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Beautifulmom posted 5/30/2013 20:37 PM

How long did it take YOU to fully commit to R? Is it a sure thing in your mind or do you have days where you want torun? What does fully committing mean to you? How long to forgive? Ws and BS answers welcome.

Jospehine85 posted 5/30/2013 20:42 PM

12.5 mos out and Tuesday night I had an anxiety attack so severe I was ready to run.

Today, I am calm.

Am I 100% in to R? No. I don't think I ever will be. WH is improved, but by no means a "normal" individual. I would be a fool not to watch for overstepped boundaries or red flags. Because I will always have to watch, I will never be 100% in.

Right now I would put myself at about 55%

tryinghard2013 posted 5/30/2013 20:52 PM

It took a good two and a half years of a wild roller coaster of emotions he did everything right everything from d day but it took me over two years to get to the point where I truly do forgive him and I'm happy I gave him a second chance.

NoraLee posted 5/30/2013 22:39 PM

I'm not sure when I committed to R...maybe 2 months after NC. Fully committed meant i was willing to be vulnerable - risk being hurt again, swallowing my pride. It meant having an active role in healing our marriage, making changes on my own part to rebuild after the devastation. It meant not keeping score or using the A as an excuse to not put in the effort to repair...

I forgave him Sunday night (9 months after Dday 2) I suspected I forgave him earlier but wasn't "decisive" about it...he still doesn't think I've truly forgiven. He thinks I'm close. I suspect he thinks he's forgiven once there's no more moments of anger or periods of tears. But he's wrong - because you CAN forgive even though it still hurts...I guess we have different definitions of forgiveness.

[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Hearthache again posted 5/30/2013 22:46 PM

About 3 years post dday #2. I just did this a month ago. So its rather new for me. I was pretty committed before but now 100%.

webmistress posted 5/30/2013 22:53 PM

I'm 2 1/2 years out, fully committed to R....but haven't forgiven. Nor has XH asked for it. I have problem letting go of things, so who knows when forgiveness will come.

lordhasaplan? posted 5/31/2013 11:49 AM

My counselor had me look at Comitting to R a bit different and it really helped me. You committ for today. Each day see where you are and commit 100%. If your committed today, your all in. There are no guarantees what the future holds. So tomorrow is out there don't base a commitment for R on tomorrow or next year make it for today. There was a safety place for me in that. Today I am committed. My W is showing me she is in, involved, committed herself. So today I'm in 1000%. Tomorrow I will reevaluate based upon what I see in next 24 hours. If she shakes my confidence we talk about, today, now! So I can make healthy decisions.
Not sure if it works for everyone but it removed a big burden for me, the committing forever to an unhealthy person.
LHAP?

sisoon posted 5/31/2013 12:02 PM

I waited 90 days fom D-Day. It might have been better if I had waited longer, but my W was consistently showing she was all in, and I wanted R, so I did it.

The difference between committed and not, for me, was subtle but important.

Before committing, I treated every issue as make or break for our M. The first Q I asked whenever I had doubts was, 'Do I leave now or work to resolve the issue?'

Committing to R meant that I was going to work on any and every issue that arose/arises. In other words, I decided to put aside the big gun (go or stay). Of course, if we can't resolve a big issue, we'll split - but my basic assumption is that we'll resolve any issue that comes up, and 'go or stay' is the last question I'll have to ask, not the first.

In the run-up to our 1st antiversary I thought sometimes that R was too difficult, but our MC pointed out that people who D have a tough time, too. Other than that, I don't remember wanting to run. I don't remember ever thinking R was easy, either.

R is very difficult work any way you look at it.

'Forgiveness' isn't a big deal for either of us.

My conceptual framework is different from lhap?'s, but my behavior sounds similar - we bring issues out into the open and work on them directly.

(For us, it sometimes takes a while for an issue to get well-enough defined to discuss, but even then we give each other a heads up. We can have a conversation like:

'Something's bothering me, but I don't know what yet.'
'OK - I'm ready to talk when you are.')

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

sodamnlost posted 5/31/2013 14:51 PM

Before committing, I treated every issue as make or break for our M. The first Q I asked whenever I had doubts was, 'Do I leave now or work to resolve the issue?'

Committing to R meant that I was going to work on any and every issue that arose/arises. In other words, I decided to put aside the big gun (go or stay). Of course, if we can't resolve a big issue, we'll split - but my basic assumption is that we'll resolve any issue that comes up, and 'go or stay' is the last question I'll have to ask, not the first.

This pretty much sums me up. I officially committed 4-17-13, Dday was 09-20-13. Honestly most days, I have to fight the urge to run. I have to remind myself he is working and I am committed to see if he can change ENOUGH. If that makes any sense.

Am I in 100%? Nope. I just can't. I don't have enough reason to yet. My committment was more so to stay and TRY and be patient to see where R takes us without thinking everyday about leaving, on purpose. To fight through the fears, to talk through the challenges instead of adding them into the "reasons I should leave file" I was building up when in limbo.

Kiwigirl posted 5/31/2013 15:07 PM

I think I am with LHAP, just taking it one day at a time. I have let go of worrying about tomorrow. I am not sure i will ever be able to day I am 100% in again but I can say I was in 100% today and that has got to mean something?

TXBW68 posted 5/31/2013 15:12 PM

I was committed from the very beginning - even after we separated. But it was one-sided. He wouldn't even consider it. He was "in lurve". By the 6 month mark, I had resigned myself to getting a divorce and was well on my way to healing as a single parent. I told him I was ready to D and his "fog" started lifting.

We started dating again in month 7 - November. We made it through Christmas and New Year's together but still just dating. By the end of January (month 9) we were both committed to trying to R. He moved home in February (month 10).

Now at almost 14 months post-DDay 1, and 2 months post-DDay 2, I can say that we are both 100% committed to our marriage and each other. We aren't trying anymore. We are doing.

Fully committed to me means putting our marriage ahead of everything and everyone, including the kids. We do that every day now - just like we did at the beginning of our relationship.

I have not told him that I forgive him yet. And he doesn't expect it yet. It doesn't mean we aren't healing and working together. It just means that I can't say those words just yet. And he is making every effort to earn them.

One day, I hope to say those words to him though.

heartache101 posted 5/31/2013 15:20 PM

I wanted a family so I commited myself to my family to keep my family together.

As long as my spouse is the man I need I will stay. One wrong turn on him at anytime I am gone. I feel I have done more then enough t

heartache101 posted 5/31/2013 15:20 PM

I wanted a family so I commited myself to my family to keep my family together.

As long as my spouse is the man I need I will stay. One wrong turn on him at anytime I am gone. I feel I have done more then enough t

crazyblindsided posted 5/31/2013 16:15 PM

My counselor had me look at Comitting to R a bit different and it really helped me. You committ for today. Each day see where you are and commit 100%. If your committed today, your all in. There are no guarantees what the future holds. So tomorrow is out there don't base a commitment for R on tomorrow or next year make it for today. There was a safety place for me in that. Today I am committed. My W is showing me she is in, involved, committed herself. So today I'm in 1000%. Tomorrow I will reevaluate based upon what I see in next 24 hours. If she shakes my confidence we talk about, today, now! So I can make healthy decisions.
Not sure if it works for everyone but it removed a big burden for me, the committing forever to an unhealthy person.
LHAP?

I love this! I also have to take it day by day. I am 15 months out from DDay and 7 months since last DDay. My WH hasn't been the most remorseful so I have had moments of R. I can't fully commit to it just yet.

I love this forum though. I love to read all the positive stories. It does give me hope.

This rollercoaster is nuts though I go from wanting to be with WH and i love him to despising him and what he did to us and thinking I'm crazy for wanting to R.

BIZZYBEEZ posted 5/31/2013 16:54 PM

7 months in & it's day to day for me. I want it to work out but I have no illusions & have made no promises other than to try.

brokensunflower posted 5/31/2013 17:00 PM

we went into R right a way because of the sake of our kids ... we are 8/9 months into R Just remember to take it day to day

kansas1968 posted 5/31/2013 17:04 PM

Well, I was committed to R from the beginning, but getting there is another matter. Still working on it at 2.5 years out. There are still some days I want to run. Not so often though.

Althea posted 6/2/2013 19:37 PM

I committed to R 5 months after Dday. At that point I believed I had the full truth, WH was in IC, I was in IC, and I was ready to retry MC. For me, it meant that I was going to give my marriage a try. I was getting off the fence. I'm still taking it day by day and reserve my right to file for divorce if he breaks NC or has another A. I'm just not sitting waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore. For me, committing to R meant taking a leap of faith - a calculated risk based on his actions.

I forgave him 9 months after Dday. I needed it in order to heal and reconcile the man who existed prior to and during the A with the man my WH has become.

I still have bad days. There are many days I really wish this wasn't my life. The summer is filled with potential triggers from our anniversary to our antiversary; but I don't want to run.

Beautifulmom posted 6/2/2013 20:38 PM

Love all your answers! Lhap, I think your advice is genious. Like running a marathon one step at a time. It surely takes r from seeming impossible and overwhelming to doable.
sisson, I have read a lot of your posts and you are very helpful. I realize I have been bringing out the " big gun" with every bump. I guess I need to decide ultimately what my goal is - trying to stay or trying to find a reason to go.

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