and went to work. WH was scared shitless because he left in his work truck for an hr or so. The BS called me later, drunk, saying that WH and I were going to be a part of his divorce. Never heard from him again.

WH got home and wouldn't speak to me for hours. Later on, I just glared at him and he said he understood why I did that.

What pisses me off is so many coworkers of theirs knew this was going on....for 2-1/2 years!

WH has been NC since then, well as far as I know.

Good luck and stand your ground. Let the other BS know the truth. He deserves it.

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