I know most on SI say tell. I'm with all of you; i agree with all of the reasons.
And I'm also on the side of why bring such devastation to this man. He didn't do anything to me; he only has the misfortune of marrying a person who cheated. He seems like a good man. I know i didn't do the deed, but I do have the power to protect him from the awful pain everyone here is going through. It feels horrible to be the person who tips his life in possibly a horribly painful direction; i just can't seem to do it and yet i feel i should and I want her not to get away with it. But is what i'm doing really kind? To tell? Did I wish I had known. Yes, I remember feeling that at first. Now, in my unusual situation, i wish I'd never known. I think **.
So anyone tell other BS and have a painful experience, regret it in some way? Anyone do it face to face? Anyone struggle with my issues?
My attorney said essentially Don't do anything with fire when consequences are unknown. He/she are upstanding citizens from all basic indicators, so unless he snaps violence should not be an issue. So i'm not that concerned. I AM concerned about being the person to BRING the pain, the messenger. Fine line.
Most of all though, I just want to be done with her and everything related to her. I don't want to think about her, talk about her, hear her name. I've gotten all the answers I've wanted and WH is in NC. I just want to close the OW chapter.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
I doubt it.
He deserves to live in truth and decide his future...you would be doing him a favor.
I told the day after dday, he thanked me, was devastated of course, but the OW and my H did that, not me.
He divorced her, found a wonderful woman. Got the house, the kids and one hell of a happy life.
It's the kindest thing I could have done for him.
If I had never discovered the A and they ended it, I would have continued to feel like WH's abuse was do to something wrong with me.
As it was, I wrote to MOW's BH and told him. He was incredibly grateful as he had suspected she was in an A, but could not find any proof. She had also treated him horribly for that year and half.
You are assuming the BH's life is moving along swimmingly. That is not necessairily the case.
I didn't find out until 6 years after the affair ended. The affair was about 4 years (maybe 7 years) long. So, I have to process over a decade of memories and my life full of lies. It would be less if I had been told sooner.
I wish I had been told or found out sooner. It sucks because FWH can't remember a lot of stuff that I really need/want to know. I mean, some of the crap happened 15 years ago. We both have terrible memories so I understand when he can't remember stuff. It is disconcerting to realize your spouse had that kind of secret for so many years. Don't let that BH be that spouse.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
I faceted her, write her a letter, even knocked on her door. She slammed it in my face. I guess she was in denial. So I wrote letters to OM's mother, sister, in laws, etc explaining what a POS he is. Actually timed out right before Christmas so it was a double whammy. I want this guy to suffer as much as I have. To have to worry about losing EVERYTHING that he held dear. Juvenile? Perhaps. But I hate him. He took everything from me. He had no right.
All you can do is present the information in a dignified way, and then step out of it.
The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.
Think about it, if someone knew about the affair and they didn't tell you, are you upset? If not...imagine if someone had known and had the power to tell you up chose not to. IMO, choosing not to tell is selfish and is also a choice to participate in the lie.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
If OWBH had been honest with himself and contacted me, things would have ended much, much sooner. As far as I'm concerned he was a passive participant in the A, because again as a former AP he knew what was really going down.
[This message edited by Thera77 at 10:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]
OW was a fling while my H was at school and her H was getting shot at in Iraq. Really classy, huh?
I struggled for awhile because I really wanted to see her suffer for what she did. But the conclusion I eventually came to was this: My H screwed up big time and did something horrible to me. That doesn't mean I owe anything to anyone except to be true to myself. Maybe he beat her? Maybe he was a cheater too? Maybe they had an "arrangement"? Their marriage is not my problem. I did not want to make that woman any more a part of my life than she already was. A year and a half later I found out in a moment of facebook-stalking-weakness that they're divorced. Looks like he figured out he didn't pick a winner.
I have been in a situation where I forced the revelation of an A, though. In that case, the wayward was my ex boyfriend, his fiance was a close friend, and the OW (also a close friend) and I were both going to be bridesmaids. My choices were to take the secret to my grave and keep up the charade, disappear from their lives and never say why, or do what I did and tell my ex he had 48 hours to come clean before I called his fiance.
Part of the reason I did what I did was out of a desire to punish my ex (even though we were friends, obviously) for things that happened during our relationship and of course for cheating. That part I do regret. Eventually his BW (they went on with the wedding, minus two bridesmaids of course) and the OW both forgave me, but we'll never be as close as we were before.
Everyone is different. I have empathy for the other BS, but I don't owe him anything. Telling him would have broken the NC that was initiated long before I even found out about the A, and since WH and OW are both military, it could have had some extremely unlikely but very nasty career consequences down the road.
A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard
I wanted him to tell me how he managed to cope and handle it all and it was hopeless. He really doesn't seem to care and can't understand why I am so worked up about it. Sometimes I doubt whether he really is OWH and not some stand in. I ca!'t understand his position.
In summary,yes do tell. They have a right to know, but don't necessarily expect it to help you heal, as they might be in a different place from you.
I never regret doing things that are within the moral code.
I searched for someone to tell and I know OW's kids names and where they work, but I never told them. What was the use?? She would probably just say I was nuts. I so wished she had a BS to tell. It would have ended a lot sooner i think if that had been the case and she couldn't have lived in my home, violating everything in my home.
BS's have a right to know what is really going on in their lives. Will they be hurt? Of course they will, but I would rather be a knowing fool than an unknowing one like I was for 3yrs.
WH got home and wouldn't speak to me for hours. Later on, I just glared at him and he said he understood why I did that.
What pisses me off is so many coworkers of theirs knew this was going on....for 2-1/2 years!
WH has been NC since then, well as far as I know.
Good luck and stand your ground. Let the other BS know the truth. He deserves it.