SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I'm feeling angry a lot lately. XWH is making most of the right efforts, but lately I feel like the effort is 1) not enough, 2) not quick enough, and 3) on his terms, not mine. Our MC says I need to celebrate the small victories, that this process takes baby steps, and that we/I shouldn't keep score. While I agree, it's hard for me not to keep score when even his greatest effort still seems completely self motivated.

For example, we're supposed to plan date nights. This has mostly translated into me planning date nights. So recently, a friend of his bought him a ticket to the Dead Milkmen show next week. His big idea for date night is hey, I'll spring for you to go too. Gee, thanks. You, me, and two people I don't know seeing a band whose music I don't know outside of two songs. Not exactly my dream date.

Of course I can't tell him this. And I'm sure MC will say it's his attempt to share something of himself with me, blah blah blah. But here's the deal--I feel like the last almost 3 years have been about him. Him and the A, him and his drinking (which was during our marriage as well), him him HIM. I'm ready for a little attention to US. I'm tired of settling for half assed because its makes him feel good. When do I get to feel good? I tell him very honestly what I need emotionally, financially, etc from him, and yet he still puts more effort into "performing" than finding real work. He takes odd jobs that keep him in pocket money, but contributes nothing to the household bottom line. He justifies it by saying " we'll at least I'm not taking away from the family by needing money from you." Well good! So he gets to work just enough to buy beer and cigarettes, while I pay all household expenses. Must be nice.

The sad part is, it's not malicious. I think he's NPD in the extreme, and truly has no idea how lame his so called effort really is. Sometimes I think, maybe my expectations are too high? But I hear other married me talk about their wives and families, and it seems like they all understand their role in taking care of their families. They may grumble about money or whatever, but I don't see any other men expecting their wives to be okay with what XH expects praise for doing.

I'm venting because I'm frustrated. I sincerely believe he wants to do the right thing, but his thought processes are just so messed up. I try REALLY hard to be supportive and celebrate the small wins, but after an A, OC, alcoholism, and all points in between, when is it my turn?? Just seems like the BS's end up doing most of the heavy lifting

YES!!! I get emotionally exhausted often. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I wasn't trying to R. I think I've aged about 10 years in 4 weeks. I know it's a process but WOW, this process sucks. It's totally unfair that we have to go thru this because of a decision they made.
My WH keeps asking what he can do to make things better. I don't know what that answer is. It's an emotional roller coaster.
(( HUGS ))

If it was me, I would call him out on it. Stop doing the heavy lifting. let him Selfishness is a big character flaw of my WH and allowing it to continue with a pat in the back doesn't really help the marriage. Doesn't have to be cruel, like this is the lamest date ever, but you should be able to discuss it with him.

Yes emotional fatigue is common. I think you do need to focus on you. The very least it will make your self worth a lot higher. Yes marriage is a 2 person thing, but when one of those people are so emotionally depleted then the marriage will fail sooner or later.

But a big fat yes on being emotionally exhausted. I'm not sure I have the stamina for this most days

BS do most of the heavy lifting, until they decide they don't want to do it any more.

Call him out on it.

I'm emotionally exhausted after a year of false R and the idea of going back and doing it again is... daunting. But I'm NOT going to "do it again" I'm going to do it better this time and that means no more stuffing down feelings of "well, I guess he's trying... sorta?" because that ended up being toxic for us. He got away with doing less and less "work" and I let the bar slip lower and lower and lower...

But I'm obviously projecting, lol. Yes, R is exhausting. Absolutely.

Lol, LT, I think you're right! We have MC next week, and I think we need to define effort that's noteworthy, vs effort that's smoke and mirrors. I do call him out on things, but I also find myself picking my battles.

The challenge is that there's SO MUCH he needs me to accept--as if the A and OC aren't enough. His "artistic" endeavors are very important to him, but huge triggers for me. The performance community he's in is almost all women; scantily clad women (burlesque dancers). It is a misery for me when he does these shows. That entire part of his life is a new manifestation taken on during our separation, which he loves and makes me awash with worry. He keeps in full contact, sends photos, and I pick him up, but ugh. I just hate it. It represents the last two miserable years, and I want nothing to do with it. He'd like me to be a part of it. A problem.

So again, WHEN does HE ave to accept some of my terms?? You can't swing a grumpy cat around here without hitting something *I* have to accept. When's it his turn?

It's his turn when you quit doing it all for him. You are enabling him to be the way he is now and he will continue to be that way until you say stop or until you have had enough. He is throwing crumbs your way and you are accepting them. R is exhausing with a spouse that is fully committed, it is impossible with one that isn't. (((HUGS)))

Gently, my thinking also is that you're exhausted because you're letting yourself be stepped on.

Have you considered setting up some behavioral requirements for R? IMO, they need to include: 1) set up dates; 2) no drinking; 3) IC to change his whole life.

Maybe I'd add: 4) finding a job that allows him to contribute to family expenses; 5) joining a different performing community.

He doesn't need any empathy to do these things, and they're observable, so you know when he's meeting requirements and when he's not. And if your MC says you're being too hard on the poor boy, leave - maybe get a new MC, but maybe tell him to find a new MC while you go find a lawyer.... (This MC sounds worse than useless - it sounds like s/he's actually enabling your H's childlike behavior.

Also, how do you know he's not cheating?

This stops when you make it stop. Yes, it risks your M, but you don't sound very happy in your M anyway.

Web,

I, also, was the one that did most of the 'heavy lifting' when it came to my M and the R after the A. It wasn't until I realized how freaking exhausted I was and how it was affecting my DD that I finally sat my WH down and told him point blank that I was done with it. I told him that if he wanted our M to work as much as he said he did then he needed to show me. I told him that I would no longer be the one making appointments for MC, no longer setting up date nights and babysitters, etc... The important thing was that I followed through. I stopped doing all of it.

Actions not words.

I'm not as exhausted and our M is better for it. I agree with everyone else that you need to sit his a@@ down and tell him that you will no longer be the one doing all of the lifting. Then you need to step back and see if he gets it or not.

(((())))
Mack

I SO relate to this!! Why do we as the BS have to do the work to right the ship? Aargh it IS exhausting!! I gave my WH VERY explicit instructions on what I needed him to do if we were going to R. He is responsible for planning one date night per month, our kids are nearly grown, so not hard to do. One weekend away every 3-4 months and one vacation per year that we plan together. Sometimes, ya just have to put your foot down, ya know? All the best Jamie

BS do most of the heavy lifting, until they decide they don't want to do it any more.

Absolutely. It wasn't until I gave up on the M that WH started stepping up. We still have LOTS of steps backwards, but also forward.

I was an emotional basketcase in the beginning and I naively believed what my WH said after DDay1,2,3,4. Now I just don't trust him at all and he knows this.

My WH has a lot of NPD tendencies and is personality disordered. When he is possessing those traits or being selfish I do call him out on it.

Passive aggressiveness isn't flying anymore and neither is the conflict avoidance. WH doesn't get to avoid things anymore or I'll call him out on that too.

I am struggling with this -

I'm feeling angry a lot lately. XWH is making most of the right efforts, but lately I feel like the effort is 1) not enough, 2) not quick enough, and 3) on his terms, not mine.

My WH is trying. BUT - there is always that but it seems :-( I am working wicked hard on trying to let go and make him steer the R ship. I can't do it anymore. I did it the first 6 months while he was still lying to me. It's his turn to step up to the plate or bow out. It's really hard to get to the point of being willing to lose my M if he doesn't do what I need. Not an easy process but slowly I am finding me along the way.